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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not send my boys to this party?

20 replies

emms1981 · 02/05/2014 12:34

Sorry if this gets bit muddily but hard to explain .....

Ok most weekends I stay at my dads its an hour away from home, hes not been in good health, and he likes to see the kids and I help out with housework etc, my husband normally works weekends so they don't miss out there, with it being a long weekend my dad is expecting me until Monday and this has all been arranged,

Last week MIL asked DH if she could have the kids I said yes that's fine and explained to dad kids wouldn't be with me and my husband would have to work out with her when he would be picking them up.

A few months ago we were invited to a party, its not close family its my husbands cousins wife's family , her mum has had a heart transplant and its a "celebration" I am of course very pleased for her but at the moment my dad is waiting to find out if he's going to be considered for heart valve replacement so its a bit close to home and also as my husband works most weekends it was unlikely we could go anyway,

My MIL didn't realise that the party was this weekend and her daughter and her bf will be staying in her spare room so she wont be able to have the kids stay over but instead she wants my husband to take them to her house (she cant drive as she has broken her foot) and pick them up when he finishes work and that's not until 10pm, I don't want my kids out that time of night and also I will be at my dads and my husband has work again Monday morning so he can't take them home either,

DH has told his mum this and her reply was "well maybe you should have booked the day off" my husband has only been there a couple of months and he's still in the probation period so I don't think asking for a day off over a bank holiday weekend would have gone down well to go to an extended family party. I don't think she likes the fact that my dad sees more of the kids than she does, but she knows about my dads health problems and whenever she wants them over to stay I always try and work it out but this time I don't see how we can. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:

MrsCakesPremonition · 02/05/2014 12:37

How old are your children?

redskyatnight · 02/05/2014 12:38

.. and how far apart are you house, your MIL's house and your dad's house?

JimmyCorkhill · 02/05/2014 12:40

If it's not convenient for you she should accept that and back off. It doesn't matter what she thinks of your reasons, they are YOUR reasons. That should be good enough.

redskyatnight · 02/05/2014 12:46

I actually agree with MIL that DH should have booked the day off work for the party - why didn't he ask for it when he got his job - places normally honour holidays/events that are already booked? The party sounds like a big deal.

That said, I don't see why DH can't facilitate some driving round of children (assuming distances are not too great). Or actually why the DC can't just sleep in MIL's lounge?

Bowlersarm · 02/05/2014 12:48

Is one late night really a problem for the DC in the greater scheme of things?

CoffeeTea103 · 02/05/2014 12:55

I think this is turning out to be an issue which it shouldn't be. Unless the children are babies, one night would not really do any harm. You've committed to this event, which seems like a big family deal so to not cause upset shouldn't you just let them go and make no big fuss.

MorningTimes · 02/05/2014 13:01

What do you think your children would like to do? My DC all love parties, especially if they involve staying up later than usual. They would hate to miss out on any kind of family event.

KatieKaye · 02/05/2014 13:03

So what is the problem exactly?
You can either let the DC go to the party, stay up a bit later and DH drives the home, or take them to your dads.
If MIL is miffed, remind her she is the who wanted them but forgot abt the visitors.

CombineBananaFister · 02/05/2014 13:03

YANBU - it's sounds like it will require a lot of messing about for you and your family, sometimes things are just can't be done-if they were staying over it would be ok but this is a lot of running around by the sounds of it.

It's a great reson to celebrate but think it's wrong of your MIL to think your Dh should take a day off, holiday time is precious and (am aware this sounds selfish) I think it's ok to reserve it for when you need it most.

StackALee · 02/05/2014 13:06

your DH has already said no, job done. Don't feel guilty - it's just not possible.

Pheonixisrising · 02/05/2014 13:06

so she asked to have your children , then realised she had double booked and wants you to do all the running around ?

er no sorry , I'd carry on like a normal weekend and reschedule with your MIL

WooWooOwl · 02/05/2014 13:07

No, you're not wrong.

If she wanted them to go then she shouldn't have double booked her spare room. She has no right dictating what your husbands houdo be doing with work.

I can understand grandparents feeling upset at not seeing grandchildren as much as they would like to, especially if the other GPs get to see them a lot more, and I guess she probably wanted to show them off at this party. But again, she shouldn't have double booked the room if that's what she wanted.

annebullin · 02/05/2014 13:11

MIL has messed up her own arrangements by double booking the room. Unless dh had a crystal ball he couldn't have foreseen that he needed to book a day off work.

teenagetantrums · 02/05/2014 13:11

cant the kids just sleep on the floor in one of the bedrooms? my kids used to do this all the time when the house was full, they loved it.

diddl · 02/05/2014 13:12

So neither you nor your husband are going g to the party?

Surely you simply take the kids with you & mil sorts her own way home after the party?

Original poster

emms1981 · 02/05/2014 13:22

My boys are 5 and 7 , the 5 year year old gets very ratty if he is awake to late and kicks off, he gets "over tired" and turns into a monster, we live in one town the party is in another and my dads house is in another (there are half an hours driving in between each), so if my husband were to pick them up and take to my dads house that would mean an hour and a half driving and my dad doesn't stay up very late, as I said its not close family the kids don't know the people really, we hadn't committed to it, we never said we were going, my MIL works mon-fri so forgets that my husband doesn't, had it been a wedding of course my husband would have arranged a day off where he works means bank holidays and children's holiday's are very busy.

OP posts:

annebullin · 02/05/2014 13:23

In that case I wouldn't send them.

higherhill · 02/05/2014 13:33

Your mil has cocked up the arrangements by not thinking it through properly, she shouldn't now be expecting your dh to take day off. I would say to her, very sorry it's not going to work out, I would prefer kids with me and go to your dads as normal. If she wants to have them another time, she can rearrange so they can have a sleep over at hers.

Original poster

emms1981 · 02/05/2014 13:38

thanks everyone, i don't like to fall out with her as she was helpful to me a few weeks ago when my dad was in hospital - she let me sit round hers while my husband was at work and took me up for visiting hours and watched the kids. I just find it so hard to try and please everyone :( we moved to another town 3 years ago because the rent here was over £100 less than what we were paying but the buses are useless, none on a sunday or bank hols and the distance is hard

OP posts:

DeWee · 02/05/2014 14:42

I think you're right in that it's her fault that she's double booked.

But, I wonder what the children think?

I'm coming at this from the angle that when I was about 10yo, by dgran became ill, and wasn't expected to live more than a few months, although as children we weren't told. (actually she did, and lived another 10 years). We travelled every other weekend to see her, and it became a huge strain on us. She lived a good distance from us, much further than your df, but we found as children it became a huge chore to have to pack up and go away that often. It effected how we viewed going to visit her later because it still felt a chore.

If there had been a family party that we'd been expecting to go to and couldn't because we had to visit gran, that would have added to the resentment.

I wonder if perhaps if you could not go this weekend, and manage to work out taking them to the party, it would actually be better in the long run.

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