To think cats are not pets, more fluffy forms of torture.

[Tiggywinklespinny]

4.15am every bloody morning for the last week..she's taking the piss. It's survival of the fittest, who can crack first. She repeatedly paws at the things on my bedside table until they fall on the floor, pulls the lamp cord and walks all over you purring.

I have made the mistake of opening one eye to find myself being eyeballed and it's game over. Tiggy 0 bastard cat 1

Ugh, I haven't had an uninterrupted nights sleep since I got my second cat.

Cat 1 is perfect - quiet, doesn't hunt, wouldn't dream of waking me up, comes when he's called, and is loving. His only flaw is bed hogging.

Then came Bailey, who brought gifts galore, and wakes up at 4am to be fed, and then waits until you're fallen asleep to ask to go out. Asks to come back in at 5, waits until you're falling asleep to ask for food.

There is no ignoring him. He'll scratch, yowl and jump on you and you have to given just to get back to sleep again. He also is bloody rude, and hates me. But he's so bloody cute I can't stay mad at him.

But - the hunting thing has been solved by using a Liberator collar. It's great! It's a little black box, and flashes and beeps when he gets into a hunting position. We've had it about a year and went from a dead mouse or bird weekly to nothing.

Food or GTFO.

Chronic - I would have liked to get those for our two, but they discarded collars along with lovingly chosen name tags within hours days of being able to get close enough to them to get collars on them (which took 2 months). BoyCat "lost" his somewhere outside, but GirlCat left hers, ostentatiously shredded, in the middle of the kitchen floor .

I hope this works.

This is my Daft Daisy, smiling.

I locked mine in the kitchen over night once and only once, she planted herself on top of the fridge and started knocking the creek boxes off. There was coco pops and raisin wheats everywhere. Little moo bag.

Well now stealthsquiggle I wouldn't at all mind a spider hunter, as the spiders are taking over my house!
Hopefully I will be able to tell if the prospective moggy is a lazy arse. I have a feeling that it will be DS who will be bed sharing, as he is desperate for little brother (and is having to make do with a feline one) so will happily make room.
Have no catflap, so hopefully no rats will get in, because that is probably my actual worst nightmare.

Thinking about it, I grew up with cats, and they all got chucked out at night, so no shenanigans in the wee hours. And I only remember one who would sometimes catch birds, but would thoughtfully leave them on the front steps for our breakfast.

And if you don't let them in, I get this noise outside. Continuously
instagram.com/p/nVldVZNd0U/

Oscar sleeps on my bed permanently...he is very old now and the only thing that varies is the position. Foot of the bed for day time, pillow, my head, or under the covers for night time if it is cold.

Reuben spreads his love about, generally he is not allowed in dd's room because he likes conversation and will poke her awake at all hours, he's never done this to me or dh, or the boys. If he is in our room he patrols from the laundry basket to the foot of the bed to the window. He accompanies EVERYONE to the bathroom at night, no one is allowed to pee alone.

Faerie just terrorises the dogs....she will choose a chair or sofa and woe betide any dog who wishes to share. She is teeny and dainty, probably weighs about 8lbs, my 50kg GSDs are totally afraid of her and will sit pining to get on the sofa when she is sitting on the back, but they will not dare.

The issue of morning dead things no longer occurs as they are not allowed out at night.

Our cats were terrible for Wacky Races across the bed all night when they were kittens. They've calmed down a bit, though I'm still not sure how a petite cat manages to take up 75% of a super-king-size bed at night, leaving DH and I both sleeping right on the edge with no duvet.

Breakfast time is Not To Be Ignored though. Boy cat is relatively polite, and will just pop his head up over the side of the bed and say 'mao?' in an encouraging voice when he thinks it's time for you to get up. Girl cat, meanwhile, has jumped on the bed, walked all the way up you in her pointiest pointy boots and is bouncing on your bladder while yelling 'WENG! WENNNNG!' at the top of her voice.

