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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move area?

21 replies

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 18:14

I have NC as this would out me.

My ex lives about 5 minutes away from DD and I. He doesn't see DD and hasn't for some time. He isn't a very nice person and I actively try to avoid places he may be in our area.

I have been thinking about moving area for a while and have finally decided to bite the bullet and go for it. I want to do it before DD starts her 2nd year at school nursery so she will have a year at nursery with the kids she will go into primary 1 with. This would mean that I will be giving myself a year to save and find the right place for us to live.

My parents aren't over the moon about it because we currently live quite close to them and see them a lot but (I think) they understand why I want to do it and they do support me.

I told my daughters other Gran today and she is not happy. Said that it is selfish to uproot DD, that it means she won't be able to see her as often (only once about every 3 weeks as it is at the moment and she also lives 5 minutes away), that it's selfish to move her son's DD out of the area because he then won't be able to see her (as said above he doesn't see her anyway). When I mentioned the last part she said he would probably want to see her at some point and that by moving I was deliberately obstructing it (not even going to start my opinions on that beauty as I wouldn't stop)

Now I would like to point out I am planning on moving about 25 minutes away driving distance, would be a lot longer on public transport due to it not being on a direct route from where I live now to where I am planning on moving to. I am currently a couple of months off sitting my driving test and will hopefully pass but if not will continue with lessons and then re-sit and continue to do so until I pass. I am seriously hoping that I will be long passed by the time moving come around and have said that I would be happy to do turn about on visits providing ex wasn't around when we visited her house so this means her driving a total of 25 minutes once every 6 weeks.

Now I really thought I was not being unreasonable here but after she left I spoke to a friend and she has said that she can see where she is coming from. I really really can't.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 18:16

Just checked the actual distance and we are talking 14 miles away.

OP posts:

TiaDalma · 26/04/2014 18:25

Yanbu, it's not as though you're moving to another country.
Sorry not got much advice to give, but personally I wouldn't give it another thought. Surely if it was that unreasonable then your parents would be reacting the same way, especially (assuming) your dp's are closer to your dd?
Good look with the move and your driving test

AlpacaLypse · 26/04/2014 18:28

yanbu. Your dd's gran is (understandably) a bit biased. If your dd's dad wants to see her, 14 miles is nothing.

mummytime · 26/04/2014 18:31

Contact is for the benefit of the child not the parent. Would it benefit your child to have contact with her father?
My DC only see their grandfather every 3 to 6 months, we live about 150 miles away.

What are the pros to the new area?
Is your friend also worried she will see less of you? Is it her emotional response?

Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 18:37

Yes a million times closer. My Dad had a bit a melt down moment with every reason I shouldn't move when I first told them but has since realised that we aren't planning a move to Timbuktu

I would actually understand my parents being a bit more bothered by it than they are because they often pop in for a coffee randomly and they will miss that little bit of extra time they get with DD but they do both realise that they will still see us both all the time.

I also explained to them that I haven't jumped into the decision, I have been thinking about it for about 8 months and am not planning to move until next summer so over a year away. I will also be 27 at that point and I want to restart my life. At the moment I am surrounded by people (neighbours too) that know my ex and although I'm sure we're not high up there in the gossip stakes if I were to get a boyfriend I would place money he would know within the hour. I am fed up of wondering and worrying about bumping into him and it does concern me that if we stay he will know what school DD is at and that it is literally 2 minutes away from where he lives.

I guess what I am trying to say is there are many contributing factors in wanting to move and I don't want to change my plans to fit in with what other people think I should do but if I was told I was being completely unreasonable I would re-think it.

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LtEveDallas · 26/04/2014 18:38

Oh please. When DH and his ex split up she moved 200 miles away. He saw DD every weekend for the first year, then every other weekend and all school holidays the second year. He made all the effort, did all the travelling - because he WANTED to see his daughter.

OP, if her dad WANTS to see her, he will. If her Gran WANTS to see her, she will. This is not your problem, 14 miles is a bloody spit in the ocean. They are trying to make you feel guilty, don't let it work.

Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 18:47

It wouldn't benefit DD to see her Dad the way he is at the moment no. He is amongst other things an abusive alcoholic.

I have tried several times previously to encourage and even aid with contact. Had him in my house, taken her to his house. The contact was always supervised (by supervised I mean I was in the house not necessarily the room) but there was a view to it moving to being supervised by his Mum but through various reasons it has always stopped after about 7 or 8 weeks.

