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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell me DS that someone has died

25 replies

hippoherostandinghere · 26/04/2014 19:41

DH thinks im very unreasonable, I do not. DS is 5. He's a sensitive type and thinks deeply about things. Today I took a phonecall from my Childminder to say her BIL had died and she wouldn't be available. DS heard me on the phone and asked afterwards what had a happened. I explained that CM BIL had died. he asked me what age he was, I told him and that was the end of the conversation. He didnt mention it again until DH came home from work when he said 'guess what, x's brother died'.

Cue massive disgust from DH that I dare tell Ds and how I shouldn't tell him these things because he's a worrier.

I believe it's better to be honest, death is a part of life and he needs to be able to talk about it. I told Ds before about 2 boys he knows Daddies that died and DH reacted the same. He totally believes I should never tell him. He has mentioned the deaths a few times but never in a distressed way and he does show any fear about us dying so it doesn't seem to have affected him too deeply. So who is BU?

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 26/04/2014 19:43

YANBU, I think your DH is.
I think not answering your DS's question would have been dishonest and much more potentially damaging than just answering honestly, but age-appropriate.

We all die.
Sad things happen.
We have to gently prepare our children for this.

I think as a society was have become much to squeamish about death.

Waltonswatcher1 · 26/04/2014 19:44

It's a fine line , every child is different .
My own Ds has anxieties and tic disorder . I have to be careful to filter things and answer his concerns carefully . I think you and Dh are both right ; there's middle ground here though .

Marylou62 · 26/04/2014 19:46

I agree with Pacific. He would have found out anyway..next time at CM, people talking. Maybe DH has issues with something that happened to him? Honesty is the best policy.

addictedtosugar · 26/04/2014 19:48

I agree with your approach.

Just wrote a missive, but going to delete it. DS1, nearly 5, is well aware animals die to make food, insects die, people die. Its part of life.
He's been inquisitive about it, but not in a distressed way.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 19:48

He's just trying to shield him from one of the harshest things in life, totally understandable.

YANBU though, much better to talk openly about it, and children are always fascinated by death.

What kind of age has he got in mind for getting your DS used to what happens? Doesn't he think anyone else will bring it up at school/family etc? Is this something rooted in something he experienced?

OddBoots · 26/04/2014 19:48

I'd have done the same in your position, I think it's easier for children to learn what death is when it happens to someone they don't know than for their first experience to be a loved one.

PacificDogwood · 26/04/2014 19:50

Oh, I agree, what exactly you say and how you say it depends greatly on the individual child.

I have a deep-thinking 11 year old and we are currently dealing with "Where was I before I was born?" and "Where will I go when I die?" and "Why do we (humans) not like pain when it's just a feeling?" and "Why do people need to die?"
Sigh.
My brain hurts.

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 19:50

I think though that you have to come to a compromise with him as to how you're going to deal with the subject, because even though I think he's wrong to never talk about it, his opinion still has to count as your DSs dad.

Original poster

hippoherostandinghere · 26/04/2014 19:51

Walton ds is quite an anxious child and I just googled Tic disorder because I hadn't heard that phrase before. Alot of it rang true with Ds. He has this verbal noise where he is constantly clearing his throat. He does it all day. Before that he always had his fingers crossed. Is that the same sort of symptoms?

OP posts:

Original poster

hippoherostandinghere · 26/04/2014 19:53

I'm not sure if DH has a reason for this. His GPs died when he was about 9 or 10 but I'm sure he was aware. He just wants to protect him from anything that make him uncomfortable because he's a worrier.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 26/04/2014 19:57

They are some great questions Pacific, especially the pain one.

My 13 YO was asking about the mass suicide of the heavens gate cult members while I was painting the ceiling today and couldn't escape/evade

Goldmandra · 26/04/2014 20:13

He just wants to protect him from anything that make him uncomfortable because he's a worrier.

He may have good intentions but he's going about this the wrong way.

If you try to hide things from children they catch on and then worry far more. If you hadn't told him the truth he probably would have worried far more than he would having heard the truth.

By hiding death from children and making it taboo we can make far more frightening. Death is a part of life and children need to be aware of us dealing with it in order to see that we cope and how we do it.

I have two very anxious children one of whom is medicated for it and the biggest lesson I have learned is to be open and honest, answering the questions they are asking without offering much more otherwise they stop trusting you and worry 100 times more.

PortofinoRevisited · 26/04/2014 20:19

People die all the time - in the family, on the news etc. You have to treat it as part of life. You can't hide it away once they reach a certain age. You have to try to explain. It is horrible but one of those things that needs tobe done.

