To stop contacting my father and let my children grow up not knowing him

[captainproton]

I'm a semi-regular poster but have name changed for this. Please don't out me if you recognise me.

A bit of background, my mother died 3 years ago, suicide, but we were NC. She was an alcoholic and her alcoholism ruined my teen years. My parents were divorced 3 years prior to that. My father had a breakdown, and I literally had to sort his life out. We were very close, my sister, dad and I we kept each other going through the alcohol years.

I am married and i have 2 babies. My sister is also married with a baby. All 3 of us live over 100 miles from each other, but that's because of limited employment opportunities otherwise both of us would live nearer to where we grew up.

I feel like I am being cut off by my father, like he has no interest whatsoever. He has a new partner and she is nice enough, and I used to think she was the one who might be driving a wedge, but she makes more effort than dad has ever done. And I can't blame her, I actually wish she was my mum. But I don't ever say this (in case it would freak them out). I am just polite, nice, let them get on with their lives don't ask too much.

He never calls, I always call him about 3 times a month max.

He invited my sister and her DD to spend Easter week with them, in their home. This is the second time they get invited over. We have never been asked over. When we visit I initiate it and we have to stay in a hotel.

When my sister got married he spent 1000's on the wedding as a gift. I got a wooden salad bowl and serving spoons at my wedding less than a year later.

His gifts to my niece and sister are a lot more personal and thoughtful. My children, Dh and I receive gifts that make no sense and a bit like last minute afterthoughts. For instance DH and I don't drink, yet despite dad knowing this he always buys DH beer as a present.

When our extended family met up 3 weeks ago for a relatives wedding,
We all agreed to meet for my eldest's 2nd birthday next month. I've just called dad to confirm arrangements and he's booked a holiday abroad right when we all agreed.

He never used to be like this. Sometimes I think he's either had a massive personality change and losing his mind (he does say some odd things that make me wonder if his memory is going) or ive just spent 35 years being deluded.

Anyway every time something like this happens I end up in tears. And really the only thing making me not give up is my DC. But is it really worth them getting close to him for them to get hurt too?

Dh thinks I should forget about making the effort but is that unreasonable? Is that selfish to build up a wall and pretend he doesn't exist. I did that with mum, she died and well I don't miss her, but what if my children ask me questions (or worse their cousin). I don't know how to explain NC to inquisitive minds? And I don't want to go NC with my sister just because she is lucky to have a close bond with dad. Please tell me, amibu?

That was long sorry!

If he doesn't bring anything positive to your life, then why would you want him in your children's lives? One of the reasons I have maintained a distance from my father is that I can't bear the idea of him making my son unhappy in the same way he made me unhappy as a child. There's no reason to pursue a relationship with someone who not only doesn't enrich your life, but actively makes it worse. If your children ask, you can tell them that you aren't friends with him - they will understand that from a young age, and you can explain more as they get older and you think they can handle it. It might even be a good lesson for them in how they can deal with people who don't treat them nicely.

Have you had a conversation with your dad about the things you've noticed or is it too awkward?

My sister has cut us off, she only sees our parents when one of them is ill. My parents want to have more of a relationship with her children but it's not possible as she refuses it which upsets them greatly.

It might be that even though your dad is acting strange he does love you and your kids but cannot show it for some reason. Maybe he's struggling to come to terms with the past and feels that he has failed in some way and thinks making any attempt to be how you want him to be is futile, or maybe he just doesn't know how to show you he cares. Have you spoken to his partner about it?

DoJo - i can understand why you don't want your son to experience the life you had with your dad but having seen the other side and how upsetting it can be for my parents who have been cut off, he's still your dad at the end of the day. My sadness for my sister is that she may one day regret what she is doing and will be alone with no family to support her.

I don't want to derail the thread, but in my case, my dad has had the opportunity to rekindle the relationship and has chosen not to, which further reinforced my belief in the wisdom of my decision.

In the OP's case, however, it doesn't sound like she would have to go so far as telling her dad that she doesn't want to speak to him again. If he never instigates contact then all she has to do is stop calling him. If he picks up the phone and calls her, then he's proving that he does take an interest, and if he doesn't then he's confirming the OP's suspicion that he's not that bothered. It needn't be all or nothing, but there's no reason to actively pursue a relationship that makes you unhappy.

The alternative is to confront him about it, but what justification can he have for never ringing you? Even if everything else was some kind of crazy misunderstanding, doesn't he even want to know that you're ok? Unless there is something he could say that would make it all better, then a confrontation might just leave you feeling even more frustrated, or lead to saying something you might regret.

How is your relationship with your sister? What does she think about it?

Lots of children don't know various members of their extended family or don't have extended family and manage just fine.

It's not unreasonable to not make the effort. It's not like he is. Your DH sounds like he has you and your DCs best interests at heart.

It's your choice to cut a toxic person out of your life, whatever the reasoning.

My father will never meet my daughter who is nearly six years old now, and only met my son as a baby. So nearly eight years no contact and it's the best decision I ever made.

I never told him I was cutting contact, I just stopped. It's easier as he is in Scotland whilst I am in England. Why should I have to explain why I think he is toxic and give him an opening to try and defend that behaviour, after living with it for twenty four years, he had plenty of time to change it and plenty of chances where I tried talking to him.

You and your children take priority, if you think continuing the relationship would be bad for you, then just stop.

I think there is a difference between no contact, and not bothering.

Your dad isn't really adding much to your life, but the issue is more that he has distanced himself from you, rather than being definably malicious or abusive.

My dad cut contact with us almost 7 years ago. I'm not overly bothered, it's his decision, and we are in Christmas card contact.

Interestingly, you say that you only speak to him about 3 times a month, and only on your initiation. I consider myself quite close to my mum, but even at that, I. Might only speak to her a couple of times a month at most.

Perhaps rather than going nnc, you could see him. Ore of an acquaintance?