AIBU not to commit to more?

[mimishimmi]

Re-posted here for a bit more traffic. My 88 year old grandfather moved last weekend into a retirement village. It has an emergency care system but any nursing care would have to be hired externally. My mum lives 2.5 hours away and has serious health issues of her own (chronic and new developments). Dad recently retired to take care of her. My aunty lives on the other side of the continent (Australia) and my uncle lives overseas. We had an accident last year and haven't replaced our car (we are happy with that decision as our area is very urban with good facilities) so what would have been a twenty minute drive to my grandfather's new place is now an hour by train, then twenty minutes walk. I am the only close relative in the city- my brothers generally do not visit (for good reasons I won't go into now) and in any case live the same distance as my parents.

My grandfather is depressed and saying that he will not be able to cope (this is not necessarily age related - Dad said he's been like that all the time he has known him when faced with a change). His 2 bedroom villa is lovely and has been totally refurbished. Before the move, he was adamant that he wanted to move into this particular village as it is close to his doctors, accountants etc. He pooh-poohed suggestions of moving closer to my aunty because he was worried about leaving his doctors. He had a long history of being manipulative and verbally abusive (my primary recollection of him growing up is making my mum and aunt cry by shouting at them at family events- they are not at all tearful normally). However, he did bring that under control for almost 15 years but the last two years has reverted quite a bit, probably with the stress of making these decisions . My aunty has been fantastic with making frequent trips to come over and help him in her holidays (she's a librarian).

On the weekend we all visited the new place and he was moaning incessantly, nothing positive. My aunty is obviously worried about him and I ended up committing to coming one weekday during school hours every three weeks to help him shop, clean etc. We were already visiting on a Sunday just slightly more than once a month so I also plan (but did not verbally commit to) to visit the Sundays in between my weekday trips - so basically every ten days. My parents and aunty are completely understanding of why I don't want to commit to more (even advising me not to in my Dad's case) but I expect that there will be a lot of pressure, and lengthy phonecalls, from my grandfather to commit to doing a lot more. We do have other commitments with classes outside of school hours, speech therapy (DS has PDD-NOS diagnosis) and so on during the week and on Saturdays. Finances for him are not an issue so I would encourage my grandfather to hire outside help if it becomes a daily affair but I think he would rather not pay if he thought he could get me to do it. At the same time, he is getting vulnerable and I do want to set the right example for my kids (and help my mum). Has anyone had any experience of doing this and tips to share?

YANBU and quite frankly he sounds like a pain in the arse. Don't commit to anything, but let him know that when you can go you will. He will have to understand that you lead your own lives.

And caring for someone is hard especially if they have the attitude the grandfather seems to have. Just make sure you don't get worn out. It's not worth it if he can afford it.

It being outside care

It honestly sounds like a proper aged care facility would be better for him.

Sounds like you're doing plenty already. And he's a dick. Don't do any more than you are comfortable with - you have your DC, your family, your work and yourself to take care of as well as him.

I know bragmatic, we did try to convince him of that but as has been generally compos mentis up until the point of making the move, he said it would drive him nuts (when he visited some). To his credit, he has done a pretty good job of looking after himself so far. The village he is at does offer assisted living bedsit units (lower price than his current unit but much higher monthly fees due to providing meals, cleaning and laundry) and a dining hall where he has to pay for meals. He can definitely afford both of these but it's getting him to part with the money that is the issue. Over the past couple of years he's become obsessed with leaving a specific amount of inheritance for each of his children (won't get into that here) but they would all rather he spent the money on services to look after him if he feels he can't manage. And to be honest, I think it's also quite a bit about wanting to control family members - this is not really age-related but something pre-existing in his personality. He very much has the view that daughters (and possibly granddaughters) should be subservient types ... Dad (his son-in-law in case that wasn't clear in the op) said he unsuccessfully tried to get them to commit to visiting weekly when they saw him yesterday. That would be a five hour round trip for them. Anyway, will see how it goes. Hopefully, it might not be an issue, he'll be well-behaved and it will turn out to be lovely.

