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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go back to him

21 replies

13Namechanger · 28/04/2014 10:18

DH and I split up a few months ago. We have 2 dc.

He was lazy, unsupportive at times and pushed me in an argument. He has a temper. Things were absolutely horrendous and I definitely did the right thing leaving when I did. We were both miserable.

Since we split, he has sought anger management and been having counselling. He has been on board with DC. We've been getting on really well.

I miss him. I miss having the family together.

We talked about marriage counselling.

I don't know if I would be a complete mug to believe that he would have changed...

WIBU to go back? Not straight away, but work towards it at least? Or am I a naive idiot?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 28/04/2014 10:28

There would be no harm in marriage counselling.

I was in a very similar situation once upon a time, like you we got on much better after we had separated. We got back together and did counselling, but actually the counselling just helped me to realise that I didn't really want to be with him, I just wanted the little family with all the ideals. So we split again. Now a decade later we are friends and have a good parenting relationship, and I'm glad we gave it a second go otherwise I'd probably always have wondered 'what if'.

If you really think it could work then it's worth a try. You are married, and that to me means you should give it extra effort, even if in the end it doesn't work.

lollerskates · 28/04/2014 10:28

I can see why you'd be considering it but I wouldn't, personally. Of course it's impossible for anyone to "know" what would be right for you because we're not in the situation. But for me the pushing would be a dealbreaker.

GlitterFingers · 28/04/2014 10:29

Not unreasonable no he seems to have made a big effort to change and fix his problems. Maybe get counselling for yourself as well as couple counselling so you don't fall in to old habits.

Take it slow like its a new relationship because it should be a lot different if he has changed. No one will judge you for taking a chance on being a family

JumpingJackSprat · 28/04/2014 10:29

Bad idea. Men like this don't change.

AlpacaLypse · 28/04/2014 10:31

If he's really been trying to address the issues that made you leave him, and you miss him as much as you miss being a family unit, it would be churlish not to give it a try.

Birdsgottafly · 28/04/2014 10:33

Has he taken full responsibility for his feelings and actions?

Does he accept that no outside influence makes another person aggressive or violent to another person?

Does he now respect your (and your children's) rights and bounderies?

Have you read the stuff around controlling men etc.

People can change, but it takes all if the above and more.

Marriage counselling can make abusive/unreasonable behaviour look like a couple problem and not abuse, that's the danger.

I find that there is still a level of sexism around expected gender roles, in counselling, that can be dangerous, for the victim/s.

LineRunner · 28/04/2014 10:34

Depends what the therapy has unearthed, and whether he has learned the skills and techniques to keep control and to be positive.

Understanding that, say, you had a shitty childhood is one thing - it's learning to soothe yourself so you can be nice to others that matters.

Sallyingforth · 28/04/2014 10:35

Why not suggest a trial re-union for a set period, say a month?

Original poster
13Namechanger · 28/04/2014 10:36

I read Lundy when we split.
He does take it on board.
He was the one who booked the doc appt because he was so disgusted by how he had behaved.

I had PND too and he didn't get it, wasn't supportive and he seems to understand how much pressure that put on me now.

OP posts:
iMacHunt · 28/04/2014 10:37

Oh STBXH did all this 'I've realised I was wrong, I'll change' song and dance in the first few months post separation.

2 years later he is still the same controlling, abusive twat.

(I didn't take him back at all btw)

KoalaFace · 28/04/2014 10:38

Hi OP.

In situations like this there is never a "one size fits all" answer. But whatever you decide to do please do your upmost to keep yourself and your DC safe, not just from any physical aggression (as it may escalate from the pushing) but from the heartache that can come from splitting.

If you decide to have relationship counselling please ensure he continues with his own and his anger management. I'd also recommend that you have your own counselling sessions also, so that you stay in touch with your needs and wants the whole time and are not steamrolled into what he wants.

Take it slow slow slow, have him prove how not only his behaviour is different but how his whole attitude and outlook has changed as without real change in those areas the behaviour will re-emerge.

Leave him to believe that never having you back is a real possibility. It's your best chance for his change.

Good luck Thanks

Birdsgottafly · 28/04/2014 10:38

I would add, has he gotten rid of his sense of entitlement because he male and now understands that he has equal responsibility?

Original poster
13Namechanger · 28/04/2014 10:38

I was thinking of a trial run sally but I don't think it's fair on the children. They are just getting used to the new set up.

We have been spending the odd day together as a family, and last night my mum had the children and we went on a date... But I couldn't move the kids back in again unless I was 100% sure.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 28/04/2014 10:48

I understand. The children are of course your no.1 priority.

Birdsgottafly · 28/04/2014 10:50

Is a joint self catering holiday possible?

Just spending time together isn't enough.

Birdsgottafly · 28/04/2014 10:52

A holiday would be "family time" and so would him being responsible for planning a "family day out", these scenarios can be telling.

It would also give you what you would like, in part.

maddening · 28/04/2014 10:58

if you do go ahead - even if it gets to the point where he moves back in as you feel he has changed and all is positive then you need to have and maintain an escape fund, keep all your paperwork together etc incase it is a charm act he is pulling.

SarcyMare · 28/04/2014 11:09

I would give it longer than a few months, getting back to gether and splitting again is hell on the kids, they also have the break up twice.

So go to the counselling now before you get back together, work out the problems. go on dates, have him round for longer visits, do the trigger things that used to cause problems.

You can even sleep together in secret if the lack of sex is a problem.

Original poster
13Namechanger · 29/04/2014 18:11

Thanks everyone. We are going to take the children out for the day on saturday... we'll see how it goes step by step I guess. He is desperate for us to get back together and talking about me moving back in when my contract is up on the house I'm renting in August but that feels way too soon for me, I just want to make sure whichever way that we're 100% about it.

OP posts:
SpringBreaker · 29/04/2014 18:14

He will do or say anything now to get you back. You will believe it. Then as soon as you let your guard down he will revert back to his old self.

Original poster
13Namechanger · 29/04/2014 18:23

springbreaker I think deep down I know that's true. But I still need to give it a try... I know that doesn't make any sense...

I definitely won't be moving back in, that way at least the children will be protected if it all goes wrong again.

OP posts:
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