Lights out

[proudbi]

Am I being aibu to think my dd should have her lights out by 10:30.
My oldest is 15 and says that all her friends are up much later but my dd shares a room with my other DDs 4 and 11 right now as we are moving soon to a bigger house.
What time does everyone else's kids lights go out?

What is it that she so desperately needs the lights on to do?? It's 3.50am now and I'm not sleeping-but the lights are out!! Mainly because my dog is snoring and I don't want to disturb her!

if she can read her kindle after lights out then that's different. I thought she was being forced to lie in bed wide awake with no way of distracting herself until she falls asleep, and I thought that was quite cruel. But if she can read, that's different.

I have a 15 year old and from my experience with her & talking to her friends' mothers they tend to stay up late. Not necessarily on Facebook/Snapchat but just pottering around after they've finished their revision/homework. I think they need longer to unwind before they can get to sleep. Can you try talking to her earlier in the day when everyone is less tired about how she needs to fit in with her family now and that you are doing your best to resolve the room sharing issue by moving but that you can understand her frustrations?

I would have the big light off when the youngest goes to bed and minimal light and noise after that. Definitely no TV whilst anyone is sleeping.
I presume she has another room she can do homework chat online etc on. Mine were in bed with all lights off at 10-10.30 age 15.

I have spoke to DD but she just argues back at anytime of day. She has threatened to keep everyone awake tonight if she doesn't get to stay up later.

There's a TV show on late that she wants to watch but I said no as its a school night.

"she just tells her dad and he causes trouble eg telling her not to listen to me and dp also telling her she can do what she wants."
This is where all this is stemming from. Until you get on top of this situation, you will not win.

where we have tried to get on top of it but the only time that it stopped was when we went no contact but can't do that again.

When I was at high school, lights out during the week was 10pm - 11pm at weekends. I think 10:30 is pretty late for a 'school night' so I think you're being pretty reasonable.

Can you record the show she wants to watch? Bottom line is you're in charge, it's your house, I'd never have argued with my mum like that (but then I was maybe a wuss teenager and my mum would have thumped me if I'd been that arsy :-)

I'd offer her a peace treaty.

Tell her all arguments, threats and toddler style tantrums HAVE to stop immediately or the deal is off.

Tell her you are disappointed with the way she has gone about things and hope she can be more reasonable in the future but that you understand it's hard to go to bed when you personally don't feel ready.

The deal:
She can keep her iPod all night (but the wifi will go off when you go to bed).
She can read with a small torch as long as she is careful not to disturb the others.
She can watch TV later than 10.30 on weekends and one school night per week.
You will consider requests to relax the rules further once you have moved to the new house, dependent on behaviour/attitude/school marks.

In return:
She gets herself up for school on time without complaint.
She is not rude to the little ones when they wake up in the morning.
She does not intrude on your bedroom.
She does not deliberately wake the little ones up after their bedtimes.
She keeps up with school work/you don't hear reports of her being too tired to function at school.