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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be worried about my son?

20 replies

ScarlettDarling · 27/04/2014 22:05

My son is 10. He is a good boy, clever and hard working. He is quiet and not great in social situations, but he is trying hard with this. He has recently joined a karate club and several clubs at school. He doesn't have loads of friends, but has got a small group of good friends at school. He doesn't have any 'playing out' friends at home though. Even though he is quiet and extremely well behaved at school, he is sometimes manic at home. He shrieks and yells and screams and witters. He can be extremely dramatic and camp and can at times drive me and dh mad. My dh has very little patience with this and he tells my ds off all the time. I have a lot more patience, but more and more often he is also driving me to distraction. Today and yesterday he was told off for completely overreacting to something small, eg. He flounced off, slammed doors and burst into tears because he was asked to put his beanbag away, and when I pulled him up on his overreaction, he started saying 'I hate myself, I'm an idiot!' and started hitting himself. This really shocked me. I'm worried that we're nagging him far too much and making him have a complete downer on himself. I'm terrified that we have done some kind of mental damage to him by constantly telling him off. I'm frightened that the hitting himself is a kind of precursor to self harm. Am I over reacting or am I right to be so worried?

OP posts:

route1 · 27/04/2014 22:26

Yes I think you should listen to your instincts. He is trying his best but all kids need to let off steam and perhaps if he's an only child and hasn't got friends to play with at home then he has a lot of pent-up energy. Can you talk to your dh and get him to show more tolerance?

Original poster

ScarlettDarling · 27/04/2014 22:35

He has his sister, 7, but no friends nearby. I do think its a case of just bubbling over with energy and spending too much time indoors. I have spoken to dh so many times about trying to be more tolerant, but he just doesn't understand ds, he is very much a mans man who loves his football and has never been shy in his life...he can't get his head around a boy who is quiet, sensitive and a v deep thinker. I was horrified when he started hitting himself and saying he hated himself...im so worried we've damaged him emotionally . Just not sure how to handle this.

OP posts:

notenoughwine · 27/04/2014 22:43

If this is the first time he has said anything like this I wouldn't worry too much. As long as you reassure him that he isn't an idiot and try to build his self esteem he should be ok.

Also talking to you DH about being more undestanding is a good idea.

Backtobedlam · 27/04/2014 22:51

Karate is great for self esteem, it also gives him a way to release some tension/energy and learn self control, so really good step doing that. I wouldn't worry to much about the hitting himself, at least he is trying to express how he's feeling to you. Could you give him a pen and paper and ask him to draw or write how he is feeling? Especially when he gets to boiling point.

Newbiell · 27/04/2014 23:14

Tricky because you need to make sure he is ok, but you don't want him to get in the habit of doing this and then getting your attention. I'd not react particularly to outbursts like that - just reassure him he's not an idiot then change the subject, but I would try to delve into the state of his mind in general chat at other times.
At ten they do overreact quite a bit sometimes. They are growing up but struggling with how to handle their emotions. Keep an eye on it.
Can DH and DS do somethings together one on one? Can you give him a bit more individual time too?

Good luck

NoodleOodle · 27/04/2014 23:16

If he doesn't have friends to play with in the street you live in, could you invite friends over? I find children much easier to deal with when they have a friend with them to help entertain them.

tmae · 27/04/2014 23:28

It sounds to me that he is very frustrated and taking it out in safe situations, i.e. at home. I don't think for a second that you are doing a bad job with him, he has only just revealed that he is actually upset. The only thing I can think to suggest is to try to spend time with him chatting or playing but just so he can get some emotion out before it builds up. Are you sure there isn't anything going on at school that may be affecting his confidence?

wheresthelight · 27/04/2014 23:28

Up until the hitting himself you could have been describing my dss!! He is also 10 and his behaviour is identical to what you have described except he has no friends as he is very awkward in social situations.

We have found that keeping him active has helped and joining things like scouts has helped to bring him on. Dss has a dsis and 2 step sisters he lives with and they are all very immature from what I see/hear and know of dsd so I think he mirrors them a lot as he plays with them. However his manic behaviour does keep my dd entertained (8 months and his half sister) so it's not all bad but I so struggle a lot with the endless wittering and noise!

His behaviour registers low down on the autistic spectrum (but most of us would in fairness) but he is jot autistic butbit might be worth speaking yo your GP for further advice as adhd may also be a possibility. Have you looked at his diet at home to see if there is any link to his behaviour?

VanGogh · 27/04/2014 23:34

Dramatic? Find him a kids drama group! They seem to attract a lot of shyer, socially awkward children and a good group (and I am NOT talking about one of those franchised places) is a supportive nurturing environment.

I'm heavily involved in one. We don't care about awards. We teach children to speak, the interact with new people and generally raise self esteem and confidence whilst having a lot of fun. It may help him to have a safe outlet for his energy, make more
friends and see his skills!

Million to one shot but where are you OP?

Yambabe · 28/04/2014 00:41

You are describing to a T the home behaviour and social interactions of my niece.

She (at 14) had just been diagnosed formally as being Aspergers, this was a huge shock and caused much distress to my dsis but she has been able to find some great support since the diagnosis.

