to be questioning my relationship because of dps lack of commitment to his kids?

[dollsmouse]

Dp has two children aged 6 and 8. I have a 6 year old too and together we have a 2 year old and newborn. We have been together for 5.5 years. Originally we had his dc 4/5 days per week. Then 3 years ago his exW stopped contact because she said 'they needed more stability' I encouraged him to take court action because she was ignoring all communication and even moved without informing him. He wanted to wait to see if she relented. She didn't and he went 1.5 years without seeing them before finally filing court papers. They attended mediation and agreed contact.

It went well for a few months, then she stopped contact again because they 'had other plans/needed a rest' etc. Again, he left it a year before taking court action. This time he got a contact order. ExW has breached it at least five times. Last time was one of the dcs birthdays when we had promised, planned and paid for a party for her. ExW cancelled the day before saying dd was going to see a friend that day now. I said to dp that he should return to court if she breaches the order again. He replied to her saying he'd return to court for enforcement if she didn't reinstate the party day contact. She ignored him.

Since then she's ignored all communication and breached the contact order twice more. It's my dds birthday at the next contact and we can't even tell her if her step siblings will be there. I said to dp that threatening to enforce the order but not doing so gives her no incentive to abide by it as she doesn't think he's got it in him to fight for them. I know it shouldn't have to be a fight, but if she's going to make it difficult then IMO dp needs to step up and fight for contact.

All of our children get on brilliantly and I fully support dp in taking his exW to court for as much contact as possible. The fact he's letting it slip again is leading me to question our relationship and lose respect for him. I don't think it's fair on any of the children to not know where they stand. We can afford to fight for the dc and I'm annoyed that he won't. Aibu?

YANBU. I'd lose respect for someone like him too.

Have you asked him why he hasn't or won't address this? Why excuse does he come up with?

It sounds like you're the one driving the whole contact issue tbh, and I get the impression that if you weren't that bothered he'd never see his kids again.

Does he want to see them?

He acts/speaks like it's hopeless because exW 'has all the power' but it frustrates me because the only way to remove that power is to keep up the momentum with court.

He does love them and they love us but seems unwilling to fight for more than the bare minimum. I don't push him to do things he doesn't want to but do support him and am legally trained so know he could get much more.

YABU
All this must have had an effect on your DP emotionally. Its his ex who is causing all the trouble.
Surely you should get off his back and give him some space? Let HIM decide how he wants to handle it.
I agree he has to make the effort - his children should be able to see their Dad - but I cannot see how you trying to force him to do it your way is helping.
Its good that YOU are so interested and supportive about his kids - but remember - they are HIS kids and HIS emotions.

Seems like he has 2 women trying to dictate his life for him.

Has he said why he can't be bothered/ isn't willing / doesn't want to fight to see his children? Is it a case of if it's not easy it's not worth it? Or fear? Or what?

I don't blame you for being concerned. It seems unnatural for a parent to not love their children so much that they never stop fighting to be in their lives. I'd be in court every day if someone was trying to keep my children from me. I understand that if his ex is pissing about, it is stressful and upsetting and frustrating - but when it is your children I can't imagine just throwing up your hands and saying oh well, I can't be arsed. It's too hard. Even if you never succeed, one day they will be grown up and they'll come looking for you and you'll be able to show them how hard you fought for them.

Or not. In his case.

I think a parent doing everything they can to remove the other parent from the children's lives is a total shit btw (obviously except in cases of abuse, neglect etc) but he can't help her behaviour. He can help his. What conclusion can you draw except that whatever is going on in his head that is making him not bother is stronger/more important than his need to be in his children's lives.

I wouldn't respect him either, in your shoes.

What is he afraid of? That she will never let him see the children if he does anything? It's possibly going to go that way anyway if he is so passive about it.

Davs I'm sure it has had an effect on him, but not as much as it has on his dc when he doesn't see them for months or years at a time and as far as they're concerned it's because he doesn't want to.

I do back off. He'll receive a text message saying contact is cancelled. I will say that's a shame but otherwise don't comment unless he asks what I think/what he should do.

Hecate Wholeheartedly agree with you. He spends so much time thinking about what she'll say or do rather than just concentrate on taking action himself. As it stands he's seen them once in three months; I fail to see how it can get much worse.

Is he worried it's the kids who don't want to see him? That might make him less likely to push it (though obvs if they are 6 and 8 it shouldn't matter either way!)

Is he worried it's the kids who don't want to see him? That might make him less likely to push it (though obvs if they are 6 and 8 it shouldn't matter either way!)

The emotional and financial costs of going through court can be absolutely immense. I suspect you may not comprehend how destructive it can be to have the other parent able to run rings around him.

There is no easy answer and I feel sorry for your DP and the situation he finds himself in. No-one suffers as badly as the children when one parent plays these kind of horrible and totally cruel games.

dollsmouse You said you told him he SHOULD return to court if she breaches the order again. Your original post did come across to me that you are really involving yourself in this - and saying you get annoyed. Perhaps he may feel that too - that there IS some pressure there?

Only he knows what he wants to do or what he feels capable of doing at the moment.
It may seem easier or more straight forward to you - but sometimes you have to let go and leave people to sort things out the way they feel best. You don't HAVE to approve - and if it makes you lose respect for him, then that is sad.
Only YOU know whether he has a tendency to not care about his children enough - Does he display lack of interest in the child you have together?

I know it's not 'right' but I think some men would rather hide away or give up when they are faced with an emotional issue - but showing disapproval or putting added pressure on him could just make things worse.
Why not trust that he will do what he needs to do - at his own pace?

