To be majorly pissed off at mil (yes, I know,I know£

[KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn]

AIBU to enquire how you wise ones of mumsnet put up with your interfering, narsiccitic, hyprochondriac, perpetual victem and martyr mother in law.

I know some of you she been blessed with mother Teresa / but to those who have not ... How do you stop yourself from going insane with anger over them?

This is a joyous time in my life (pregnant again) and I am a fairly positive person, but the woman still manages to drag me down by somehow making my pregnancy about her, being nasty to dh (who is now feeling hurt and wont talk to me about hat she said) and still making outlandish requests to my dh who works two jobs- despite her being a healthy, able person.

I am sorry for the rant, but I truly do despair over this woman. Before any smart ass says its all me - or poor mil, everyone is irked by her- not just me!

Keep away from her. Don't visit.

I rarely do, but she wants to see dd- so i have to sometimes. Dh gets upset about us not getting along too...

I think you need to set really firm boundaries and stick to them. Get some stock responses in your arsenal, breezy subject changes, and most of all be firm with requests and united with your DH.

Does your dh understand though what she's like?

Do you stick together? Is it more him not standing up to her or really her? If you see what I mean.

I agree with the setting of firm boundaries to minimise your exposure! I just rant in my head and on here to relieve the pressure!

You could try playing buzzword bingo in your head, or with your dh - place your bets before she arrives about how long before she says x or how many times will she do y. Take your mind off how irritating x and y are!

Thats a good one bedraggled! We sorta do this! Yes dh is firmly in agreement with me - he wasn't always , until I got very low about things and he saw just how much mil impacted on my emotional life...

I have boundaries and also swift subject changers. I also tell her f all about our lives now, as made the mistake to share stuff and she then imposed too much in every area of our lives. This was my fault fr being too open with her.

Just because she wants to see your dd doesn't mean you have to let her.

Instead of changing the subject, call her out on her behaviour, just cos everyone else is happy to accept her like this doesn't mean you have to.

She is behaving like a toddler, (well worse really, at least they don't know what they're doing). If a child acted like her, would you let them get away with it?

She will never change, she will carry on like this because no one tells her it's unacceptable. You have 3 choices, carry on as you are, severely limit your contact, or deal with it.

Keep contact on your terms. Without knowing the ins and outs of your particular situation my 'blanket' piece of advice would be to get an answering machine and use it to screen her calls, arrange visits at hers as it's easier to control the length of time, and stick to your guns over plans and decisions made between you and DH.

One more thing - talk honestly but gently with DH about his mother - try not to trap him in the middle between you. With my XH i found that if i moaned about his mum he'd feel he had to start stand up for her. Which caused friction. If i kept 90% of my [anger] about her behavior to myself he'd end up venting about his mum to me and saying all the things i was thinking without me having to instigate the discusion!

Good idea fluffy. When I moan it simply pushes dh away. I want him to be able to vent to me. I also want to be able to vent to him!

What sort of things has she done/said?

Not what you need when you're pregnant

Oh God feather do you have all day
I'm a hard person to live with (true, but not her place to say)
I better get used to being a single mum
Dh and I should split
She wants to kill herself (when we had an argument)
She only talks about herself/ either her ill Heath , how someone is doing wrong by her / similar martyr stuff
She gets dh to do a lot for her, ie get shopping for her , despite working and being fit and healthy.
She sees dh as her man and I am her competition (her behaviour shows this and my family have noticed this )
She makes everything doom and gloom and about her.
She is nasty about my dm.
She will never apologise to me.
She is never ever wrong - ever! Always the victem.
She manipulates dh ...
God I could go on ...

Sounds a complete nightmare. I can't really comment on how to handle mil (I have a fantastic relationship with mine) but I have been nc with virtually all my family bar dsis for years now. If you can find ways to deal with other peoples shitty behaviour than great. I can't be bothered with all that. Life is short and stressfull enough cut the fuckers out is my philosophy. Hth. XX

It sounds like you already have good boundaries and tactics (like subject changes) in place. If your DH is on board you're halfway there. I also have difficult in laws (not half as bad as yours) and I find presenting a 100% united front is crucial. It means that our ILs are less likely to try and manipulate my DH as they know it'll get back to me and we'll be tackling it together.

Oh and if she says she wants to kill herself, say something like "I am hanging up now and calling an ambulance. Please don't do anything rash, they will be there very shortly." Then hang up.

Hopefully that'll nip that one in the bud. That is a REALLY serious thing to say (even if you know she doesn't mean it).

