What's wrong with my mother?

[junkfoodaddict]

My DM looks after our DS (2 years) for two days and nights in our own home every week during the term time (I'm a teacher). She travels from afar and she offered to do this, we never asked, as she wanted a regular relationship with him.

She is someone who can turn from a nice to an incredible nasty person in a split second. She has 'episodes' of anger that last from 3-10 weeks in which she becomes aggressive with her tone of voice, sits with a permanant scowl on her face, takes no interest in anyone, can sit for hours chain smoking, swinging her leg whilst seated, staring into space, bang things and be a very intimidating person to be with. This bevhaviour has been going on since I was small, but with each period either she is more outwardly aggressive and scary or as I'm getting older, i'm noticing it more. She is also bringing this attitude with her when she looks after DS and making us feel intimidated and nervous in our own home. The last time this happened was from late September until early November. All my life, I have always known friends and family to come and go, my DM always blaming others.

She has no contact with her DS (my brother) as he cut ties with her, She has no contact with her own brother (my uncle) - not sure who cut ties but I think it was her, she has had an on-off relationship with my grandma (gran left DM when she was 14) and currently no contact with her for last decade at least, on-off relationship with her sister (my aunt), currently unknown but I don't think she has spoken to her in months. She has only one friend who is someone else she cut ties with for 20 years, found again but after a decade in each other's life, she has decided that she no longer wants the closeness that she had with her.

Three weeks ago, she asked me if I was doing anything at the weekend to which I replied I was not and then proceeded to request DS for the weekend and she would bring him back on what would have been her last day of the week caring for him at our own home. I agreed and asked why this was to which she replied that she was under no circumstances going to spend another day or night freezing her butt off! I was taken aback and said okay. This attitude was because the night before we had doors and windows open for fumes to escape after having a new wooden floor laid and it had just been varnished. DH then decided to turn the aga off for the summer. I did say this was daft and leave it until DM went home but he didn't. Having said that, Agas take a few hours to cool right down!! But on the night that this took place, we were all chatty, eating some treats I had brought back after work!?!?

So the following week, three days after taking DS to visit DM and my dad, she brings him back as agreed. I walked into the dining room to find her on the sofa with her back turned to DH and a friend who were chatting (friend is also a work colleague of DH). I could immediately tell she was in a bad mood. She basically said she was very annoyed with DH and friend and she'd tell me later. I never said anything to DH or friend that night BUT on attending a class together, friend asked if DM was okay as she seemed to be in a mood. The following night I asked DH about DM's arrival and DH said he said hello as they came in, DM looked at him, looked at the cat and said to DS "Oh there's the cat" and ignored DH!!! On asking my dad two weeks later (tonight) she said to him that she was being ignored?!?!? DM asked me to ring her the folliwing night to which I agreed but then got a text to say not to bother until the weekend as she had serious thinking and decisions to make and not when still angry.

As it happens, that weekend FIL died so this took priority. I telephoned my parents to tell them but DM was not as chatty - concerned but I could tell by her voice that she wanted to say very little. DH did get a sympathy card. She also said that my dad would attend the funeral (hadn't been arranged at that point) but she would have to check to get time off. The following day, we had a date, venue and time and I text them with it. A WEEK later (yesterday), DM still hadn't contacted me to let me know if she was attending the funeral so I rang. It was a painful conversation. It was obvious she didn't want to talk to me. She was cold and frosty and replied "Nothing" to every question I asked. She passed me quickly to my dad to arrange particulars about them attending the funeral.

It's getting to the stage that my dad wants a divorce (been threatened many, many times before) but then she's 'come round'. TBH, I think she's with him for the 'lifestyle'. My dad is a taxi driver and works 10-12 hours a day, 6/7 days a week. The shifts are dictated by DM. The other night he came home because there was no work (to her surprise) to which she said "Oh, only working 9 hour shifts now!".

