To expect a 9 yo and almost 8yo to be able to get dressed?

[Twattyzombiebollocks]

I've just sent my kids upstairs to get dressed as I'm downstairs with baby. Ds is 9.5, dd will be 8 in a couple of months. Dd didn't even get off the sofa without first giving me a list of about 5 reasons why she needed me to come and help her to get dressed. She has a wardrobe full of jeans and tee shirts/tops and a drawer full of pants vests and socks. Ds has just come downstairs 20 minutes later to tell me that he can't find any clean pants (he has a drawer full, I know because I put them in there yesterday, and it's the same drawer as they are always in)
Am I being unreasonable to think that two intelligent and nt children should be able to go to their rooms, open their wardrobes and select a pair of jeans and a Tshirt from the selection available, and underwear from their drawers? It's the same every morning, and it's starting to drive me mad. All they want to do is lie on the sofa and play with their iPods. Every single day this holiday I have had to remove/banthe iPods at some point in the day as asking them to do anything that requires putting the iPods down results in melodramatic sighing and strops. I have zero tolerance for this.

Yanbu to expect them to do this

Yabu to burst my bubble that children grow out of this!

Hide their electronics the night before and do not let them have them until they are dressed. They should without a doubt be getting themselves dressed.

No ipods until dressed, and every minute of faffing results in 10 minutes extra of ipod time being withheld.

Start timing them from the minute you ask them to go and get dressed. Will help them with their maths as well so it's win-win.

My dd two manages it .
Today's outfit is yellow trousers and a lime green jumper (chosen by her in the boys section at hnm).
We won't lose her in those colours !

are they usually dressing themselves and chosing gheir clothes from the wardrobe?
if yes yanbu

if you do, however, usually do everything for them, you can't except a sudden change if routine without more 'training'

Gosh, yadnbu! DD is 8 and has been dressing herself independently for the last five years or so!

Do you think it's an attention thing? Trying to make sure that the baby doesn't get all of your time?

YANBU. My 6 and 3 yo manage to choose clothes and dress themselves.

Admittedly the 3 yo manages to put on everything back to front, but at least she tried

I'd get them to pick their clothes the night before and put them on a chair in their room or something.

YANBU

I get my DC (5&3) clothes ready the night before so they don't have to choose their clothes, (otherwise we would end up with truly shocking fashion combos!) but they are expected to dress themselves. I have no qualms with taking them out in their PJ's if they refuse and they know this.

Agreeing with PP. Ipod (or any screen) time is a priviledge and can be revoked. Using screentime as leverage is totally acceptable!

With dd it could be an attention thing, as I'm currently divorcing her dad and she's quite emotionally needy at the moment (I'm happy to accommodate her need for reassurance and cuddles but she doesn't need my help to get dressed and she can manage without me for the 5 minutes it takes to get dressed) but to be honest I feel she has a very entitled attitude to things and I'm trying to educate her about that. Eg this mornjng I mentioned their dad is taking them out for the day to a local kids adventure park. Cue a massive sulk and complaints about how it's raining (lightly and forecast to be dry before lunch for the rest of the day) and how she never gets to go anywhere that she wants. Unsurprisingly she was sent to her room to think about her behaviour.

Ds on the other hand is just bone idle and would quite happily let me wipe his arse and dress him like a baby. He won't do anything for himself without trying to pull the helpless card.

I couldn't be done with it. Though I suspect you have been doing far too much for them, for far too long

I also hate the 'sighing/moaning/addiction' to 'screens'. I have no problem with kids having/using 'screens' but when it gets to the point that it's to the exlusion of all else or crappy behaviour due to not wanting to put them down then that's it...things have to change.

I would tell them both 'The New Way' things are going to work... what you expect of them (both in behaviour and attitude) and how it will be sorted out if things don't change. Kids will (on the whole) deliver what you expect of them and get away with as much as they know you will let them - it's your 'rules' that need to be made clear :)

Not really avoidingeaster, they have been choosing their own clothes out of the wardrobe for about 2 years now, since I got pregnant with their little sister as I knew I wouldn't have the time or energy, and besides it was high time they did. The novelty soon wore off though. They are also expected to make their beds and tidy their rooms, get ready for bed (with reminders about teeth cleaning and washing properly) and they also have a couple of chores each to do. Every single damn thing is met with excuses every time. I insist every single time and they are made to do it, and iPods are removed if necessary (they aren't allowed them full stop on school days) but it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

DS us 9, his preference at the weekends is to live in his dressing gown, but if told to get dressed he will. He may ask what he should wear (i.e. Jeans and t-shirt/smart trousers and a shirt/track suit bottoms) but will then execute capably by himself.

DD1 just 7 will happily dress herself but cones up with some interesting combinations so can require direction if appropriate. Today she is wearing bright green t-shirt with a black and gold print, black leggings and socks, school shoes as we need to get them checked for size. Depending on what I want her to wear, she may need me to get hanging clothes down as she cannot reach them in her wardrobe (but can reach all her drawers)

DD2 (3) needs help in selecting her clothes and putting them on, but us an expert at removing them! If she wants to play out DD1 usually selects DD2's clothes and dresses her.