Girl cat has Strange Ways though. She demands her own ramekin of water on the coffee table, and if you don't provide it she'll stick her little boot in your drink and flick it around. When I'm brushing my teeth she'll follow me into the bathroom and either demand that I turn the bath tap on so she can play with the water, or else require me to tickle her tummy while she sticks her head under the bathmat. She loves to climb up the yew tree in the back garden and sing to us from the top. Boy cat, her brother, is such a normal little cat and spends his time doing normal cat things, but she gets odder (and more vocal) with every passing month.

Pets? Cats? I am confused. You think cats are pets?

Cats are superior beings from another dimension whose only purpose is to stop uppity humans from thinking they are the masters of creation.

Best thing our FatCat did was catch a squirrel. he was so excited abut it, he ran across the garden to our horror with this huge animal it his mouth. Pride took over and he dropped it looking at us in a 'OMG get me' manner...when the squirrel, clearly having pretended to be dead, just took off into the bushes. FatCat was highly unamused and wobbled his little tummy as fast as he could after it.

By the look on his face on his return, mr squirrel had outsmarted him. Remarkable day all round, that.

my cat (I call him FatCat too) was so so pleased with himself when he bought home a huge rat

I am sure he found it dead or injured he is way to stupid gentle to be able to outsmart and kill a rat

he sat there purring and I could see him smiling, he was blissfully unaware that I was shaking and crying

Ours once stunned and brought in a baby magpie, which then came to and started panicking. It's parents were immediately outside the cat flap yelling blue murder and swearing horrible and bloody revenge.

The cats did a remarkably good job of denying all knowledge and making it clear that the whole thing was our problem to deal with.

My urban hunter OTOH came home with delights including Kentucky fried chicken, Billy Bear sausage, and a whole frozen fish which made her very cross because it wouldn't fit through the cat flap . And a frog. Alive and hopping.

This one got away.

The important thing to remember is that cats are not like dogs. Our ancestors saw dogs and thought they'd be useful so set about domesticating them. Cats, on the other hand, saw our ancestors and decided they'd be useful so set about domesticating them.

My ex's cat once trotted home with a bag of Fenwick's best paté.

His other cat stole a wrapped up fish supper from the next door neighbours and also learned how to get in the fridge. She was a bugger.

YouTheCat your ex obviously lived in a very different area to us . Where we were at the time, Billy Bear sausage and KFC were classy pickings. She never managed complete fish and chips, but she did go into next door's kitchen and eat a hole straight through the middle of the pizza which our lovely neighbour had left out (wrapped) to thaw .

I had to invite the neighbour for supper after that one.

wow Composhat maybe they are related - we can reunite them via Jezza

www.buzzfeed.com/video/zefrank/sad-cat-diary
I shy away from posting cute cat videos, but my,this made me laugh.

oooh Youthecat ....just reminded me, my first cat was an utter devil for getting in the fridge

it's surprising scary to open the fridge door to see a black and white cat blinking back at you. After a while he would get in, eat what he wanted and yowl demanding to be let out.....we had to put a child lock on to keep him out.

I'm poking my cat now as she's trying to sleep on the settee. I'm sat on the floor of course. I thought I'd give her a taste of her own medicine. She's trying to ignore me

My cat is gorgeous but very very naughty. I have three but the other two are well behaved.

But how can you not love a face like this? (excuse the table I have since got a new one)

She's all snuggly and warm, purring and lulling me into a false sense of security..pretending she's sweet and innocent. I'm not falling for it, bedroom door will be shut tonight. Mwahahahaha Tiggy 1 cat 1

I foster, and I have to shut the cats downstairs at night, ever since I fostered a one year old boy who would methodically slap me across the face with his paw from dawn until I got up. And if I tried to pull the covers over my head he went mental yowling and scratching till he found me. I just can't take anymore - I have to be able to sleep!

I've solved the problem of 4am wake-ups. After reaching breaking point and almost sending him back to the RSPCA, Kitty now sleeps in a dog crate. Surprisingly this works well, he just accepts it and even goes in for a sleep in the day without prompting, purrs when I put him in and never meows or scratches to come out during the night. Big stretch in the morning when I let him out. This was the