to wonder when it is my turn?

[essential6]

I have name changed for this.

I have a long history of severe MH problems which I am slowly recovering from, I am as well as I have ever been in ten years so I am making progress.

I found out today that my SIL is pregnant and I am so happy for her and excited to be an auntie, but I also feel so sad about everything. I would love to have a baby, as it is we currently plan TTC in December this year.

DH is upset because he wanted to have children before them (he is the oldest), they got married 6 weeks before us and he feels like they have twice stolen our thunder. I don't blame them for having a baby when they want, but it is so hard wanting a baby and not being able to have one and then someone close to you gets pregnant.

I feel so guilty that I have held DH back from having a normal life, we always have to watch our money because we live off his salary alone. I just want to make him happy and I feel like I don't I just hold him back because of all of my problems.

I feel like I have just wasted my 20s, I have two failed careers behind me and I am having to look for low-stress part time jobs because I cannot hack real life apparently.

I am fat and I hate it. I have spent my life being fat and I just wish that my weight wasn't such a huge battle for me. I hate being the fattest person in the room, I hate my double chin and how bleurgh I look in most clothes. I am losing weight on Weight Watchers but it feels like such an enormous struggle.

At the moment everyone talks about how well I am doing, but it doesn't feel like I am. Not self harming is not a huge achievement when you consider that the vast majority of people don't even have to struggle with it. I am praised for sticking to therapy but again, it doesn't feel like an achievement. I wish I didn't have mental health problems because they have just ruined my life (and my body).

I just feel like it is never my turn to have it good in life, to be a comfortable weight, to have a nice job, to have a nice figure, to be a Mummy and it is so unfair.

Sorry this is so miserable.

Thanks for your kind offer, I will pm you in the morning,

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So sorry you feel so low, essential. Not self harming is a huge achievement. Please don't lose sight of appreciating your recovery and how far you 've come. Feel good about the small steps.

essential as a fellow sufferer of my issues I totally understand how you are feeling!! But you really are doing wonderfully to be able to stop harming and to be so brave as to join ww!

I am also fat and hate it, but cannot do much in way of exercise due to a disability which hinders me greatly!

Keep going though hun, you are doing am amazing thing and it will mean so much more because of how far you have had to come and how hard you have had to work to get it.

Please pm me if you need to talk!!

At the moment everyone talks about how well I am doing, but it doesn't feel like I am.

That's what makes MH issues so hard, you turn compliments upside down and find another reason to berate yourself.

You are doing great - joining weight watchers and not self-harming. Sticking to therapy is a major achievement - it is a tough thing to do. So there you are - 3 things you are in control of and succeeding at.

It sounds like you've come through a really tough journey. December will be here before you know it and when you get your baby he or she will feel all the more special for the wait you had first. I also think the difficulties you've been through will stand you in such good stead as a parent one day. Try and look on the delay as a positive. As someone who has had to battle with really tough times, your kids will never feel there is any problem they can't discuss with you.

My MIL never tires of telling me how my SIL 'beat me to children' (because I had multiple miscarriages!) but I secretly wouldn't swap it now. She got all the interference in the early days. I get to have the 'babies' now, get no unwanted advice and my pick of all the best hand me downs. There's definitely an upside! Best of luck and hope the next few months go quickly for you.

Thinking of you

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words. I am trying to pay attention to all of the progress I have made.