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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give boys and girls the same things in their party bags?

55 replies

Moonfacesmother · 28/04/2014 20:00

Ds will be 5 and the party bags will have mainly 'boy' type toys and some sweets.

I wouldn't usually give it a second thought but at the last party we went to two of the girls refused to see down and eat because the plates were pirate plates and so were for boys Confused
One girl even cried.
And instead of telling them to get a grip the parents were all 'there there, no there aren't any princess plates. Just put your food on your service the.'

So Aibu to put dinosaurs, bugs and cars in the girls party bags too? I reckon there will be some girls who would prefer this anyway so better to give all the same!

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 29/04/2014 06:55

It would never have occurred to me to do gendered party bags - or that anyone would see a pirate plate as being for a boy!

Sirzy · 29/04/2014 07:02

If DS complained about the plate his food was served on he would be told to either eat it from that plate or go hungry. If he still complained I would just remove him from the area.

As for the party bags, I would stick exactly the same in all of them. If someone really doesn't want a dinosaur they don't need to take a bag.

ProfYaffle · 29/04/2014 07:11

Gendered party bags always made me uncomfortable. Dd1 went to a pirates and princesses party when she was 4, she was the only female pirate there (her choice, she was into pirates at the time). Both my dds would love pirate places, dinosaurs and bugs.

Gender issues aside, it's plain rude to complain about the design of a plate or the contents of a party bag.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 29/04/2014 07:18

YANBU to have one type of party bag. I agree that toys should be toys and all toys should be gender neutral.

But I notice that you don't have anything generally perceived as a girl's toy in there.

Treaclepot · 29/04/2014 07:20

Gendered party bags always make DD moan that she didnt get the same plastic tat as her brothers.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 29/04/2014 07:27

Do they moan they didn't get the same as her?

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 29/04/2014 08:37

YANBU not to gender the party bags, of course, but it does seem a bit more that you're trying to teach the girls who cried about pirate plates a lesson, rather than (as a host should) give everyone a nice party bag which he or she will enjoy.

I think if those whingey girls don't like pirate plates, it's fairly clear they're not going to be wild about bugs and cars - and if the reason they don't like them is because they're girls who've been brought up to think so, then of course that is not good. But by imposing toys considered normative for boys, you are knowingly giving them a bag they won't like, and that's not kind.

Why not: cake, sweets, a balloon, a notebook and a bouncy ball or something? Seems better to me than saying 'sugar and spice - OUT; slugs and snails: IN'.

Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 29/04/2014 08:52

Mainly because ds loves dinosaurs and bugs at the moment! Bugs is also their topic at school.

I was going to put:

Bouncy ball
Stretchy dinosaur
Dinosaur colouring book
Crawling beetle
Cake
Sweets

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonfacesmother · 29/04/2014 08:53

I'm not doing it to spite them!
It was more I wouldn't really have thought about it at all and would have just included the above for everyone were it not for the fact I saw them making a fuss over a plate.

OP posts:
Xihha · 29/04/2014 09:02

YANBU, DD wold be delighted with a bag full of cars, bugs and dinosaurs, but she really isn't a girly girl, she's having a sleepover next week and wants the entire weekend to be dinosaur themed.

I've never done gendered party bags with either of my children, I've either stuck in things that match the theme of the party or gone with stuff like crayons and bouncy balls if there wasn't a theme, but If you know there are 2 girls that are likely to be upset its not girly, could you put the more cutesy bugs in their bags? (like ladybirds/butterflies).

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 29/04/2014 09:02

But ds won't get a party bag, surely?
I'm not saying you're 'spiting' the girls, but I do think as host you have to think about how you're going to make sure your guests are happy, and that you can do that without pandering to the no-pirate brigade or to the creepy crawly brigade.

Hellokittycat · 29/04/2014 09:09

Course the ds gets a party bag. Only little kids have party bags at their party and telling a little kid that everyone except him gets a party bag on his birthday is just mean when it only costs pennies more to let him have one.
I've never been to a kids party where the birthday child didn't get a party bag!! (Misses point of thread)

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 29/04/2014 09:11

Blimey. I thought they were meant to be for the guests Confused.

