To be frustrated and a little sad

[impatientlywaiting14]

Hi all

Will try to keep it brief. Me and D.P are on our 3rd Month trying to conceive. First month was no joy, last month we missed ovulation as was staying away from home for a friends birthday. This month has been a Roller coaster of emotions and I have been questioning if D.P is holding out, one reason (of many) being he made plans for us again to be staying away from home at the time he knows im due ovulation (But then the plans were cancelled due to money) . Then we seemed we had gotten back on track.

I am due ovulation in a few days and the last couple of days D.P has been having difficulties at work and I have made sure I have been available at home for when he comes home from work. I have lended him a listening ear and have done what I can to be supportive and to make him feel better. Dtd has gone out the window as (understandably) he has not felt in the mood due to stress. However tonight he was on his phone before bed messaging people and having a laugh, then says to me he is tired and goes off to sleep. AIBU to feel frustrated and a little sad, I feel like we have probably missed our chance again this month :(

No not unreasonable, but try to chill a bit it is only 3 months, and it sounds like you're already getting a bit military about this. I really don't think men have the same kind of urgency about this as some of us women. I know I got a bit er, intense about it all.

Is he as keen as you to start a family?

It doesn't sound as if he is as keen as you are to start a family, from what you've written here.

Has he agreed to keep you happy, or is it something he wants just as much?

I second the advice to chill a bit, maybe he is freaking out at the change from sex being fun, to 'we must do it now to have a baby'?

If you haven't ovulated yet then this month isn't ruled out. Why does you being away from home prevent you having sex? Or are you away separately?

Unless you have reason to believe you have fertility problems, 3rd month is too soon to be concerned with the precise moment of ovulation. I don't think men like having sex by appointment for baby making. Try to keep it spontaneous. Contraception free sex usually leads to pregnancy!

I don't think you're being unreasonable, perhaps just a little over excited and at risk of letting anxiety/resentment get in the way.

Hi CrystalDeCanter

Thanks for your reply. Yes, he has always wanted a family from early on in the relationship. we have been together 9 years. Its been me putting it off due to family and health issues and the general worries about being ready yet, finances ect. I was diagnosed with Endometriois last year and after another year of putting off (due to being advised medically and another op) we were both keen to get started as soon as possible.

He seems to be having worries about money (he's not usually a worrier) and i have tried to assure him things will be fine. He is also looking to change jobs and wants me back at work (off for a year due to operations and redundancy). I cant help feeling with him stressed at work and me in a new job its going to delay ttc. As it stands I am already worried my fertility could be impaired due to the Endo. Dtd already proves to be an effort as the Endo Affects things in that regards so im having to really make a conscious effort.

Fatigue is a big factor also. I do feel pressure with him worrying about money, to find a job soon. Im hoping to fall soon so i don't need to worry about working around things and things becoming a real struggle. As it stands I am already worried the Endo could impair my fertility (D.P is also). I feel falling first then quickly focusing my efforts on finding work is better, taking in consideration how long we have waited already and not knowing how the Endo could affect things.

I can see how on the face of it, it seems im becoming military about it and appreciate your P.O.V. You are right men don't seem to have the same urgency. Its just odd now we are actually ttc he doesn't seem to, where as before he did?

Thanks again for your reply and love the user name :)

I think as others have said that being as precise about it as you are right from the off is probably bit offputting. TTC IS still sex after all and maybe your DH doesn't want it just to be about that. I appreciate that you do have some concerns but you don't yet know if they have any foundation. Purely anecdotal but I know of at least 3 couples who tried for 12+ months and got terribly stressed about it all. Decided to stop "trying" for a bit, just had sex whenever, booked a holiday etc and bingo! Your DH may be making plans to be away etc because he is not organising every element of life around your efforts to conceive, so just think of it. Also in your last post did you mean you would seek employment whilst pregnant? Only, realistically, I doubt many employers would see that as a plus at the recruitment stage..good luck with it all - hope it does happen for you soon.

2 months? You really need to calm down, its no wonder he is put off by you! And can you only have sex at home?

Based on your update, I don't think you're being very fair to him.

You know he's worried about money - you've had a rough year financially, he has concerns about his job, and he clearly wants you working ASAP to help stabilise things. You're not on the same page: you even admit that you hope you'll get pregnant while you're still unemployed, as it'll make life less complicated for you. For him, that means there'll be no maternity pay coming in, no wage/salary coming in up until you're ready to leave the baby, and no option of you going back to work unexpectedly early if finances demand it.

I can see why he might feel that now isn't a good time to TTC, but he might perhaps feel that he can't tell you so due to a wish to protect your feelings and also the pressure regarding your fertility.

Maybe it's something you should talk about?

I understand your concern but I think Yabvu!!

The ttc in such a militant style will never work and takes all the romance and fun out of it. Chill out and plan some romantic evenings not around your ovulation dates and try having some fun.

Also look at getting a job!! Most companies state you have to have worked for them for a minimum of 26 weeks prior to your 15th week of pregnancy for you to qualify for company maternity pay. Otherwise all you will get is maternity allowance at £136 a week for 39 weeks.

Start thinking a bit more about him and you as a couple than ttc

You are entitled to feel anxious, after all it's not something you can put off forever, having a baby takes two, and it needs to be done at the right time! All of these things that you have already discussed with your DP, so you are lucky that he is 'on board' with you.

However for a man's POV it is not that much of a turn on hearing the words "I'm ovulating, get in bed" or whatever it is... especially when u r tired and worried from life's problems.

I would suggest not worrying about it too much, or reading too much into it.

Try the old fashion method of seduction, fun, flirtatious... and make it impossible for him to turn you down!

I can see why you are worried about conceiving with your endometriosis, but I think you are letting it cloud your judgement.

You hoping to get pregnant quickly so that you don't have to worry about finding a job, he is hoping you will be back at work asap to help bolster the finances.
Can you manage on his salary, and I mean really manage, or do you need to have an income too?

When you say you try to assure him that things will be fine - what is that based on? If it is based on the fact that his salary alone covers all your outgoings and allows you to save, then great. If it doesn't and you are assuring him on the basis of nothing - money not yet earned and plans not yet come to fruition then YABVU to expect him to stop worrying on that basis.