to not hang out with certain friends because it makes my depression worse?

[DiamondThread]

I have a friend who is getting married (most of my group are with long term partners) and all she talks about is her wedding plans and new house.

My other friend (in the same friendship group) I asked her if she would like to go out for a drink in a couple of weeks, she was very reluctant and said yes but I'm not single now. This was after one date she said this to me (they are now a couple). It makes me feel sad that she only went out with me because I'm single and now she has a boyfriend shes dropped me.

The friend who talks about her wedding and house, the last time we went out she stated she couldn't believe she was the one getting married next and wished that 5 years ago we'd have said what we thought everyone would be doing etc.

I feel like in the last 5 years nothing has changed in my life. I went home that night and literally cried myself to sleep.

I know I will never get married or be with someone. Especially the way I feel about myself - if I can't love myself, then no-one else can either. I'm not a confident person and confidence is obviously a very attractive quality.

I just feel I can't tell my friends how they make me feel because then they would feel like they can't talk about weddings/partners etc and I would never want them to feel like they have to tiptoe around me.

Aibu to just distance myself and work on myself? Even if this means I am a complete loner.

If it is what you feel,is best for you right now, then I would say yes. Do you have any friends whose company makes you feel better, though? I have depression, and I know that spending time with the friends who make me happy is central to making myself feel better/stopping me from feeling worse - if that makes sense?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself ( in the nicest possible way) and don't hang out with people who make you feel negative.

Ok. Did not read the depression bit in the header!

So you can't stop how you feel.

I would say, no need for big decisions ( to NEVER see them again) , just decide on the day if you fancy seeing them.

No need to burn your bridges :)

to OP. Please don't feel like you will never get married. Also, your friend who can't spend time with you because she "isn't single" sounds really fucking weird IMO.
Are there any local depression support groups you could join? Is there anything you enjoy doing that could be a way to meet new friends? I know this is hard when you have depression but it sounds like it would be helpful for you to make a new group of friends. It doesn't have to be wither hang out with the friends you have now (who make you miserable) or don't hang out with anyone.

Fiscal I realize you are probably trying to be helpful, but "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" is not a helpful thing to say to someone with depression.

sorry Fiscal just saw your, update x-posted

Hmm I'm wondering this right now. I have friends who although very nice are quite competitive, and due to the stage we are at in our lives talk a lot about houses etc which makes me anxious as I'm the 'poor' friend and worry that they must secretly look down on me a little. I'm avoiding them at the moment and it may become permanent. I also have depression and also think that spending time with people who make you feel good is key.

Maybe just see them less? You may get to a point where you feel stronger and more able to have a relationship with people. It's natural that your friends want to talk about those things - it's also natural that you compare yourself to them as we all do it. It can be quite painful I know x

Ps there is no reason why you won't get married. I second Euro on seeing if there is a local support group for people with depression. I went to group therapy and it helped a lot. You need to start doing nice things for yourself on a regular basis, join a class or start a new hobby. I read a lot and do a little baking and gardening. You deserve to be happy x

Diamond, I think there are a lot of things going on here.

First up, yes, if you have an illness, it's absolutely fine to prioritise resolving that illness than going out with your friends.

What are you doing with regards to the depression? How long has it been going on? If you've been on antidepressants but haven't had that reviewed for a while, you might want to think about getting that done. If you're newly on medication, you need to wait a while for them to bed down. In either case, make regular appointments with your GP so that you can both monitor what's happening.

Are you getting counselling too? That is something else you might want to consider.

I'm a bit baffled by your friend saying 'I'm not single now.' That's odd behaviour. Does being in a relationship give you a complete personality transplant or something? Anyhow, that weirdness aside, do prioritise you.

If they are good friends, and you think you can stand it, it might be worth saying to them that you're struggling with depression at the moment.

Again, it totally depends on the characters involved. If they are good friends and good people, they'll probably work out that they could be helping you a little bit, rather than living entirely wrapped up in their own lives.

Good luck with it all.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself

I try to be realistic.

Being self conscious and so hard on yourself is not an attractive quality. I know I need to make changes to my own life and self and hopefully make myself more happy.

But hanging out with people where I'll naturally compare myself to them and feel worse isn't going to help me makes changes.

I think of suicide more than is normal. If I could click my fingers and remove depression and stop feeling sorry for myself I would, but unfortunately it's not that easy.

My doctor offered me anti-depressants but she and I agreed it was maybe not the best route - because it hasn't addressed the issue of why I have it.

She gave me the number of free local counselling and she said I should call and they would have a discussion with me and they would be able to see if it would help me.

That was 3 months ago and I still haven't call them because I feel stupid doing it because there's no trigger for the depression.

Now I feel even more stupid because I'm sat here crying at the feeling sorry for myself comment. This is why I've hid my illness from people because they will probably think that too.

Sorry, if someone else does comment I'll come back but right now I'm just feel so upset and emotional. Completely pathetic I know.