It may be something you would want to look into further, there is a lot of info available out there on t'internet.

hiddenhome · 28/04/2014 00:54

Gosh, you've just described ds2 who is nine. Even down to the hitting himself (and he pulls his hair).

I think they just get overwrought sometimes and need to let the stress out. Crying isn't that bad because it gets rid of the stress hormones.

Original poster

ScarlettDarling · 28/04/2014 08:53

Thanks so much for your replies, i actually feel hugely reassured.
Vangogh...he has joined a school drama club and took a main role in a recent production. We were so proud! We are in the north east, where is your group?
I have considered aspergers and asd , but his behaviour is impeccable at school, the only concern any teachers have expressed is that he can be quiet, do surely he wouldn't have such control over it if aspergers or asd was involved?

OP posts:

VanGogh · 28/04/2014 14:18

I'm North London.
Congratulations to him on his role however! Keep him at it! There's hundreds of groups and society's and it can really help with communication, self esteem and friendships.

I just want to give your DS a big big hug. Some of his anger may also be hormonal too but it's frightening to have that much frustration inside. He clearly knows he's in a safe environment at home so well done to you.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 28/04/2014 14:24

Scarlett your DS could be my DS. He has a tiny group of friends, we've had bullying issues at the start of year 7 and he often makes comments about himself like he is thick, he is ugly etc etc.

We try and work on his self esteem but I totally understand where you are coming from - it is very worrying but I am hoping confidence will come with age.

Edendance · 28/04/2014 14:44

It's actually realitively common for children with ASD to be able to use coping strategies at school to manage in front of teachers and peers, yet struggle at home to keep it together. Perhaps worth looking into?

trappedinsuburbia · 28/04/2014 14:56

This could be my ds, although he has one playing out friend but obviously not always available. What has really helped is him going to lots of different clubs, football, scouts, rugby and a church one.
Also and ill get flamed for this, he has an xbox and so do lots of the school pals, I set it up with the live account and got him the earphone thingy so he can play his game and chat to his school pals as well, its obviously well monitored by myself, but it helps wile away a few hours.

thebodydoestricks · 28/04/2014 15:06

I think it's your dh who needs looking at here.

He sounds a stupid bully.

Your ds sounds fine.

lynniep · 28/04/2014 15:12

He sounds like my DS1 as well. He is 7. Very bright. Not the most pleasant of company sadly as he never wants to go out for the day with us 'its boring, its rubbish' (pretty much ruined our easter break by whingeing and was only happy throwing 2p's at the arcade machines). He's always saying he's stupid. He went through a period of telling us he wanted to die.
We asked the school counsellor to speak to him but she didnt really get to the bottom of it and only noticed his reluctance to respond to questions and his inability to look her in the eye. He does have friends at school and can be sociable though, just not all the time, which is fair enough. At school his teacher finds him quite detached from lessons and fidgety so he now attends sensory sessions in the morning.

He is awful to his little brother - sneakily kicking him, wanting everything DS2 picks up, calling his names.

His is a bit Jekyll and Hyde though - he can suddenly switch into perfectly pleasant boy. This happens rarely but when it does he is literally a different child. Last night he did it and even asked if DS2 could sleepover in his room! (DS2 normally banned from there)

He has improved a lot since he learned to ride his bike last month because he actually really enjoys this, so we try to get him out on it every day. He also loves cricket (although it can result in the 'I'm stupid' scenario when he's having an off day and can't hit the ball). We therefore try to encourage this. He also likes climbing - we did suggest climbing club as we tried a free session once on a climbing wall and he was light a rat up a drainpipe - but he prefers trees and refused the climbing club suggestion (its boring)!

I don't know how to react to the 'I'm stupid/hate myself' stuff other than to say 'no youre not' and then ignore it. I am always telling him off for his misbehaviour and trying to reinforce better behaviour by rewarding him with stars (they equate to money or time on electronic game - the boys are fined as well for not good behaviour)

I'm glad to hear hear your son is in drama group. Sounds fantastic!

kate1516 · 28/04/2014 15:26

He sounds like me when I was small. I was very very shy to the extent I honestly could not recognise a classmate or teacher when I wasn't in school because I didn't do eye contact. As I was so quiet during the day and also stressed out by the social situations, I would come home and just let rip. My mum said she made me cry every day as I only calmed down after that. That sounds mean but she said tiny things would make me cry as I was so wound up - e.g. can you put your coat away now please. I also had low self esteem. But you learn to get past it and I am fine now. Maybe you could find a way for him to let off steam when he gets home from school (not suggesting you find ways to make him cry) - 30 mins of football or something active for example?

Original poster

ScarlettDarling · 28/04/2014 15:36

Thanks so much for all your support and replies, feeling much happier.

Thebodydoestricks...i agree that dh is part of the prob, a big part as he and ds clash constantly. He isn't a stupid bully though, he's a loving dad who is struggling to understand his son.

Edendance ...im not an expert on aspergers or asd, but as a primary teacher, i have come across lots of children with these conditions, and don't feel that ds behaviour at school is like the children i know who have been diagnosed.Will def do a bit research though, not going to rule it out.

Going to take your advice ladies and do lots of discussion with ds when things are calm, about how great he is and coping strategies for when he starts to lose it! Yet another discussion with dh tonight methinks!!!

OP posts:

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