Setting a good example to your children includes letting them know that it's ok not to be manipulated, and that these things are not automatically a woman's job. They need to see that you will prioritise yourself and them, because if you don't, it will become detrimental to them.

Once every ten days is commitment enough. I think it would be different if he didn't have the money, but as he does, he is making a choice that he has to be responsible for.

If he's not that frail and relatively well off why couldn't he hop into a taxi and come to you every now and then? Why should it all be you?

DON'T commit to more. Once he's there and gets to know the people there he'll be happier. Don't let his miserliness and misery make you feel guilty.

YANBU

If you over-commit you will end up frazzled and exhausted and regretting it but it would be difficult to change because it's what you agreed to. And it would be your fault.

You have a responsibility to yourself and your family too.

He's probably trying to assert some control over a changing situation, and who doesn't? Once he's settled I'm sure it will be better than he anticipates. His need for control shouldn't impact on your family life.

I'm not saying it would actually be your fault. I meant in the fallout from any problems it would be seen as your fault that you were breaking your promise, by your grandfather.

I would say don't commit to any more than you can take on without other parts of your life suffering.

Yes, he's your granddad, but he sounds manipulative. And I'm writing from the POV of my parents wrecking their health looking after my granddad.

Ok, well. I sympathise. You can lead a horse to water etc.... Been there done that, with my dad. Though he sounds a little more manageable than your GF.

I have to say, your grandfather is reaping what he has sown. It was his choice to move this distance from his family, just as it was his choice to be a manipulative shit all those years, reducing your mum and aunt to tears so that they felt no inclination to invite him to a grannie-flat at theirs. He prioritised being near his doctors and accountant.

"My grandfather is depressed and saying that he will not be able to cope (this is not necessarily age related - Dad said he's been like that all the time he has known him when faced with a change)."
I don't think he's depressed, or thinking he won't be able to cope. IMO it's all to manipulate you and the rest of the family to dance attendance on him. Don't do it. It's a lot of travelling, you have other commitments. Frankly, I think you're giving him too much of your time as it is.

You are absolutely right not to commit any more than this OP. I think you are giving ALOT. I looked after my MIL (with dementia) for 3 years before it got too much, I also worked part time at that time and she wasn't that ill. She is worse now and she now has carers 3 times a day. Like your grandad she is a challenging person and can be incredibly unpleasant, mostly to DW (we are both women, gay relationship) all this quite aside from her dementia. DW tells me she has bascially been waited on by someone all of her adult life.

Anyway, one of the many things I learned from looking after her is that you have to learn when enough is enough and that it's ok to say no. Honestly, for the first year I kept thinking "If I just do this for her she will be happy and settled" I soon realised that I would NEVER do enough for her and she would always be at least slightly dissatisfied. It was then that I cut back, arranged for other carers and just did what I could manage with good grace. I had health problems myself, plus Dd and work so felt I was doing enough.

Oddly, she became alot nicer when I stepped back a bit and refused to dance to her tune all the time. Despite her illness she sometimes even says thanks to me now when I take her shopping round or bring her some flowers. If your grandad pushes you just leave. Don't get into a row with him. Just say "Sorry, I can't" and if he starts on you walk out. Good luck OP.

Tell him the journey is too long by public transport and you'll come by taxi if he reimburses you. That should lay down some boundaries and make it easier for you. Don't run yourself ragged.

I probably should add that the rest of the family moved away from him (many years ago), has only only moved to the next suburb up from the one they all grew up in. He would not have been able to handle the cold of my parent's village in the mountains and I'm not sure that there are any retirement villages, only a couple of nursing homes which have a bad reputation (used to volunteer at one as a girl guide -it was horrible). Rang my aunty today and she said this week has been much better. They've met a few of the other residents who explained that they also felt quite shell-shocked and depressed when they first moved in. Asked her about getting an online shop and she said she'll wait and see how it goes first because she thinks it's more important that he tries to get out and about by himself for as long as he can (he can still walk unaided or occasionally with a walking stick).

She said 'one of us might have to organise one later' and I thought "Well, I'm not doing that too! " It's definitely something she could organise from Western Australia.