Thanks for the help though, I really appreciate all of you reaching out to me.

You have got yourself into a rut where you feel bad about yourself and your life. Sometimes your own mind can be your worst enemy and cause a vicious cycle of negativity that's so hard to break. Please go and see a therapist/counsellor. I have been in your sort of situation. I just felt I wasn't getting anywhere in life..everyone else was settling down etc and I didn't really know who I was. It was a tough time. I saw a therapist. It was great and helped me to start liking myself again. And (cliche but true)when I stopped caring about meeting someone - I did.

Yes - antidepressants don't get to the root of the problem - but they can enable you to carry on, whilst you find, and make use of, the help you need to heal. For me, they scraped me up off th bottom of the pit, and helped me survive, day to day, whilst I found, and did 2.5 years of group therapy. So don't rule them out altogether.

And have a huge hug from me - I know how a casual comment can hurt - even though Fiscal reposted as soon as she saw 'depression' in the title, and I am sure she had no intention of hurting you, that phrase has dug its little hook in, and it isn't easy to dig it out. But you can look at it clearly, and see it is a very small hook, and it wasn't meant to dig in and hurt you - and maybe that will lessen the sting.

Op you sound very similar to me. The fact that you feel undesirable is the depression talking.
I have started ad tablets and already I am feeling more positive and I am on dating sites again.
Ad might not be for everyone but I am also starting counselling which might be good for everyone. Ad give me a more positive outlook which may help me to change circumstances. Counselling may do the same.
Tbh I generally gel with people whose circumstances are similar to mine. It's normal.
I do gave married friends but they are not the smug types but more supportive and can see the positives in my situation. Try hobbies or talking to other mums etc.

Take no notice of the 'stop feeling sorry for yourself ' comment. That was a truly ignorant remark.

Diamond, I've been where you are, and it does feel sucky, but you need to get treatment for the illness that you have.

Hiding it isn't going to fix it.

There is a method 'fake it 'till you make it' which can sometimes help but it takes a long, long time and it's near impossible when you're already depressed. The illness screws with your brain and makes you think you're not making it, even when you are doing good things.

STDG is right here. Antidepressents can reduce some of the symptoms which will help you get back on track with the counselling and so forth. It's worth doing.

Anti-depressants may not treat the cause of the problem - but they do allow you to feel strong enough to address it in counselling. And sometimes there is no cause, you just need help from the anti-depressants to get right again.

At the moment the depression is making you stuck and preventing you from accessing the help - counselling or anti-depressants or both - to get better.

Anti-depressants are great at helping you put one foot in front of the other and take the action needed to get well - please see your GP again and have a rethink. It's been 3 months with no change because the depression has hold of you, give it a go.

BTW your friend who can't see you because she isn't single any more sounds like a knob.

I stopped being with friends who made my depression worse and i got rid of Facebook for the same reason - self preservation. Those friends who are true friends will help you through it but only if they know you need help. If they're still selfish after that, then you need to rethink your friends

But you can get through this!

I feel like in the last 5 years nothing has changed in my life.

Same here. You cant take it out on your friends for not being the same.

No not at all, I just think the way she was saying it was "look how great my life is" kind of way because another friend said something about it too, so I know it wasn't just my depression clouding my judgement.

Just thought it was a bit of a silly comment to make, and was said for people to reflect on their own life.

But wow seriously .... thanks everyone. I don't want to say I'm glad others feel the same as me because it's absolutely shit but its so good to know I'm not alone and people understand.

You have inspired me to stop crying - I now have a cup of tea and I'm about to start making a list of ways I'm going to improve my life. I'm already a member of a gym so tomorrow after work I'm going to go swimming ... stupid small step but it's something I guess.

Hi Diamond

Hope you are ok. I agree with what a lot of the other posters have said; perhaps it is a good idea to distance yourself from this group of friends for a while until you feel better about yourself and more able to cope. I am going through a very similar experience to you and am also finding it very hard. I often end up in tears and feeling hopeless after spending time with a particular group of friends. I have recently decided that the best thing for me is to distance myself from them. When I thought about it I realised that spending time with them made me feel soo much worse, I am already struggling and finding life extremely difficult so the last thing I need is too make it any harder.

Do you have others groups of friends or people you can spend time with who don't erode your confidence? It is hard to leave the "security" of the group of friends you have known for ages but sometimes it is the best thing. Think of it as a temporary measure though, don't do anything drastic, just be vague and organise other things to do with other people.

If you want to chat please IM me as I am in such a similar situation your post could have been mine.

Hi again I am a v slow typist so miles behind others posts.

Totally agree re exercise. I have really upped my exercise and has helped a lot. I run or swim most days now.

Seriously crap person I am for making you cry!

Sincere apologies.

Sometimes jollying someone along, a kick up the backside works, sometimes it is just pointless and crude...

Going for a walk regularly ( fresh air and exercise) are GREAT for feeling better