I do think this childcare arrangment is having a detrimental effect on their martial health as well as her physical and mental health and a huge financial burden. We've offered to give money for fuel but she declined. She is a very 'proud' woman who won't accept defeat or help and takes offense at it. She is unlikely to admit it is harming her life and marriage and would never 'give up' looking after DS yet if WE ask her to stop and tell her why, she'd take offense at that and claim that we've used her, stopped her from seeing DS - which of course is not true.

Just not sure what is wrong with her. AIBU? Or is she? Does she sound like she has mental health issues (the mood swings are common and long-lasting caused by trivial things!)? We're seriously considering putting DS in full-time childcare from September but with a view of us visiting DM and dad once every half term and giving them four days with him. Not all grandparents see there grandchildren every week and those who don't, still have a meaningful realtionship with them.

We're just fed up of the mood swings, feeling intimidated in our own homes and we're beginning to dread the day she comes to us!

Also, congratulations for getting this far down my post!!! And for the record, DS adores DM and vice versa and she has in no way, given us cause for concern about the way in which she treats DS.

Mum is 55. She 'softens' her attitude when DS is around and she is very chatty, sociable and nice with him. She certainly has given us no cause for concern over the care of our child. In fact, I think DS is the only person she tolerates!

For the record, someone mentioned they couldn't believe that we don't pay her. We offered, but she has declined. She is a very proud woman and won't speak of it, but I dare say that if we let her know that we want the arrangment to end, she'll probably tell work colleagues that 'we didn't even give her any money towards fuel costs', despite us offering and she rejecting!!!

I think I am scared to tell her what we are wanting to do. It WILL have a detrimental affect on our relationship (her bad temper will esculate)and even though I believe a lot of her estrangements with other family members are down to her, I don't want to be another person to abandon her. I need to tell her that I'm doing it for HER, not for us or DS. She won't believe it. She always likes to believe that people 'let her down'. She's not happy unless she's unhappy!!!

We're seeing her tomorrow for FIL's funeral. Not the time or the place to have the conversation but I dare say her attitude and coldness will be noticeable by many and I will NEED to have the conversation out of ear-shot of everyone else!! A good chance she will be a lot warmer, if not frosty still when she realises that DS will also be at the funeral.

She behaves atrociously in your home to your DH. You don't want her there. Totally reasonable.

You need her to know you are doing it for her? WTF.

No, you are doing it for you. You are doing it for your DH too, who should not have to put up with this shit. Totally reasonable.

Pretending to yourself or her (or us) that anything else is true is bonkers.

You are in the FOG around your toxic mother. Fear, obligation, guilt. Google, learn, let the fog clear. Stately Homes thread is good also Toxic Parents book.

get tomorrow out of the way, then have the conversation - if need be, you think that DS at 2 at an age to benefit from being in a group situation at nursery ahead of pre-school. That, coupled with thinking it might be better for her as she's obviously not happy coming to yours, you have taken the decision to put him in nursery. And it's sorted, not negotiation.

She might well be 'fine' around DS now, but that won't last, it didn't last with you as a child.

And your DH shouldn't have to put up with his MIL being a nightmare in his own home.

oh and in answer to your first question - I don't know what's wrong with your mother, but it doesn't actually matter why she acts the way she does, just that she does, and you need to protect your DS from it, and stop inflicting this on your DH.

I just read the funeral bit again. Holy god!

You expect her to play up at your husband's father's funeral to the extent that people will notice. And you are worried about her! WTF. Do you not love your husband or his family?

Tell her to stay away from the funeral because of her recent behaviour. The day is for your DH and family to grieve so you need to focus on them exclusively.

My DM would pull exactly this kind of stunt too. That's why we are NC. I forcibly removed her from my sister's wedding breakfast (discreetly).

Show the people you love the most that you love them the most. Actions speak louder than words. Your actions show your DH that in his hour of need you cared more about her pathetic needs than his true pain. How do you recover from that?

You know how on MN people say about bad partners "when someone tells you who they are, listen". What would your DH hear?

Hope the funeral goes as well as it can today.

It is hard to contemplate limiting contact with one parent just at a time when another parent has gone forever.

Fwiw I wouldn't be surprised if M confounds apprehension and behaves appropriately today. That is half the trouble, you're probably on tenterhooks never knowing what to expect.

