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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm a shit parent?

25 replies

PaintedLady2014 · 26/04/2014 21:14

I've re-registered I couldn't remember my old email when all this password re-set/hacking stuff happened. Semi-regular poster/reader etc

I have a 3 yr old DD who is very demanding (I know they all are). Whiny, defiant, fussy eater, refusing to potty train, difficult sleeper.

However, when she is with other people and at nursery she is a total angel! I feel like I'm doing it all wrong and it's making me feel pretty shit.

I try and be consistent, I won't back down if I've said no to something, me and DH back each other up, I don't know what else to do. It's so frustrating.

We've recently started having her stay over at people's houses as it's only recently become an option. I was worried she'd be so hard to settle etc but once I was gone she was an absolute dream apparently (I now have two friends who would happily have her overnight whenever I like - I have possible upcoming work opportunities at night so it needed to be something we could do). Literally the moment we walk in the door to go and get her she starts being a pain again.

I know a certain amount of this is normal, but she even did a poo on the toilet at my friend's house last night and she has never even sat on the toilet at home!

I'm trying my best, DH does too (I know it's a partnership, I just tend to beat myself up more), please tell me other people have this as well so I don't feel so lousy about it. Or, any advice on how to deal with it would be appreciated.

OP posts:
JustAboutAdeqeuate · 26/04/2014 21:22

YABU to think you're a shit parent! This is totally normal - you've taught her to behave, she's capable of behaving and does so out of the home, this is because of your parenting. Its just that when she's with you, she knows she can relax a bit, stop trying so hard to be good (its tiring when you're three) and you'll still love her even though she's been playing up. No real advice on how to improve her behaviour at home, but rest assured you're not shit, she's a normal, secure three year old.

petalsandstars · 26/04/2014 21:23

Following- my DD1 is the same age and I am very shouty atm. Doesn't do as she's told - basic things like don't climb on furniture after falling off and whacking head on floor - does it again harder 20 minutes later Sad

Also refuses to toilet or potty train - despite having had goes before bath before.

Original poster
PaintedLady2014 · 26/04/2014 21:29

Yes petalsandstars - that is EXACTLY it!

Thanks JustAboutAdequate - There is part of me that feels proud when I get glowing reports back. She does very well at nursery, is bright and friendly and is never spiteful....

But that pride doesn't last long when I'm tearing my hair out with frustration because she will NOT understand that no she CAN NOT have 500 tube yoghurts before dinner.....oh and they MUST be pink.....or there will be fire and brimstone involved....

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 21:39

IMO you have a parenting success, it's supposed to be that way round Smile

She feels comfortable to test the boundaries and different emotions out on you, and her behaving for other people shows she's getting whatever behaviour you're encouraging.

Original poster
PaintedLady2014 · 26/04/2014 21:51

You have no idea how nice it is to hear that...

Now....advice on how to cope at home that doesn't involve wine?

I have "this is a phase" stuck on loop in my head

OP posts:
UnderthePalms · 26/04/2014 21:51

I'm sure you're not a crap parent. Only book I've ever found useful for improving behaviour is Divas and Dictators by Charlie Taylor. It's quite an easy read, not a massive chore to plough through. Not sure if that might be of interest?

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 22:01

'Now....advice on how to cope at home that doesn't involve wine?'

Anyone claiming to know how to do that plainly uses a much worse vice than wine to get them through Wink

HauntedNoddyCar · 26/04/2014 22:04

I always took it to be that they test the boundaries where they are most secure. Ergo she knows you'll still love her so she can act up. Other people might walk away so she has to keep them sweet.

DO take it as a success :)

Nanny0gg · 26/04/2014 22:05

Do incentives work?

A sticker chart with small rewards after so many stickers?
Used in conjunction with 1-2-3-Magic which is a book I feel talks a lot of sense.

Original poster
PaintedLady2014 · 26/04/2014 22:09

I might try that actually Nanny0gg. I thought about it a while ago but didn't think she could get her head around it, she might be able to now.

I tried the whole naughty step thing but I think she finds that funny and I don't really like it. I will withhold things if they are causing bad behaviour, and give her a time out if she hypes herself up into a massive tantrum. I don't see the point in arguing with a tantrumming toddler....I don't think they are listening to you.