Original poster

hippoherostandinghere · 26/04/2014 20:29

Gold that's the way I see it. I want him to trust us, and to know that we will tell him the truth if he asks us something.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 26/04/2014 22:44

Gold that's the way I see it. I want him to trust us, and to know that we will tell him the truth if he asks us something.

It's really important, especially with an anxious child who will make up their own version of events which would be far worse than the truth they hadn't been told.

backwardpossom · 26/04/2014 22:49

I can understand your DH wanting to protect DS, but I think YANBU. My DS is almost 5 and he is fascinated by death, not in an anxious way, but he wants to know what happens and why etc. Death is a part of life, and I think it's important to discuss it with DCs. Also, I think shielding them from it doesn't give them enough credit.

Icimoi · 26/04/2014 23:54

I don't see how you can possibly shield ds from the knowledge that people die, and it's actually easier to deal with if it's someone he doesn't know, or doesn't know well. At my dc's school a teaching assistant who worked in Reception died suddenly. There was no way they could have concealed the facts, and they didn't - in fact they handled it quite sensitively - but obviously there were a few children who knew her well who were quite upset. The point is you never know when something like that might happen, so it's better if they've grown up knowing about death.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 27/04/2014 00:18

I think it is best to be open, but reassuring.

I am undergoing treatment for cancer. My DDs, aged 10 & 11 are aware i have cancer, and have a high level understanding of my treatment. They were with me during a radiotherapy appt on Fri, and hospital technician brought them into the treatment room and explained how the machine works.

That said, neither of my children have anxiety issues, and I think it is important to consider how information is presented to them. But I do really think they are better off knowing what's happening.

In my case,my DDs would be a lot more worried if we weren't open right them. Kids are generally very resilient to bad news, so long it is presented thoughtfully.

AvoidingEasterDIY · 27/04/2014 00:30

I agree with your POV. Your DH obviously means well, but it's not going to do your DS any good in the long run. Little bits of life's harsh realities are easier to deal with and children gain understanding of life death that way - also empathy/compassion/sensitivity develop when given the chance.

Then yes, there's the trust issue. If you had told him an untruth then he found out the truth when he was next there (he's bound to hear someone talking about it - either her on the phone or another mindee etc) then of course it's going to worry him that you aren't honest with him... and what else aren't you telling him.

I recently had to explain what 'taking your own life' meant and why a 15 year old might do that - to a 5 year old who is a 'worrier'. Fortunately, for us, it was news item that the wee one heard and not a friend or relative, but it was still hard to explain - but each and every thing like that prepares them for life, you can't shy away from it, it's part of life... we lit a candle for the young girl and her family.

AvoidingEasterDIY · 27/04/2014 00:32

MomOfTwo - I am so sorry to hear you are going through that. I hope your treatment will be finished soon and that you get the all clear x

SoFetch · 27/04/2014 00:36

My 5 YO has, unfortunately, experienced a few deaths of close family members in her life. She often asks questions about death, why it happens, where we go when we die, etc. and I try to be as honest as possible.

We live. We die. I wouldn't want to sugar coat it as I think it would be more difficult to deal with close deaths if we don't understand them.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 27/04/2014 00:41

Thanks AvoidingEaster

MexicanSpringtime · 27/04/2014 00:53

I don't think they understand the concept of death before a certain age.
When my daughter was five her beloved cat got sick and I told her it might die and she just said that's ok we can get another one. I made me worry, I tell you.

But at an older age the same child started to wonder and worry about death.

Still death is part of life, you can't pretend it doesn't exist.

Delphiniumsblue · 27/04/2014 06:53

Children are very interested in the subject, it is adults who have difficulty with it and make it a taboo subject. Just answer questions honestly in a matter of fact way. It is one sure thing- we will all die one day.
It is much easier for a child to come through this slowly, as in this case a man he has never met, than suddenly be confronted with his father or best friend etc dying.

Waltonswatcher1 · 27/04/2014 08:07

Yes hiper
My son has movements in his shoulders that he can't control - sometimes his neck and hips . He lines up his vision with his nose which creates weird head movements. He taps his feet rhythmically . He has to have his hair a certain way ; takes. 20 mins to style and causes huge stress.
The list goes on !
He was always an anxious baby with all the usual issues - late talker then stuttered. Struggled to chew ( still does). Fear of mechanical noises - vacuum ,hand dryer etc . Fear of locked doors . And on and on .
We have lost three close friends and two granddads in one year . My husband had a stroke and my dd was born with severe allergies that left her fighting for her life . It was all too much for Ds .
This is why I am careful to communicate the macabre details of life to him . Yes they have to learn to live with the facts of life but , sometimes it can be misery overload .
My Ds needs to learn to trust the world again - a horrible lesson at 11.

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