Just throwing ideas out there...

perhaps the children generally do wish to spend time with friends instead of their father.. you need to talk to the children and the exW. right now you are assuming that this woman is playing games when really you dont know that. why waste all that money going to court when potentially its the children calling the shots?

He sounds utterly browbeaten, rather than not being committed.

Can you get him to step up if he realises he needs to do it for his childrens mental health. Not for him, not for his ExP, but for his kids sake. They NEED to see him fighting for them for their self esteem.

Perhaps he has ideas about what his children NEED - and perhaps,..he may not want anyone to 'get' him to do anything.
Why do people think others should do what THEY think.

plantsitter No, that isn't a concern. They ask every time to stay longer, when can they stay for a fortnight etc.

Bitter I am legally trained, therefore he can self-represent which makes financial costs minimal. It isn't emotionally difficult as she isn't making accusations of abuse or poor parenting or anything, she just wants (and thinks she's entitled to) them to herself. It's an easy argument to counter, and surely preferable to barely knowing your children?

Davs He asked: 'what should I do?' so I said: 'i think you should return to court.' I'm not imposing my opinions on him, but neither can I empathise completely when he just sits back and takes whatever the exW does, to the detriment of his children.

gotnotime the children ask every time to be here more. Even if the exW was letting the children dictate, she wouldn't be acting in their best interests and a responsible parent would say they'd see their friends another day as they haven't seen their dad for weeks/months.

Davs I honestly doubt he, nor any rational person, thinks his children NEED to feel abandoned and like their father doesn't give a crap about them.

I'd lose respect for him.

I cannot imagine not fighting with every bone in my body for my kid's right to a relationship with me.

Apathy when it comes to your dependent flesh and blood is not something I can comprehend as an optional emotion.

dollsmouse I am not saying he is right to give up, but it is also not right to judge him too harshly - It is not an easy situation. It would not be good for the children for their parents to be fighting over this either.

We don't know if his children feel 'abandoned' or that they think he does not give a crap about them.
We also do not fully understand the exes reasons for her behaviour.
I think children tend to know which parent is causing the problem - they may not blame their Dad at all.

You are right though - If you have an order and it is breached then it needs addressing - otherwise there is no point in having the order.

I just don't think people should assume he does not care about his kids.

OP I commend you for caring - there are enough people out there who wouldn't give a shit when it comes to DCs from H's previous relationship, it'd be all about the 'now' and the current family. I have a mind if you are speaking to him about it then he's asked your advice. & you are in a relationship with each other so of course you would and should have something to say, as well as an opinion.

Im sure many of us would walk over hot coals and fight to the death for our DCs so of course its hard to look on and see that someone else does not. Yes its a horrible, difficult, emotive situation. But he's not a delicate flower! Life isn't always easy at times we have to commit to fighting for what we want and if he does want to maintain contact with his DCs then he must try his very best, as (unfortunately) difficult as his ExW is making it. Then again, does he truly want to fight for them, be in their lives? He may not. It does happen.

His DCs could grow up with zero respect for him. He may care about that, in time to come. & they may not buy reasoning such as 'your DM made it so difficult for me to be with you all I just gave up after a while'. That could well be how they see it.

As hard as it is, I think you should bite your tongue for a bit. Don't say anything about his DCs/the situation. But alongside you not saying anything then its not for him to come to you with stories of woe about DCs/ExW. No way. Not unless he's fighting for his rights..you are not a sounding board for complaints whilst he is not fighting to resolve the things he is complaining about. That kind of thing can really wear you down in life.

I have some sympathy for his situation. I can understand why he may feel it's hopeless, etc.

However, all I know is that if it were me in his situation I would do everything within my power to see my DC. And far from feeling that my actions might be making it worse for the DC because it would be better for them to not have the conflict, or whatever, I would feel that it was most definitely not in their best interests to be parented by someone behaving in such a poor way so I would be fighting for contact/residency even harder.

I feel very sorry for him. He must feel that each time he gets somewhere, he gets it snatched away from him. He probably wonders if all the pain is worth it for him AND the kids.

It is worth it, poor fella, but I can see how at times he must just want the problems to go away. This must be a big strain on you - all I can say is to be honest with him, tell him how you feel and emphasize that you are a team and in it together, etc, etc.

Perhaps you could suggest mediation again rather than going straight to court?

YANBU to lose respect for him, but YABU in trying to organise it all for him (sorry, that's how it comes over). Does he realise that not (apparently) showing an interest in contact his older children might affect you? After all, if he can do this to them, there's nothing to stop him doing it to the younger ones (not that anyone would ever expect anything to happen, but you never know).

It must be incredibly frustrating for you, but the best I think you could do is sit down with him, explain your point of view, then leave him to it. It might take him a while to get round to it (although the longer he leaves it, the harder it'll get - both to get things back on track and for any court to believe he means it) but for your own sanity you need to take a step back. Unfortunately, this might mean you losing respect for him completely and questioning your relationship. But make him aware of this, then let him get on with it.

There isn't any conflict as far as we know as they have handovers via a third party. His exW tells them he's too busy with us (his 'new family') to see them and I think if he doesn't act quickly he'll end up completely disregarded from their lives and when she tells them he never tried, they'll be nothing to counteract that. It's not fair on our children to keep losing and being reintroduced to their siblings either so it's my business to take that into consideration.

One day he will have to explain his actions when an adult dc asks him "why didn't you fight to see us?" I can see he has been fighting! but why not take it all the way and go back to court?