selfish?

[Dieu]

Hello everyone. Hope you're all having a good weekend.
Well, I think my mum is being a tad selfish here, but this site always gives me an improved sense of perspective, so it will be useful to hear what you have to say. Thanks in advance for reading & replying.

My marriage recently ended and my children and I will be moving home this summer. The flat we're moving to is in a great area (every cloud!), and you need to pay to park there. Residents can get a permit and it is free for all at weekends - it's only during the week that you have to pay.
My mum was apparently on the phone to my sister the other day, saying "oh, I don't know what I'm going to do when Dieu moves house, and I'll have to pay for parking when I visit".
Now mumsnetters, if my mother was a frequent visitor, I would be bending over backwards to think of a solution to this. She lives an hour away, is only in her 50s, drives, and visits maybe twice a year (and at the moment we have a perfectly cost free driveway, which she seldom uses!).
I think she will use the parking as an excuse not to come visit, which saddens me a bit. We always get on well whenever she comes and my daughters love her to bits. They are also delightful to be around, for the most part, so I don't understand it. Maybe she's just getting too old too young, and is becoming a bit set in her ways.
The other thing is that she has got involved with a dog rescue charity, which I think is WONDERFUL for mum. The kids and I went through to where she lives the other weekend, to support her at a fundraising event her charity was present at. I think it's great and very worthwhile. She has taken in a rescue Staffie (a lovely dog, but MASSIVE) and has made great progress with the dog. Again, I reiterate that this is a fantastic thing for mum. But again, she uses the dog as an excuse not to come visit. She hasn't been round once since my husband and I separated, has provided good telephone support, but none practical.

I just feel so annoyed that she is moaning about the parking. How on earth does she justify this in her head when she hardly ever visits anyway?!

Is there any chance your sister could be stirring?

No, woo woo. Definitely not. It is very typical of our mum to think this way (not a bad person by any means, just a bit mean spirited on occasion) so it didn't come as a huge surprise.

Are we twins?

My own mum is a perfectly fit and healthy 74 year old.

She will not come and stay with us, using my DSis's dog as an excuse. DSis works and got the dog on the basis that DM would dogsit while she is at work.

My DSis has three sons. One of those has only just left full time education and the other two work shifts. They could manage the dog if they had to. They have said as much! Both to me and my DM.

She still cannot visit because she 'has to' look after the quite sweet really fucking dog.

She could even make it on the bus in a day, as I have done to visit her.

No, she has to be there for the adorably cute fucking dog!

Bonkers, isn't it? Last time my mum did come through, it was to coincide taking the dog to a nearby vet. I treated mum to a nice lunch out while the kids were at school, and they were excited at seeing her on getting out. she didn't get to see them as the dog started getting stressed at the vet's and she had to dash off. Och, that's understandable I suppose. I am really trying not to be unreasonable!
Your mum has a good 20 years on mine, Mamma. Is it that she is nervous driving?

She has never driven, but it is easy enough on buses. She even refuses for DP to go and get her.

My DD is getting married in June and the worry over who is going to look after the dog has already started. Mainly DM, rather than DSis doing the fretting.

If she only visits twice a year she IBU if she uses the parking fee as an excuse not to come. Could she come on the train instead so she wouldn't have to park? Or could you offer to pay half/all just to take that excuse away? Not that I think you should have to, just trying to think of some possible solutions.

Thanks SBFW. This new flat means the world to me, as it's the silver lining after a difficult period, so I guess it's her negative attitude from the start that has got to me. I've always been very independent and never needy in any way, I should add.
She looks after my sister's three boys every second Wednesday. Thank goodness my sister's street has free parking! ;o)

Hmm, I should really examine why I feel so wound up over this. There is probably more to it than just the parking or dog, and I probably do harbour feelings of resentment over her distant ways and lack of effort. Will need to work on this!

Glad I haven't got the only self centred parent who refuses to visit!! And I only live 6 miles from her!!