Firstly you have my sympathies, it's very difficult when you have a MIL who you really don't get on with. And yes, I know some people will squirm and get upset about a thread where the poster is daring to criticise her MIL - some of us don't have great ones ok! Great for you the ones that do. Anyhoo, how you deal with it really depends on how toxic she is. In my opinion there's nothing you can do with some, you will always be wrong and a villain, and they will always be completely innocent victims. I hope you don't have this type.
If she's as bad as I suspect she is then really I think the only/best thing you can do is limit how much you have to do with her as much as possible. I don't share anything personal with mine or talk about parenting, I also let her lead the conversation (normally complaining about something or other) and will agree as necessary. At all times I'm just basically maintaining a superficial level of civility, we're not close, we never will be, and the best we can hope for is to be polite and not make it obvious how we really feel about one another.

I used to try to arrange visits with her but have stopped bothering - sometimes it felt like trying to squeeze blood from a stone. Instead I decided she could make the effort - in almost a year she hasn't text me once trying to arrange to see her GD, she only texts her son now and seems content to see her GD only the extremely rare times she has the weekend off (this also suits me).

Unity with your husband is also important. I try to avoid venting to my DH about her though. I never initiate complaints and when he's venting to me I will only agree or add comments to things he's already bought up - I try to avoid adding to it as much as possible. This is because I just don't think it's fair on him and that there are others I can vent to (MN for instance). I also try to be respectful of the fact that she is his mum and however much she might upset or hurt me it's much worse for him. So I don't just go running, blabbing to everyone about what I really think of her. In fact the only people who've ever really been told anything irl are my mum, best friend, and husband (to a much more restrained degree than the other 2!). To an extent I even end up protecting her public image to others - when DH is in a conversation with people about his mum and things she's done I don't just jump in with all the things he forgot to mention! Basically I think it's very important to take my cue from DH about what he's comfortable discussing or how much he really wants others to know - I try my best to respect that and be discrete about any issues they've had, and as it happens he does vent a lot to me and has begun to realise things I've thought all along (eg. that she has at times been a neglectful and abusive mother).

I am much happier for seeing her less in my life, but tbh I am still filled with resentment and anger. This part I'm still trying to work out myself so unfortauntely I've no advice there. Best of luck.

Oh and the Stately Homes thread in relationships might be helpful.

You have described my MIL.

At the start, i nodded and smiled. Her behaviour was awful..but we just let it happen, we went through with the demands, pandered to her needs. I was so stupid back then.

Then as time went on, she was seriously messing with my MH. We made visits at our home.
I continued to nod and smile. It got worse and i started to question her. She just seemed to create drama, make everything about her, just thought about herself and played the victim.

Dh started to open up about her and she had allways been like this. It was like he was brain washed, he would allways defend her with 'shes my mum' and 'its just the way she is'

It got worse as it involved me and our children then. It wasn't just DH, he couldn't blank or ignore her anymore. He saw how it effected me.

We stood up for ourself and my god, she upped her game. Demanded to make time for her ( i was in labour!) Spread rumours about me and threatened me. All this was whilst pregnant and had a newborn.
She shot herself in the foot by acting like this as DH saw her for what she is.

Its been 8 months now and we havn't seen her.

My advice is, tell DH how you feel. You are a team, he needs to back you up on this.

Sounds very similar to mine.
We moved half way around the world, that helped immensely
DH keeps in touch with his family via Skype etc, I have very little to do with them anymore.
I have no practical advice but if you can get your DH onside that will help enormously.
My MIL was actively disappointed and rude when we announced we were having DC3, she didn't get to see much of our new baby once she was born until not long before we moved. It still annoys me now, and DC3 is nearly 4!

Emigrate.

And pretend Skype is broken.

Thanks everyone. If I could emigrate, I would. I really hav shot myself in the foot by behaving appallingly and slagging dhs mum off to my family infront of him several times :(

I was just enraged by her and by him for not sticking up for me sooner, I didn't care. Big mistake. I have learned from this - now I see dh definitely confides in me more because of this.

She recently behaved appallingly when we met up and since then I have been angry with all over again. But I need to keep schtum around dh. I also desperately wanna find out what his mother has had a go at him for - he still hasn't said and I don't wanna push it!

You don't have to see her at all. Life is too short to waste with people like this. If DH wants to see her let him take the DC.

If you want to stay "low contact" with her just leave it to the big events you really cannot get out of. Don't answer the phone to her, don't get sucked into her drama.

Is your Dh actually sticking up for you?