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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my children back full time?

27 replies

mumof3lovelykids · 27/04/2014 19:15

My husband walKed out back in Feb 2013 and since then he has been having the DC half the time. I believe this is so that he gets out of paying mainteance (although CSA say he should still be paying) He is staying with his mother, just around the corner. The children have their own room - but only when it is not needed for other relatives... then it is a spare room and the children stay here. I am aware that my ex has work on a tuesday night when he has the children, only possible because his mum is in the house to look after them, I believe that they should be with me if he is unable to have them (giving me first refusal at least). More recently I have asked aout sharing the cost of childcare, this was thrown back in my face... it's on your days therefore your responsibility... understandable if he was paying maintenance.
I want to have the children home, has anyone else had this issue? How easy was it to get them back? I honestly believe they are better off with me, (he has mental health issues) as they don't seem to want to go.
Any help appreciated x

OP posts:

devoniandarling · 27/04/2014 19:17

How old are the children? Could you ask them what they want?

MsIngaFewmarbles · 27/04/2014 19:19

If you have joint residency then why would he need to pay you maintenance for the DC? What is it that you pay for or provide that he doesn't?

Joules68 · 27/04/2014 19:19

Mental health issues being your only issue I'd say yabu

MsIngaFewmarbles · 27/04/2014 19:21

Also if joint residency has been in place for a year and there are no concerns about neglect or abuse I think you will find it very difficult to change it.

PortofinoRevisited · 27/04/2014 19:22

If you have 50/50 split then his arrangements on his days are up to him, however galling that might be. If you feel the children are suffering, and you need a different arrangement and consider the finances to be unfair then you a solictor.

BookABooSue · 27/04/2014 19:25

If this has been the situation since last year has anything happened that makes you want to change it? Otherwise it seems odd to suddenly challenge the custody/residency arrangements.

Joules68 · 27/04/2014 19:27

What childcare? Surely he should have first refusal.....

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2014 19:30

Is this agreed by the courts or what was decided by the two of you when you split?

MisForMumNotMaid · 27/04/2014 19:32

I understand you wanting your children full time, wanting money, wanting them when he's not even with them and can even relate to the mental health issues.

I think you need to separate and handle all the issues as individual issues because actually they're, in the main, not related.

Co parenting - is he providing a roof over the kids heads, ensuring they're fed and clothed? Do the DC in the main have beds/ appropriate sleeping arrangements when with him i.e. Older children if different sexes separate rooms etc? Are the DC of an age where they are old enough to discuss what they'd like if it came to court? If its occasionally loosing they're beds to guests, don't all DC do this?
CSA claim/ maintenance. Find out what CSA guidelines are and advise him to pay the guided amount or he'll be paying more because he'll have to pay the majority of the fees now charged for payments recovered via the CSA equivalent.
Access when he's not with the children. This one is essentially tough luck unless you could reason with him to change days. Rather like childcare is your issue on your days.
Mental health issues with another adult in the house do you have grounds that when the children are with him they're at risk?

Are you getting a divorce? If you're in a financially disadvantaged position because you've been main carer for the children you may be able to claim spousal maintenance as well as a childcare percentage.

Its an absolute minefield but get everything that doesn't seam right down on paper and get it into a list of things to resolve in your priority order.

randomAXEofkindness · 27/04/2014 19:33

Why should he pay your expenses if it's a 50/50 split? Do you pay his expenses when they are with him?

coffeetofunction · 27/04/2014 19:36

This sounds similar to us...

I'm expecting mine & DH DC1 & I want all my children together. The older 2 children have split time with us & XP. It's very civil most of the time but I hate them not being here

When childcare has been discussed we try to work it so a parent has them where possible & when not possible the parent who has them on the day childcare is needed has to pay (if that makes sence).

I have no idea how easy it would be for myself to take children back & have them 'full time' but I've come to think that it's my selfish reasons I wanted them. My ex has MH issues, his house isn't as clean as I would like it & he doesn't do discipline like me & DH but I know the kids need us all

balia · 27/04/2014 19:41

Please think carefully before asking the children to take responsibility for an adult decision - it puts them in such a difficult position and divides their loyalties.

Are you actually saying here that your DC's father doesn't love them or care about them, he just wants to save himself money? Is he such a high earner that 20% of his earnings would be more than it costs to look after 2 children for 50% of the time?