My mum did go one better though, she asked at work tonot work weekends when contract were changed a few years ago as "all her ffamily live away from her town" - i was living in South Kent at the time, dsis in Birmingham and Gp's in London and Dm and df live nr Sheffield. She got her request and never works weekends. She visits my sister a lot but never once came to see me or her own Dm. I moved to nearer my parents due to work a few years ago and despite living less than a half hour drive she never comes to visit. Now I have dd she expects me to always go there (she smokes like a chimney so i hate it and try not to go) I go when it suits me but am resentful that she will not get off her arse and drive to me!

My maternity pay ends this week so I will have no money for the car so she will either have to come to me or not see dd! Dp will put fuel in car but I don't see why he should always do it when she works a few hours in amorning and ccould easily cone to me

Ironic thing is that my mother criticises her own mother (my grandmother, in her 80s) for not visiting! I would hate to be so blind to my own foibles when I'm older.

Well, I can go one up on that. PIL are a 10 minute drive away, or a 30 minute walk on a popular hiking trail away from us. Both are fit and have always enjoyed hiking.

They haven't been to our place for 5 years because 'our cars can't handle the road'...

When an excuse is that bad, you just have to accept that someone has no desire to come and see you and is just reaching.

It really hurts though, doesn't it, when you think that someone would rather just not see your children than put themselves out in any way. Particularly when that someone is someone your dc love.

My own GM is long dead, but could you not point out the differences?

To those of you who have blatent favouritism of pne sibling or obviously ridiculous reasons for not seeing you - do you ever have it out with the offending parent and rejected the shit reason offered?

maddening I have, and maybe I felt a little better for getting it off my chest, but it didn't make the slightest bit of difference to their behaviour.

I didn't actually say anything to my (now dead) mother - she said it to me without prompting. She basically told me that she knew it wasn't fair on me the was that she and my father favoured my sister, but that she always felt as though my sister would die young and that my turn would come later. I couldn't really argue with that sort of crazy reasoning, and since my mother is now dead it's too late. Part of me sometimes wishes I'd told her to fuck off at the time though.

I did let my father know that I'd had enough of him favouring my sister last year, after he changed his mind about looking after DS1 for me when I was due to have DS2. My sister decided to visit him right around my due date, and according to my dad her holiday was a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' for him to see her and her DDs at his house. He visits them 4-8 times a year, staying 1-2 months at a time. We see him for a few hours 2 or 3 times a year at most. So, my sister's holiday was more important to him than his prior commitment to me, and after a horrible, high risk pregnancy, 2 MCs, far more important than his new grandson.

I (with the help of my pregnancy hormones) let him have it. He basically denied it, said the 'once in a lifetime opportunity' bit, and has pretended it never happened ever since.

I don't believe he will ever change.

maddening yes and deaf ears cones to mind!! Although after a rather traumatic phone call with my gran (dp's mum) I did speak to my df and pointed out a few home truths in respect to when his mum was alive him and Dm went down every 6 weeks on a rota with his siblings to help out with things and that is was morethan a bit off that now dms mum is ill the same courtesy has not been extended to her and all the graft is being left to me and my aunt. My parents are bookedto go to my ggrad's next weekend for the first time in 3 years so hopefully a turning point

Oh, my mother is like this too. We're you the one who moved away? I moved away from my home town and my mother has never forgiven me. She also feels that she should not have to visit because I decided to move away, although has never actually admitted this. Various excuses have included having to do the washing at the weekend, the dogs, the cost of petrol and she does not feel welcome at our house. I have a baby now and she wants us to make a 250 mile journey to see her every 3 weeks. She's taken early retirement and does nothing all week. I am going back to work full time soon. You have my sympathy OP!

Yes, we (dh, rather) did.

Now we have even less of a relationship.

OTOH, we now feel absolved of any obligation to lift a finger for them in their own age.