You'd think the party and the presents would be enough without needing a party bag at your own party!

JapaneseMargaret · 29/04/2014 09:30

They are meant for guests, but you're bound to have 1 or 2 left over, and you wouldn't go out of your way not to give one to the birthday boy/girl, surely...?

HaroldLloyd · 29/04/2014 10:01

Why wouldn't you give the party child a bag?

Seems more ridiculous to me.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 29/04/2014 10:45

No, I wouldn't go out of my way not to - I'd probably give them the spares, but I wouldn't count them in either!

SarcyMare · 29/04/2014 10:56

my daughter had a paddy this morning because she wanted to swap spoons with her brother (they were both identical) she was told in no uncertain terms she is 3 now, old enough to know it doesn't matter, and put on the tantrum step.
sod that from a 5 year old, but it would be different at a party, not wanting to spoil everyones fun witnessing a tantrum.

MissDuke · 29/04/2014 11:03

My daughter has SN and used to kick off about things like that at that age. I never tolerated it though, and ignored it or told her we would go on home then if she doesn't want to eat off it. Even with SN, I prefer to teach them manners!

I was mean to my ds though last year. I picked up Octonauts party stuff sooo cheap in Home Bargains, knowing he doesn't particularly like them - he wanted Batman - but I cannot resist a bargain. All the napkins/plates/cups came to 1.50! To be fair to him, he was ok about it after one single moan.

Canthisonebeused · 29/04/2014 11:24

Yanbu I have a girl of 8 who ls not particularly into barb your princess and I have always done a job lot of bags with things suitable for boys or girls. Maybe even a football or pirate rubber in a girls bag and a pink ballon or pencil in a boys as pink pirates and football is for everyone and not just girls or boys. I think the parents who indulged this obvious protects of pirates are for boys was just plain silly.

MaddAddam · 29/04/2014 11:46

Yanbu. I have dds who used to get in quick and take the party bags aimed at boys, leaving a few spare pink princessy ones for the latest boys. My dds were no keener on pink or frills than the average boy, they liked bugs and pirates. They particularly rebelled at one 5yo party when expected to decorate tutus rather than surfboards.

And meanwhile there are quite a few little boys who are keener on princess stuff than any of my dds were, so it seems only fair to give them all a free choice if you feel you have to do differentiated party bags or presents.

HaroldLloyd · 29/04/2014 16:49

OP you would probably have a full thread of outrage if yu said you were getting princesses for the girls.

Surely Dinosaurs and Bugs are unisex? They are animals.

I loved stuff like this when I was a girl me.

Forago · 29/04/2014 16:50

YANBU - this is a pet peeve of mine. Pink for girls, blue for boys - so unnecessary.

greenwinter · 29/04/2014 17:07

When I was a kid, dinosaurs were seen as for girls and boys.

2boys1girl1dog · 29/04/2014 17:08

I did this for my daughter's 5th birthday last month. She wanted a ballet themed party, pink everywhere, dancing games etc, being annoyingly stereotypical! she had a few boys there and everyone got a magic wand, some nutcracker figurines, stickers etc..the ones most excited about the magic (pink) wands were the boys, one of them said I can't beleive we got one of these too- he was so happy!!! :-)
I think it's nice they all get the same

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 29/04/2014 17:21

Dinosaurs are unisex, of course, but this is what the OP says - the party bags will have mainly 'boy' type toys and some sweets - which I think suggests the girls, who she knows were upset about the pirate plates, have to get their heads round having what she designates are 'boy type toys'. You can't get annoyed at the girls deciding some things are for them and some not, if you think in terms of 'boys' toys' and 'girls' toys' - even if your conclusion is that both genders should have both!

Both genders should have all kinds of toys: that's different though from saying the girls will have to put up with what you yourself think of as 'boy toys'.

And, just being practical, girls who don't like pirates probably aren't going to be thrilled by bugs. Party bags should be a nice thing for the guests not an opportunity to teach the girls a lesson! And I bet if anyone said they were going to put Barbies in the boys' bags, they'd get a different sort of response, on the whole.