I can't say he will never have contact again because I don't know what the future will bring but due to the verbal abuse and aggression shown on the last visit and over the phone, text messages and in passing on the street on one occasion I would not be willing to facilitate the contact and he would need to go through the proper channels if he ever wanted contact. Like I said I can't say never but I can't see it happening.

The pros of the new place are it's a very good place for family's, great schools, great location to hit various parts of the city for different things to do, it's also a bit closer to other family I have so could maybe visit them a bit more. It's a nice quiet little town and I really do think we could be happy there. I love where I stay but I just don't feel settled for the various reasons above and just want a place that I can call home and feel happy going to the shops without looking over my shoulder all the time.

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Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 18:48

Oh and sorry forgot about the part to do with my friend. It could be because I'm moving further away from her I'm not sure. I'll speak to her again about it next time I see her.

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Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/04/2014 18:52

14 miles is nothing! YANBU. You need to think about what's best for your DD and you.

Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 18:53

See Lt that was what I thought too. It was only because I had what ExMil said, my friend and then the fact my parents who weren't thrilled albeit for very different reasons from the other two that I was actually beginning to think I was overlooking something.

Thanks for all the responses.

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Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 18:57

Thanks Pobble.

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WooWooOwl · 26/04/2014 19:35

As your ex doesn't see your dd, YANBU. Ignore your ex's mum, she's biased.

Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 19:36

As an afterthought should I raise this with ExMil again? I'm thinking to just leave it until solid plans are in place unless she brings it up again. What do you think?

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Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 19:38

WooWoo would it be unreasonable if he did see her though? Just out of interest. I still don't think moving that distance would be unreasonable. I don't know.

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RoseberryTopping · 26/04/2014 19:44

Don't give him another thought, as a PP said if he wants to see her then he will find a way.
If you were moving hundreds of miles away I might think you a tad unreasonable but 14 miles is nothing.

You will find a new routine with seeing your parents, it might just be that visits will need to be a bit more planned out rather than just dropping by. It should still be easy enough to see them.

If your gut is telling you this is the right thing to do then please listen to it.

RoseberryTopping · 26/04/2014 19:46

Don't run it by anyone again! It's your life, your decision!

WooWooOwl · 26/04/2014 19:52

Maybe, but probably not.

I don't agree with people moving children away if it means contact has to change, so if a parent was able to see a child during the week after school if they lived near by but would be unable to by the time they had finished work and used public transport if they moved away, then I'd think that was unfair.

But that would have to be weighed up against the other benefits to the child like better schools or if the move was out of a crime ridden area into a better one.

If he was involved, then his ability to travel would have to be taken into account. If he can afford to run a car then no problem, but if he couldn't even afford public transport then it would be an issue.

There are so many variables, but if a parent is moving a child away from an involved parent when it's genuinely in the best interests of the child and not themselves, then it shouldn't be a problem, as long as regular contact can be maintained.

Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 19:56

Thanks Roseberry, I wouldn't move hundreds of miles away. I am so close to my family as is DD and even though she doesn't see her other Gran an awful lot she still does love her and enjoys her visits. I just physically couldn't bring myself to do it.

Where I'm thinking would still be in the same city just a different town (well village really). I do think it's the right thing to do. Aside from everything else I don't want my DD growing up hearing the things I do about her Dad. I want to protect her as much as possible and I know as she got older these things would start to trickle back to her and I just don't want that for her.

I think I was just starting to doubt myself but deep down I know (or think I know) it's the right thing to do for both of us. I just need to keep that in sight (and save this thread to re-read at a later date )

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Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 19:58

I see your point WooWoo. I guess because she has never had much contact and hasn't had any for nearly a year I don't take things like that into account.

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Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/04/2014 20:29

You can't hang around just incase her father decides he wants a relationship. And it's hardly like you're moving to the other side of the country.

Original poster

SharonDippity · 26/04/2014 21:22

I wouldn't. My only worry is that her gran will use the fact we've moved to drop contact too. I would sincerely hope she wouldn't and if she did the blame would fall at her feet in my eyes but I just don't want my daughter to lose yet another member of her family. She already doesn't seen her Dad and hardly ever her Grandad.

It annoys me they seem to condone him being a shit Dad and yet I get the guilt trip for trying to do what I think is for the best.

In saying that I can't explain my reasons fully to her either.

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