OP posts:
MrsGeorgeMichael · 26/04/2014 22:10

I experienced this the other day - are you the other mum OP :)

My DC had a friend over to play. Friend was a real pleasure to have.

As soon as she seen her mum she went into this melt down / whinge - was the total opposite of what i had experienced all day

other mum says she does that all the time - only acts up around her

its an age thing - they grow out of it about 5 in my experience

[2 more years to go for this phase emotion - sorry]

SaucyJack · 26/04/2014 22:26

CAN NOT have 500 tube yoghurts before dinner.....oh and they MUST be pink.....

This is beside the point, but in Tesco they do whole packs of PINK Disney Princess squeezy yoghurts if you've got a girly girl who only likes a couple of the Frube designs (as do I)

BoredHorse · 26/04/2014 22:29

I've been feeling exactly like this too with my 2.5 year old. I feel so shouty at times, she is always so whiny for me. She is looked after by her grandparents whilst I work for 3 days a week and they always say she is as good as gold!
I'm glad to hear this isn't uncommon!

softlysoftly · 26/04/2014 22:35

YABU you are a normal parent who has brought up a girl who can behave impeccably.

I also screamed at DH I was a shit parent today for the exact same thing! DD1 is 4 perfect at preschool, a joy for others. And a total argumentative pita for me!

"Yes but" "its not fair" "no No NO"

doesn't matter that she gets herself in more trouble, or put in her room or screamed at when I totally lose my rag. Doesn't matter that we never give in. She does not care!

So no advice but some definite hand holding.

Feel bad now on the flipside she's a lovely clever amazing little madam.

Original poster
PaintedLady2014 · 26/04/2014 23:37

Thank-you so much lovelies, it's so nice to hear Grin

The worst one is when we have try and have a joke with her. CBeebies drives us insane so sometimes we make up words to the songs to amuse ourselves. If we try and sing "Salty Dog and Cheese!" we're met with NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It's SALTY DOG AND KNEE!!!

Well I'm sure she isn't spelling it like that in her head....

She also does not accept the fact that I am not somehow able to control the weather and make it snow or be sunny on a whim...

OP posts:
UnderthePalms · 26/04/2014 23:41

Do you find that when you look out for good behaviour to praise that it improves her behaviour? I find that works as well as reward charts to try to improve something I'm having a problem with.

BolshierAyraStark · 26/04/2014 23:41

Don't be daft, of course you're not a shit parent-you're simply a parent Wink
They are little people sent to test the patience of saints, it really is that straight forward.

Original poster
PaintedLady2014 · 26/04/2014 23:46

We are very praise-y of good behaviour UnderThePalms - I like to think in my head I'm more of a "ignore negative, praise positive" type person...but it's very tiring. She loves pleasing people and gets very happy when she does something right, or works out something for herself....doesn't stop her from flouncing and moaning "I caaaan't dooooo iiiiiiiiiiiit!!!" whilst waiving a half be-footed shoe in the air at me...

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 26/04/2014 23:54

Perhaps she just likes your reaction.

I found DS enjoys pushing my buttons, so I now ignore bad behaviour and react to good behaviour.

Original poster
PaintedLady2014 · 26/04/2014 23:57

That's exactly what it is ICanSeeTheSun - How do you do it? I try to ignore but it's SO HARD!

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 27/04/2014 00:09

Yabu!

You don't sound like a bad parent at all. Be nicer to yourself.

starlight1234 · 27/04/2014 00:13

Oh this was me when my Ds was at nursery..Every few months he would test those boundries with me...I would walk into nursery and his behaviour started.... I felt like the worlds worst mother...

For reference my Ds is 7 and a generally good boy..not an complete angel everywhere and I still get the worst but I am very proud of him

My Ds works really well with praise, At this age they are unable to differentiate between positive and negative reinforcement it is just reinforcement.

Original poster
PaintedLady2014 · 27/04/2014 00:25

That's interesting starlight1234 I didn't know that. The food thing really gets me down....her diet is terrible, and ours is really good so it's not because we don't lead by example. I think she has a texture issue....which I know I do with food. She point blank refuses to try fruit or any cold raw veggies (salad etc). She's the same with everyone for that.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 27/04/2014 00:33

With great difficulty. Every few day I end up losing it.

Original poster
PaintedLady2014 · 27/04/2014 00:37

Aw damn....and there was me thinking you had some magical answer Grin

OP posts:
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