AIBU or is DM. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do next. Please help?

[devilanddeepblue]

I've nc'd because I'm pathetic (according to dm at least).

This has been an on going issues since dc was born nearly 4 years ago. Dm sticks her two pennies in all the time. Often I'll be trying to discipline dc and dm will tell me I'm being unfair/too harsh etc etc. just to be crystal clear, I do not shout, I do not smack, I do not use the naughty step (it makes dc worse) so dc has choices and consequences. For example if dc is being rude I'll tell them stop the behaviour or they won't get a favourite part of the evening routine (tv time, stories, puzzle time etc).

I don't think that's bad parenting and it's certainly a lots better than what I was subjected to as a child. I've had endless arguments with dm ably this and today I just feel like it's the last straw. Dm told me off about telling my dc off in front other relatives today. I felt humiliated and degraded. I argued stood my ground and I get told to know my place (I'm not dm's mother and I'm her dd and shouldn't speak to her like that). I didn't swear or shout or be abusive btw. I make a very conscience effort to not do that.

Anyway, I'm now at home in floods of tears and at a complete loss as to what to do next. There is a lot more to this but I'm not sure how necessary it is to the shituation I'm in now. The only thing I can say and it is probably very important is that I know dm is a narcissist and controls us with financial generosity. I'm already aware of this and there is sweet fa I can do about it, so cutting ties and going at it on our own is really not an option as our dosh is tied up with theirs.

Please help me.

Thanks for reading this and sorry it's so long!

I don't but I can pretend I'm out. I think I'll go out anyway and take little somewhere nice.

Do you enjoy AIbu op?

Can you imagine what it would be like if no one had an opinion?

Very very dull.

Please ignore that. Wrong thread

I did wonder!

Could you try

"I do know you are my mother and I love(?) and respect you because of that. If I didn't, then I would be a lot more forthcoming regarding your opinions of my parenting. However, the fact remains that you are not my DC's mother, I am, and DH & I will parent them in the manner that we deem appropriate"?

JMFAO, that's exactly what DH says. I mustn't feel duty bound to her, pander to her or plan my life around her.
She is just so unbearably controlling. Even down to trying to enforce her opinions on decorating the house, what colour/type car I should drive etc.
She even expresses her opinions as fact "no black is the best and only colour for a car" ffs. It's exhausting. I do tune a lot of it out now and don't even acknowledge most if her ill thought out comments, and most of the time we get on absolutely great. The real issue is now is how I choose to parent my dc. I've tried talking to my df but he just says he doesn't want to get involved and we should all just focus on the positive (fucking hippy).
But you are right, she will act like this if I allow it. I must not allow it and I must stop reacting to her comments.
I think I have to deal with her the way I deal with my dc. Unless you talk to me calmly and rationally I'm not going to hear you. That will have to become my new mantra.
Unfortunately she is just one of those people in life that really knows how to push my buttons, and I'm certain she does it on purpose.

Celtic, thanks for replying. I have tried that approach before and got called a childish smartarse. I really I am going to have to let her have her rant at me and whilst she does I'll just move myself away with dc and continue as if she wasn't in the room. I'm hoping that she'll eventually learn that she won't get what she wants or an kind of reaction speaking to me like that.

I did know this was going to be an issue when I had dc but not to this extent.

It makes me feel even more angry when I recall the really shitty parenting choices she made whilst I was growing up.

Dm just rang.
And said that she had a long chat with df last night. Long and short of it is that she said she didn't like the way I spoke to her (fair enough) and that actually after getting to the very bottom of it, it has nothing to do with the way I parent.
We were at my grandmother's house and I was with dc in the car for 10 mins after dm went into the house and my grandfather was apparently being a bit derogatory about my dc. So when we eventually came in (dc 3 years old and had fallen asleep and woke up a little grumpy so to avoid issues I waited in the car with dc until they were happy enough to come in).
Then when we get in and dc plays up it made dm stress because it fuels their fire.
After I let dm finish what she had to say I then said what I felt I needed to.
Dm does without a doubt have a stressful life with businesses to run, demanding elderly grandparents that she panders to and an adult child with ASD. However I did say that it doesn't excuse her jumping down my throat for no reason. If her parents were pissing her off she should have told them, not save it up for a very inappropriate time and aim it me. She did seem to accept this (miracles do happen). And she has promised that she will keep her opinions to herself and that actually I am very good at being a mum etc. I'll guess that will last all of 2 days but hey ho!

Once again, thank you everyone for your suggestions and advice. I'm still going to disentangle ourselves and when this issues does arise again I'll use some of the suggestions on here.

Have a good weekend!

Carry on with your plans to financially disentangle yourselves and move further away if you can.

You're right, it won't last long.

And the red flag I saw in your posts was your daughter then demanding to go iwth your DM and you 'not having the strength to argue.'

They are watching, learning and will start playing you off against each other, with the net result that they will respect neither of you. They will however see that Mum and Dad's authority is sometimes dependant on whether Granny allows it...

Bad, bad, bad for ALL your relationships.

She won't change, so protect your relationship with distance.

I will enjoy it now. Going to change my name back again now but thank you all very much. Leg over and out!

Shes undermining you. You are not a child anymore. Best response? My child my rules. Im an adult now. Then leave. Dont argue or negotiate as its fueling your toxix relationship dynamic. Once she sees its not negotiable, she can enjoy an argument or undermining you she will try a few more times then give up or try another tactic. Dont cry or grimace just say your 'line' then leave/end what you were doing with her. That way her toxic behaviour has a consequence. If she sees the consequence is no more engaging with you she will get the message. I have YEARS of experience wtih my mother in this. You would not believe how quickly you get a result. She was so staggered i stood up for myself then left , leaving her without her fun (it took 3 or 4 goes on each 'issue') that she totally altered her behaviour. Good luck. I so feel for you.

When she brings up the "you aren't my mother line", you have the opportunity to say, " and you aren't the the mother of my DC so stop interfering in my parenting decisions". She may not like it but it may make her think twice before doing it next time.

Didn't see your update in time. Sounds like you have made some progress with her OP.