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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In wanting my own space?

18 replies

stolemyusername · 27/04/2014 03:42

Do your older DC respect your space?

We live in a reasonable sized house with plenty of communal areas, but I consider that my bedroom is private.

My older dd's don't seem to understand (or possibly care) that if I'm in my room I am actually looking for 5 minutes peace, and constantly barge in usually for reasons that aren't particularly important.

My DP and I were awake early on yesterday morning, and were being intimate when our dd2 barges in the room, we weren't dtd at that point but weren't far off (sorry tmi). DP wasn't impressed (and neither was I) as they stay up later these days, quite regularly after we've gone to bed on weekends and as we live in a single level house were not always comfortable doing it in the evenings.

This morning (different time zone), I was in bed after my DP had left for work, I've been up all night as my other DC has come down with a vomiting bug, I'm feeling pretty average myself now and was trying to catch up on some sleep myself while they were sleeping. Both dd's came into my room to ask questions like 'what can we have for breakfast' and 'can x come over this evening'.

Dd2 has also developed an annoying habit of going into my room and helping herself to my make up/hairbrush ect, it's driving me crazy as I hate the lack of respect (and that she's taking things that aren't hers but that's a whole other issue!)

I respect their space, I knock before I go into their rooms - how can I get them to respect mine and AIBU to want my own space?

OP posts:

ZingWatermelon · 27/04/2014 03:49

if they don't respect or accept that your bedroom is a private area can you put a lock or bolt on the door?

YANBU at all

Original poster

stolemyusername · 27/04/2014 03:54

Zing, the bedroom door locks from the inside. We didn't lock it yesterday as we hadn't gotten out of bed and it was really early and assumed that the rest of the house were still asleep!

DP wants to put a bolt/lock on the outside of the door also to keep them out while I'm not here, but I'd be concerned that the 7 year old would find it funny to lock me in also were in a rental so I'm not sure that would go down too well.

GAH, teenagers!

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Original poster

stolemyusername · 27/04/2014 03:54

*we're

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PrincessBabyCat · 27/04/2014 03:56

My parents were pretty clever. If we woke them up, we had to help them with chores around the house but if we were quietly watching tv when they got up or keeping ourselves entertained, they did them. If we bugged them, they'd give us chores to do or "remember" something that needed to be cleaned. We learned pretty quick not to bug them.

But my parents had a strict rule about staying out of their bedroom and knocking before coming in.

Can you lock your bedroom door to keep them out? How old are they? Can they survive on their own for a few hours while you nap?

Original poster

stolemyusername · 27/04/2014 04:01

Princess, my eldest is 15 so is perfectly capable of watching the youngest - it's more being ignored when I ask them to stay out!

They also wander in when they have nothing to say, they'll just walk in and say 'hey!' And just look at me like they're waiting for something (usually money).

I think I'm going to have to just lock the door when I'm in there.

OP posts:

Amy106 · 27/04/2014 04:30

YANBU. You and your dp really do need your own space and privacy and your dc need to respect that. Make sure you make this clear to the dc and the consequences for them coming into your bedroom without permission. Get a large do not disturb sign and lock the door anytime you are in the room. And lock up your makeup and hairbrushes in a drawer. Hopefully that will slow down the "borrowing". Good luck, OP! I know it's not easy.

ZingWatermelon · 27/04/2014 04:41

ok, how about remote controlled electric fence?

keeping them out is then the unsolved problem.
(you were too passionate to use lock last night, weren't you? )

can you put a bolt on high up? we did this on our kitchen door - if tall enough to reach old enough to understand!
or a "don't come in" sign?

The things is you are right about making them understand to just not go in.
I'm not sure if I have good advice, but will think about it.

Original poster

stolemyusername · 27/04/2014 04:48

Zing, the electric fence might just be the answer

OP posts:

Nandocushion · 27/04/2014 04:52

If you have a 15yo then the best thing might be to tell her straight that she's walking in on you and DP having sex. You could add a few unspeakable details if you like, tell her you especially like it in the morning, with toys, etc. If she's anything like I was as a teenager she will never enter your room ever again, for any reason, even if the rest of the house is on fire/underwater/has welcomed the apocalypse and your room is the only emergency exit.

Not sure what you can do about the 7yo though. The chores thing might work. Do other parents not just punish and take stuff away anymore? I take away screen time if they do things they have been told not to. It works for me. Doesn't anyone else do this?

sykadelic · 27/04/2014 06:20

I'm assuming they "forget" to stay out and you've tried telling them several times.

Why don't you remove their bedroom doors? or threaten to. It's pretty extreme but it will remind them how much they value their privacy and hopefully train them to remember that your privacy is also important.

Another suggestion is to have a "notes" whiteboard for them to write their questions so rather than nagging you, they can write stuff down. You'll need to remember yourself not to answer their questions (even when they say "so and so needs to know now!") and instead say, "write it on the board. I'll think about it". If you're being asked last minute, they can't expect an immediate answer.

It's a sad product of society that kids these days (and even many adults) expect instant gratification. So used to getting answers, or responses as soon as they ask, they have no patience anymore.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/04/2014 06:47

Why not a simple explanation of your expectations? I am studying at the moment and my two now that if my door is pulled to, not to disturb me unless there is blood or fire! I let them know when normal functions resume. I think it's important that they learn to respect your privacy but they won't do this without being told.

dietstartsmonday · 27/04/2014 06:51

i have just put a lock on my bedroom door for these reasons, mainly the borrowing of make up
i also started just walking into thier rooms, got told to knock and just replied oh didn't think we bothered any more they have got the hint i think

Original poster

stolemyusername · 27/04/2014 06:53

Mrspatrick, they have been told to stop doing it, it just seems that after a while they stop thinking it applies to them.

I'm going to make sure I lock the door when I'm in there and hide my make up - just feel like I shouldn't have to.

OP posts:

Original poster

stolemyusername · 27/04/2014 06:56

Dietstartsmonday, do you think I should start borrowing (and wearing) their clothes? I'm sure I could easily push them out of shape

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Original poster

stolemyusername · 27/04/2014 06:59

That's exactly the problem sykadelic, they're a bit like toddlers in that when they have a request they need an answer NOW.

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RedFocus · 27/04/2014 08:43

Yeah we knew not to go in my parents room in case they were at it! My kids barge in too so next weekend I'm buying a bolt so I can at least recover my knickers before I open the door

deepbluestars · 27/04/2014 08:50

I can see both sides actually.

For one thing I am assuming your partner isn't their dad. If he is a relatively recent addition to the house then they simply aren't really used to the concept of privacy. I like the earlier suggestion of telling the 15 year old: I wouldn't go into the details but ask for her help in encouraging the younger ones to keep out.

It's hard adjusting. On the face of it what you're asking isn't unreasonable but I came from a home where the top floor (three storey house) was cut off - it did have the message that I wasn't really welcome in my own home which probably makes no sense since as you say I had my own bedroom and the kitchen, lounge, dining area were communal.

Do you spend much time in your bedroom? It can feel a bit as of you're cutting yourself off of you do, I think. :)

dietstartsmonday · 06/05/2014 20:11

stile yes do it. i wore my daughters jeans the other day she was not happy and then said she must be fat if i fit in them

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