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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend might be being unreasonable because i have a new boyfriend?

21 replies

domistheone · 03/05/2014 14:08

Me and a good friend used to go out at least once a month (usually more) and have drinks. We were both single so used to not go out "on the pull" but we would chat to guys, have a laugh etc.

A different friend set me up with a good friend of her and after the first date I knew it was going to be special. The friend asked me if I'd like to go out the weekend after and I declined.

I am now officially in a relationship, since then I have heard absolutely nothing from my friend - she seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. A mutual friend had everyone over for dinner last week and she didn't even come to that.

I feel like she is acting a little childish, or I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:

FunnyFoot · 03/05/2014 14:13

Have you contacted her to see if she is ok or just decided that she is being childish?

gamerchick · 03/05/2014 14:16

Have you got in touch to see if she's alright? What makes you think it's because of you?

squoosh · 03/05/2014 14:19

You seem to making assumptions without actually having spoken to her. Phone her.

FunnyFoot · 03/05/2014 14:19

Also do you really think your friends world revolves around you?

As you say you only went out once per month not exactly everyday or every week for that matter.
Maybe your friend has backed off a bit to give you space for your new relationship doesn't mean she is being childish.

Actually you come across as the childish one so for that YABU.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 03/05/2014 14:20

Why does it have to be about you? Have you spoken to her?

squoosh · 03/05/2014 14:20

You say you declined to go out with your friend after having met this guy? Do you mean you think you will no longer want to go on these nights out?

Original poster

domistheone · 03/05/2014 14:22

Well sorry if this is a dripfeed, we used to go out most weekends but I moved away - not ridiculously far. Used to be 10 minutes from each other and now about 30/40 minutes away - so we just naturally saw each other less.

OP posts:

FunnyFoot · 03/05/2014 14:23

And your point is?

You say the issue is you having a new BF not distance.

gamerchick · 03/05/2014 14:24

You still haven't said why you think it's about you though? Have you actually tried to get in touch with her?

Raskova · 03/05/2014 14:32

If she didn't go to a meal with others when you weren't there, then it's probably nothing to do with you.

Get in touch saying you're worried you heard she wasn't there n you've not heard anything.

OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 03/05/2014 14:39

Hmmm. Perhaps she has things going on in her life? If this is uncharacteristic for her I would gently question it to see if she is ok. When I was very badly depressed I pushed everyone away for no good reason. A good friend would care that their friend isn't being themselves and try to help them.

Not saying your friend is depressed, just saying maybe she is worried about something but feels she doesn't want to annoy you with it to give your new relationship time to grow.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/05/2014 14:52

She doesn't appear to have behaved unreasonably at all. I think it's all in your mind but the only way to find out is to speak to her. Not everything that happens in the world is to do with you. Maybe she has more interesting and available friends to socialise with at the moment.

AmberLeaf · 03/05/2014 15:04

From the first two paragraphs of your OP, it sounds like you are saying that now that you are in a relationship you will no longer have these nights out.

Is that correct?

I don't think your friend is being unreasonable because you have a boyfriend, she may however feel a bit peeved if your attitude is that you being in a relationship means you will no longer have your nights out together.

Trillions · 03/05/2014 15:09

If you can't go on a non-pulling girls' night out ONCE A MONTH now that you have a boyfriend then your friend is right to be fed up. I would be.

LineRunner · 03/05/2014 15:10

Talk to her.

And continue to go out with her once a month as good friends for a laugh and for a change of scene from the boyfriend.

squoosh · 03/05/2014 15:13

'If you can't go on a non-pulling girls' night out ONCE A MONTH now that you have a boyfriend then your friend is right to be fed up. I would be.'

I agree.

You're not acting like one of those weirdos who gets all solemn about their relationship one week after meeting someone to the point of casting off your pre-existing social life?

IwinIwin · 03/05/2014 16:21

How do you know she's not going through shit? From the sounds of things you've been happy to go out with her while it's convenient for you but now you have a boyfriend you haven't made the effort to see or speak to her. Given that she last asked to catch up with you, really you should have spoken to her at least or tried to rearrange.

It's hard to know if she's going through something hough that sounds most likely unless the night at your other friend's was 'couples only' and she felt uncomfortable. Why would she not go to mutual friends just because you declined her invite? If she was annoyed with you she'd just snub you or blow you off, not the rest of her friendship group.

You should text her and see how she is. If she ignores you or is rude then you know she does have an issue-thought that's probably not related to not seeing your mutual friend. If she does have an issue, ask her why. A good friend of mine is very typical in that once she gets a partner we don't see her for dust, she barely returns calls and texts and never makes them. She was shocked to find that barely any people showed up for her birthday meal, after being used so much and her only wanting to communicate when or if it suited her rather then act as a friend.

On the other hand, my colleague had to overcompensate with her friend because said friend was jealous and arsy that she had a partner. After a while of guilting and manipulation my colleague phased out her friend.

chipsandpeas · 03/05/2014 16:29

if you havent contacted her since you blown her off a night out then you dont know whats going on in her life

i had a friend once that would go no contact with everyone the minute she had a new boyfriend then when they split she would be wanting to go out etc finally we all got sick of it

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 03/05/2014 18:10

OP, why did you decline what sounded like a normal invitation from her? Does having had a date with someone 'special' mean that you can't see this friend now? If I was her, I'd feel quite used, like you only wanted to spend time with me as your fellow single friend to chat to men. You can go out with single people and not be looking for anything else - I'm sure she wants to spend time with you, rather than seeing you as facilitating a way to meet men (which she may feel you were doing).

gordyslovesheep · 03/05/2014 18:25

you met a man and dumped your friend ...yabu

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/05/2014 20:48

Have you contacted her since? If you declined going out because you have a new bloke then yabu.

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