Was I unreasonable to let this friendship slide? And AIBU to feel sad about it.

[NCtoMoan]

S and I were best friends from age 16. She was chief BM when I was married at 25, I was chief BM (v heavily pregnant with DD) when she was married at 28. Between the time we got married we started to slowly drift apart because I have a mad career which requires my soul long hours inc nights and weekends. Plus she likes going out and getting hammered whereas I have always hated it. I could cope with it in uni but once I started work it wasn't easy to go out all the time on a bender. This pissed her off no end.

Anyway so I had severe untreated PND after DD (2.5) was born and my days were filled with trying to deal with that, high needs baby and caring for my terminally ill mother. I tried meeting S a few times but she didn't really seem interested because it didnt involve alcohol. One day I'd invited her round for a cuppa/gossip and she just didn't turn up.

Then my mum died just as DD turned one. S didn't bother to contact me much after that, didn't ask about the funeral etc (if it was me, I would have gone to my best friend's mum's funeral). That really upset me. She started texting me apologising and was trying to arrange to see me but I was in such a dark place withe the PND and grieving for my mum I couldn't cope with dealing with her.

I've finally had treatment for my depression and feel after 2 long years that I was normal. I saw yesterday a mutual school friend was getting married (I've not seen him for years as he moved away) but S kept in touch as she dated him. Anyway so I text her briefly saying to pass my love on and she mentioned meeting up which I think I will. She was mentioning another friend of ourse wasn't going as he has lost touch with everyone due to a new relationship and she was being rather nasty about it and it seemed like she was perhaps indirectly speaking about me. She hasn't a clue about how severely unwell I've been and I guess to her, it seems like I have binned her off. I feel so incredibly guilty about it now that I'm well again, at the time I was so bloody ill (suicidal) and it took all my energy to just focus on getting better/trying to salvage a bond with my poor baby.

I don't really know what the point of this thread is. I guess I'm just sad. Maybe it's just one of those things about friendships, they do drift apart if you don't work at them. I miss her. I'm still angry she didn't bother to be there for me after mum died. I'm angry as soon as I started being boring and not going out all the time she gave me grief. Even on her hen do when I was 34 weeks pregnant and had to start mat leave early due to severe SPD she got upset with me because I wouldnt stay out after the meal to go out on the town.

Anyway, flame away.

I think I'd be inclined to try to stay on speaking terms (I wouldn't bother with a heart to heart or trying to justify myself) but just let the relationship continue to slide. I wouldn't want to fall out but at the same time it does sound as though you were never completely compatible as best friends and that gap has only widened since. It's sad when friendships fade but I do find that I have lots of friends for a few years when we have life stage in common, but only literally a couple of true friendships that have really stood the test of time. It doesn't make those other good times worth any less in my memory though.

Do you know everything that's been going on in her life in this time? Maybe you've missed something that's been big in her life, too, and she feels hurt about that.

But you're right that she probably doesn't know how unwell you've been. If it were me (and it's not, and I don't know if I'm that good at friendship anyway) - I'd probably send a card or mail or text to invite her for a coffee and say I was sorry for having neglected her. I'd say I had been so ill after having my baby and my mother's death, but was finally feeling strong enough to pick up the threads of my life again, and I was missing her, and would really like to meet up again. I'd then leave it with her.

How she responds will give you a hint of whether there's a chance of picking things up again or not.

Agree EBearhug post.

I am so sad about losing a friendship many years ago. I suppose it finished for a reason but I am still sad and with I could resurrect it. You have been through the mill but some people find it very hard to cope with things like bereavement and depression. I would give her another chance. I am not sure if I would apologise but I perhaps would. I think sometimes you kind of have friends for different things, don't you? everyone can be a great friend in all circumstances. I know I am projecting my experience and sadness onto your situation so feel free to ignore me!

Yes I know details of her life over the past two years (shares lots of FB). Lots of holidays/constant weekends away with the hubby and holidays with her family. She doesn't want kids so nothing happening there. Jobs and house all secure. Family all healthy. She's healthy. Of course something deeper could have happened though.

I've sent a text to her now. I think there is fault on both sides. I may have neglected her, but she neglected me too. And she knew my mum was dying. She was one of the first people I told :(

facebook posts mean nothing.
if she was going through hell then she may have just hidden it.
its sounds like you both stopped trying.

Thanks for that sexypants very helpful

Well, you know lots of what she's put in FB - that's not always the same as what is actually going on. A lot of people only post a positive spin, and not the things where life might be falling apart.

You're right Ebear.

Anyway she's text back. I apologised to her for being rubbish and she's text back telling me to shut up and that she knows she's been awful to me since mum died. Maybe there is hope :) I do hope so. I miss her so much.

I hope you get back on track. But remember you will both have to try. Don't start to do all the work. A good friendship will need you both putting in the effort.