Think my marriage is over and I don't know what to do

[usernameiwanted]

I have name changed but I am a regular lurker. Not sure why I've decided to write this, I think maybe it's because I feel I can't talk to anyone in real life. I'm hoping you can all give me advice and maybe a little bit of hand holding.

I've been with dh for 6 years (married for 4 years) and we have a dd together who is nearly one. Dh has been stressy since dd was born, regularly telling her to shut up when she's being a bit moany or crying, calling her a spoilt baby when she cries, swears around her, admits dd annoys him and loses his temper with me more over little things. He also doesnt help much around the house unless he has invited people round. He gets a normal amount of sleep as he doesn't get up during the nights. He uses his full time job as the excuse.

Earlier in the week we had a small argument about him tidying up toys in the lounge while I put dd to bed instead of being glued to his phone. He storms of to bed and hasn't spoken to me since which I'm afraid to say is normal behaviour from him. We have a tiff and he's obviously too immature to discuss things so he ignores me for days.

At the moment I just feel like I don't want to live here anymore or live the rest of my life with him. I would like more kids but not sure if I want them with him. I feel like I have two choices. Either stay and live with it or leave, be a single mum relying on state handouts.

The thought of being a single mum terrifies me. I had a good job which I gave up to be a sahp for dd which I cant get back into. I have a nice house with nice furniture, what will happen to that? Where will I live? How will I pay rent and bills? What if I have to live in a top floor one bed tiny flat that my furniture doesn't fit in? I will have to get rid of it all.

I'm just so scared of starting from nothing again. What if I cant support my dd in some way. Everything I worked for since I left school is in this house and I really resent my dh for changing from a kind, good natured man who always made me laugh and made me feel incredibly loved into just a shell of who he once was.

I also dont want to take dd away from him. I like the fact that we all live under the same roof and partake in family activities and for him to see her just at weekends or whatever would break him.

I really just don't know what to do anymore. it's nice to get it out of my system, I feel a little bit unstressed.

I must add he does still try at our relationship and says I love you etc. But it's just rare that I feel like his wife but more of an acquaintance living in the same house.

Post in Relationships. You will get good advice there.

Hope everything works out.

Do you think he would agree to counselling? If you feel it may help, of course.

Hi there

This sounds alwful for you- if I were you I'd post on the relationship threads and you'll get lots of sound advice.

Hugs to you.

Could he have PND? (Seriously.) If not, maybe he's suffering from stress due to the added financial responsibility and pressure of being the sole breadwinner, or the huge change to your living circumstances?

Did he have a happy upbringing with a father figure present to "model" the kind of family life you want?

You've been together for six years, and he changed less than a year ago, coinciding with a life-changing event. In your position, I'd be focusing my energy on talking about the problem, establishing some new routines and boundaries, getting him to a doctor if it doesn't improve, trying to build his interest in and confidence with your DD through activities, and ideally buying in help with the housework or babysitting so you can go out together occasionally.

If it means cutting your maternity period short and going for a lower status job or retraining so you can work your way up, it'll be worth it in the long term if it sorts your family life out.

If it doesn't fix things, then at least you'll be in a good position to leave on your own terms and secure the kind of life you want for yourself and your DD.

Good luck .

It doesn't sound as though you need to leave him urgently (although his behaviour is appalling, sulking for days on end, telling your DD to shut up and that she's a spoilt baby for crying she can't talk you wanker, she's one!) so that gives you a bit of time to scout about and see if leaving him is feasible.

It's understandable that you're worried about the nuts and bolts of LTB, you have a responsibility to your DD, but it's apples and pears to compare a nice house/more cash with a safe environment for your DD. She deserves to see you treated with respect, and what happens when he starts sulking with her? That'd be awful to live with as a child.

You said it started when your DD was born, is it that he's struggling with having a baby or does he resent her for taking your attention away from him? A baby crying is designed to provoke an emotional response so I can see how it could easily lean away from getting you to care for them to being intensely irritating, but this sounds more than that. He's not someone I'd feel comfortable having my baby around.

Unless he acknowledges he's got a problem and wants to sort it I can't see that you can do anything else but step back from him to protect your DD.

Your DH presumably joined in with having your DD, so whatever you decide he's going to have to keep supporting her, and you until you're ready to go back to work. And not in a top floor flat with no lift in a dodgy area.

I think counselling might help.

Also the Relationships Topic brigade are brilliant at this sort of thing.

The sooner you break free and start again, the better for you and your dd. If you stay longer you will both be more oppressed. I wouldn't worry about furniture. Think in terms of things you can carry.
Good luck. You can have a proper life without him.

From what you've said it does sound as if he was a lovely husband when you were a couple but he's a rubbish husband now you are parents of a baby and you're a sahm. There's a massive switch from identical lifestyle and responsibilities (you both working ft and earning) to the relentless hard work of parenthood, reduced income, all the economic burden being on him, all the 24/7 parenting being on you, what he sees as your freedom etc etc etc. He is being rubbish, but he's probably terrified and resentful just like you are.

If you were both genuinely happy before DD would he go to counselling to see if you could get back on a better footing? Would you go to Relate alone?

If not, then you sound like you need to give your decision more time. Yes if you split up things will be very different for you and you need to consider what the practical implications of that will be. DH has a responsibility to your DD but not to you, and your current joint income isn't going to stretch so you can all live your current lifestyles in two different houses. Do some research, get some facts. Time will come when the decision practically makes itself.

I agree that it sounds like you've both got a lot of talking to do before you LTB.

You need to sit down and say that you've noticed he's not happy because of how much he's changed, and that you're not happy either. You need to say that things as they are aren't the way either of you would like the rest if your lives to be so either you both work out how to change for the better or split up only if that can't be achieved. Given how wonderful your marriage has been up until the bad patch that you'd rather work together to fix things.