My ds is 5 and has been dressing himself since he was 3. He dresses himself for school too in a few minutes. My dd 9 has ADHD and ASD but also dresses herself. However she NEVER changes her knickers and has to start again to do that - it drives me up the wall!!! Also, she takes ages. But she does do it. To be honest, I just don't give them a choice. DD goes swimming with school so has to change herself there. Also it is useful when I take them swimming with the 2 year old as I couldn't possible dress myself, the littlest and the big two.

Yanbu. A dc from 4 on should be able to manage this

My rule for my DC has always been if I have to ask 3 times there is a consequence. I say consequence as its been different for each DC, in that there is no point banning TV from the iPad obsessive, but that is the kind of consequence I'm referring to, e.g if in the morning I have to ask 3 times for DC4 to do teeth the tv goes off and stays off until the next day, he will be warned on the second request.

Its a process in that they will take time to get used to it and you have to be strong but soon it sinks in and its rare now that I have to ask repeatedly.

Also I have always thought once they start school kids should be dressing themselves, so thats 4 years old. It does sound like they've had an easy ride from you, although if going through a tough time its understandable.

I'd start really working out what areas they can become more independent and responsible in.

Well, I'm downstairs with baby might be the problem, why should baby get doted on and constant attention whilst they have to 'do everything' themselves.

Followed by the comment about divorcing DH- it might be unusual if older DCs weren't playing up.

Can you look at photos, think of funny stories about the DCs when they were babies so that they realize that they had all the attention too at that age. And flag up that being a baby isn't that great, poor baby can't play/ watch tv with them etc.

Mine are younger...6 and 4. BUT both capable of getting dressed completely alone (I still lay ds2's clothes out, ds1 is able to get his own from wardrobes etc).

I used to let them watch TV or have the i pad in the morning whilst I was rushing around getting stuff done...but then I would ask them to get dressed and they were so distracted that it would take 20 minutes of me shouting reminding them and it was so stressful.

So about 6 months ago we introduced the rule of NO TV/tablet etc before they were ready to walk out of the door. Now, on a school day, they get up, washed, dressed, have breakfast, get their coat, shoes and bookbag in a pile ready to put on. When that's done, they are free to have TV/laptop/i pad before school.

It didn't take long for them both to realise that they would get up at 7.00 and we leave for school at 8.30. So if they get up, washed, dressed, are sitting down to breakfast at 7.30 and done by 7.45, they get 45 minutes of free time. Messing around and not eating/getting dressed takes precious time off.

Now, they generally are hurrying me in the morning!

Would a rule of "no iPods until you are dressed" work? Or "everybody gets dressed before coming downstairs in the morning" and include yourself and baby sister in that?

I haves older kids both with ASD and then two littles after a big gap and a different husband so have some experience of new baby/child rivalry and iPod obsessions!

I insist every single time and they are made to do it, and iPods are removed if necessary

This is what I would change. Don't leave them with their i pods and threaten to take them if they don't do xyz. Put the i pods away in the night. When you get up, tell them what they need to do...make beds/get dressed/other chores etc and as soon as it's done, they can have the i pod.

Let them self-discover what this means. It may take a few days, but the message should sink in. If you find them getting ready for school challenging, I would also reintroduce the possibility of them on a school morning with the same rule...do xyz, be ready to walk out of the door, and you get the i pod. Whether that's by 7am or 8.30am is up to you.

My sister has 9yo twins - they'll be 10 this year. They don't do anything for themselves. Don't dress, brush hair, clean teeth, pour their own cereal. They drag my sister (who works nights) out of bed by saying they are hungry because they know she will have to pour the cereal and milk for them (which they then don't eat btw). It's utterly ridiculous but my sister thinks it's 'cruel' to make them do these things, that 'how can a 9yo possibly be trusted to do x'. The school have even had a word as they refuse to do things there too. They say they are far too babyish compared to their peers. But for some reason she wont see it (i think she doesn't want to accept they are more independent and growing up). But it's infuriating.

So, according to my sister, YABU and shouldn't have had kids if you didn't want to look after them.

But according to me and the rest of the sane world YANBU.

MrsKoala, my exSIL was still doing everything for her daughter at 16. My stepDN would get out of bed, throw herself dramatically on to the sofa and whine "Mummy, I need toast" and exSIL would go and make it! As a one off it would have been amusing, but this was her reaction to everything, every day. At 25 she is a bit more Independent, but still expects mummy to wait on her hand and foot.

In contrast, DNphw was expected to do everything for himself at a young age and shouted at if he asked for any help. My DB found he couldn't accept the inequality of treatment towards the children and they split, with him having their son for 75:25.

I'd send the iPods on a LONG holiday and make a clear point that if they're causing such rotten behaviour they're clearly not a good influence. And they won't be coming home again until they've been earned by a demonstration of good behaviour that's lasted consistently for several days. And when they did come home, they'd be appearing on a limited basis as reward and privilege rather than a right with resentment for being asked to put it down for five minutes to get dressed.

But then I'm mean and a Luddite.

Dd doesn't have a wardrobe just draws ( I found her sat ontop of the wardrobe when she was 3- for my sanity it had to go)
When I do the laundry I use large clear food bags to bag up folded full outfits so she just picks a bag out of the draw on a morning. Sounds daft but we both work long full time shifts and it's very often my husbands grandparents who take her to nursery. The outfits they chose where terrible and often included odd socks.

Now I needn't worry, she dresses herself before cleaning her teeth and coming downstairs.

By your children's age I expect her to be able to pick her full outfit and dress herself without any drama.