If that is the case, then you would need to apply to the court. However, they tend not to get involved in value judgements about parenting (eg who is the 'better' parent), and unless he cannot care adequately for the DC, his MH would not be an issue either. They would look at the status quo, which is 50/50. You would have to convince them that being with you more would not only be in their interests, but would be so much better for them that the advantages would outweigh the effect of the disruption brought about by the changes. On the information you've given, I think you'd have an uphill battle, TBH.

WooWooOwl · 27/04/2014 19:43

I can completely understand how you feel. I'd hate my children to be away from me for half of their lives.

But if you did have the children for longer, then would you accept that you had to ask him for permission to leave the children with your family or friends or chosen child care, or would you think that as you are a responsible parent you can leave you children with who you choose to while they are in your care?

There's really nothing wrong with your ex leaving the children with his mum so that he can go to work.

If you each have the children for 50% of the time, then I don't see why he should have to pay you maintenance for them. If he has to pay you, then why shouldn't you have to pay him? Expenses like school trips and uniform should be spilt equally.

It impossible to say whether the mental health issues are a reason why he shouldn't have joint residency of his children, there are countless people that suffer with things that come under the banner of mental health issues and take perfectly good care of their children. Would you say that any mother suffering from post natal depression should only be given limited access to their children?

RandomMess · 27/04/2014 19:47

Is he actually having them 50% of the nights or is it less than that? If it's less then he should be paying you something towards them. It sounds like he doesn't if they have to come to you when relatives come and stay?

Are you getting the CB and able to claim the CTC?

AnnieLobeseder · 27/04/2014 19:57

I think you sound incredibly selfish, tbh. Of course you want your children with you; you're a mother. But this isn't about you, is it? It's about your children, and you have no right to deprive them of a fair and equal relationship with their father. He has just as much right to spend with his children as you do. Stop thinking about what you want and do what's genuinely best for your children. All your "reasons" for saying they shouldn't live with him don't really stand up to scrutiny.

ikeaismylocal · 27/04/2014 20:02

YANBU to want your children with you, I would imagine most parents would want their children with them all the time but YABU to expect to be able to have your children all the time as they have 2 parents and each parent deserves to have equal time with the children.

Do you use babysitters/childcare when the children are with you? If so you have no right to say you don't want their grandma looking after them whilst their dad works.

I always gave up my room to visiting relatives when I was a child, I slept on the sofa but if a relative lived very close I would have stayed there is it was an option.

theywillgrowup · 27/04/2014 20:07

op,your post is not very clear im afraid

how many days do you have them?

why now do you think you should be resident parent?

why should he be paying,cant really make the thread out

oh and i have mental health problems,single parent to 3,no dad about for them, does that mean they shouldnt live with me and put them in care then

theywillgrowup · 27/04/2014 20:14

this has annoyed me actually

why should somebody with mental health problems not be able to parent full time

why does it bother you op now and not months and months ago

i think its great that the grandma is there for them also,theres more to this than whats been stated i think

PortofinoRevisited · 27/04/2014 20:37

Indeed - if for example, you were taking anti-depressants etc, would ypu consider this a reason that the children should not be with you? You need to give more information.

SpiderNugent · 27/04/2014 20:47

why shouldnt their dad look after them 50% of the time

you might want them full time, but i want to be 8 stone and thats not gonna happen either

what if he decided sod it, im having them full time, he is just as entitled to say that as you are

PortofinoRevisited · 27/04/2014 22:25

Spider - are you disgruntled bloke by any chance?

Redtartanshoes · 27/04/2014 22:30

I love the way that he isn't supposed to leave him with his mother, the dc's grandma, but it's ok for you to punt them into childcare..

Two faced? Much?

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 22:32

YABVU.

They are his kids too. He is their parent too. His house is their home too. If you are allowed to have them in childcare on your time while you are at work then he is allowed to have them in childcare (his mum) on his time too. If they should come to you while he is at work then they should go to him while you are at work. If he has mental health problems then it is good that he has support from his mum.

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 22:33

why would you think that, porto Apart from anything else it's rare that a man wants to be 8 stone.

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 22:35

Also I see that it is a minus point against him that when they have relatives to stay you get to have them more and also a minus point against him that you don't get to have them more when he is at work.

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