AIBU to call my Mother a cow

[sugar21]

My DF died in 2012 and still miss him, so today DM marries a bloke who is twenty years her junior and will be going to live in Canada with him. I'm adopted and haven't managed to find my real family so only have DM, oh btw the bloke is 7 years older than me. DM came into lot of dosh when DF died so I think this bloke is a bloody gold digger. I'm divorced and now hate men with a vengeance

I wouldn't call her a cow. Sounds like she could be being taken for a ride and needs sympathy. But it must be difficult for you.

I won't say you were being unreasonable as you across as very hurt and upset in your post but I also wouldn't call her a cow.
I understand that you miss your dad, that's natural and there's nothing to say that your mum doesn't still miss him too but as the old cliche goes - Life goes on.
Yes, she could be taken for a ride but only she alone can see if that's true. If she's married him then she's not really going to listen to others.
I hope she's not and hope that you can still have a decent relationship with her.
take care

That does sound like a really difficult situation, but I think you probably need to take a step back for a while and try to separate out the issues in your head.

1. You sound as though you think your mum is being disloyal to your dad, which is understandable, but not really anything you can fix. There is evidence to suggest that those in the happiest relationships marry again soonest after losing their spouse, so perhaps she is proof of this. Would you be unhappy about it if it weren't for the age gap?

1. The age gap - well, it's hard to say what attracts one person to another but a 20 year age gap needn't be a cause for suspicion alone. Have you seen much of them together? Did their behaviour give you cause for alarm? Or is it the small age gap between you and him which makes you feel uncomfortable?

1. Your recent divorce - that's a tough one because it sounds as though you have a lot of residual resentment which could be colouring your views of your mum's relationship. Have you got any sources of support for your anger about this?

Personally, I would try and ignore the situation with your mother and concentrate on making yourself happier and that might actually make everything else seem less infuriating, or at least put some time and space between you and your mum so that you can gain a little perspective. After all, if you have previously had a good relationship with her, you don't want your feelings about her marriage drive a wedge between you - if things do all go tits up with this bloke then you don't want her to feel as though you'll be waiting to say 'I told you so'.

Have some though - it sounds like you are having a hard time of it, and I hope you can find a way to make peace with this situation for your own sake.

Recognise that your mother is not mentaly deficient and has been on this earth longer than you. Every marriage is a risk, but she has a right to take that risk, you should wish her well

And there are some really lovely men out there

She's entitled to some life of her own.
You need to get help to get some of the anger out. Beat up piles of cushions whilst naming the problem - sounds daft but it helps.

I referred to my late mother as a cow, yesterday. Some of her behaviour was horrible. So to a certain extent, I can empathise.

Thanks everyone. DM flew it Canada last night and won't be coming back. Not sure what to make of it all. I think trying to find my birth Mother is a good idea. What do you all think about that.

Are you sure that you are not trying to "get back" at your adoptive Mum by thinking about tracing your birth Mother?

And why do you think it is the end of your relationship with your adoptive Mother, as your tone suggests.?

Sugar,I was also adopted and my guess is you are feeling rejected by your adoptive mother and I think the feeling of rejection is something that all adoptee's probably struggle with and your recent divorce has probably compounded that.

I really feel for you,you've lost your DF and now you feel as if your mother is abandoning you in favor of a new husband and new life in canada.

I think You are looking to for fill the gap left by your divorce,death of DF and rejection of your DM by trying to trace your birth mother,please think very carefully about this and if need be get some counseling before embarking on the search as unfortunately you may not find what you are looking for by tracing her.
I traced my BM after going through a painful relationship breakdown and although I don't regret it,I do now know that I only did so because I was trying ti fill a void in my life.

Although I grew up in a loving family,I still struggle with feelings of rejection and it took many many years to realize it stems from being rejected by my BM as a baby.

Wish your DM well in her new life,there are some decent men out there,work through your demons and believe me there will come a day when life doesn't feel quite so lonely and maybe you'll find someone who's worthy of your love as a bonus.........

So sorry about your dad sugar. Not for me to say if your DM is a cow but can't imagine this is going to end well for her.She'll be back soon, probably contrite and certainly poorer. Look after yourself.

Ok imagine for a moment that you were the one head over hills in love with a man and your mum was the one throwing a strop and stamping her feet. People on here would be saying she is controlling, nasty, toxic and all the other buzzwords for that week.

she is an adult same as you and entitled to make her own mistakes. If you have been divorced youve obviously made a few of your own too