For your long term peace of mind it's better to grasp the nettle firmly rather than pussyfoot around. By tolerating bad behaviour it tells her you condone it. Lots to think about reading replies to your thread, good luck.

The funeral was lovely. Big turn out, lots of family and friends, some whom we hadn't seen in years and some whom I and DS had never met!
My mum came. She didn't speak in my MIL's home AT ALL! She followed us in my dad's car and when there, stood apart from everyone else - not speaking to anyone. DS understandably got restless and he went to her as expected. On leaving, everyone was chatty - except her! Again she stood away from everyone else refusing to engage. Friend's husband tried to speak to her as did MIL's neighbours. She said the bare minimum. At the pub, she sat at the furthest table away. She socialised with DS but refused any food. The whole time there, she completely ignored DH who made an effort and sat with us the table. Even friend came to chat but she refused to engage in any conversation. My dad called her a bitch under his breath and guests noticed her cold attitude towards everyone. I found it embarrassing but plenty people to talk to to keep my mind off it. I invited them back to ours but dad wanted to get off as he was "sick of her miserable mug!"
Despite this, a fabulous day if I can say that! I am having a chat (that's if she will chat!) at the weekend. Dad knows what we may intend to do regarding the child are and he said "she needs to be told how it is". I also wish my dad would grow a backbone but he needs her at the hospital next week prior to his intercranial CT scan!!!

Bloody hell op, after her performance at the funeral I doubt I could bring myself to talk to her again let alone be my childs carer whilst I was at work.

She sounds vile.
Sorry.

Glad the funeral went ok, as horrible as they are, it can be nice to see family.

As for your mother, do you have alternative childcare in place? Don't have the chat with nothing lined up, if she strops up you could be in a mess for next week.

Your dad might complain, but he's chosen to spend the bulk of his adult life with this woman, he's made that choice for his own reasons. Don't assume he's on board with challenging her.

Well it was a forlorn hope. She outdid herself. Your DF has chosen to stay with her over the years so as MaryW says, he may well continue. Any steps you take, do so for yourself and your little family.

Has your Mum always been like this?
Some of it sounds to be about control.
Whether it is a mental health issue (possibly a recent change) or just her personality I think I would do the same thing.
II would look for a nursery place and tell her that you feel DS is now ready for a social environment. Then I would reduce contact and invite her round to your house much less often.
If she kicks up a big fuss and goes into a sulk I think I would leave the ball in her court.
If she is really offensive you may have to be more direct and tell her that her mood swings are a factor in your decision and you think it may be getting too much for her.
If she accepts it I would not completely cut contact with yourself or your DS and see how things go for a while

Yes, DM has been like this all my life. It is usually trivial things (to you and I) that trigger her toxic, raging mood swings.

She and I didn't speak for 6 months when I was 17/18. It was because she wanted me to stay in one weekend after breaking up with my BF and I refused. She went into one of her rages and I went out anyways (grounding me at nearly 18?!?!?). Little did I know at the time, but a male friend rang my mum to tell her that HER anger and mood was upsetting me. THAT was the beginning of her not talking to me, Christmas presents thrown on the sofa unwrapped, washing and ironing not done, no 18th birthday card or present etc, etc. It wasn't until I started doing my A level exams in the June that she came home fro work and demanded things be sorted out - I think because she realised she'd be losing me to University within three months!!! I only went back homwe to live between semesters!! It was then that she told me about male friend phoning her. She didn't know that I didn't know it had been done, but still - she, the mother, chose not to speak to her own daughter for SIX MONTHS?!?!?

I remember one particular occasion (1998 - a year after she started speaking to me) when she found out that my dad had a mobile phone (my paternal grandmother bought it for him). She threw into a rage, piled his clothes into a black plastic bag and dumped them in the middle of the town street outside his work!!!

No idea why she stopped speaking to my maternal grandma. She said she had a huge chip on the shoulder and should never have been a mother - I believe pot, kettle and black spring to mind!

No idea why she stopped speaking to my uncle or why she has kept her distance from my aunt.

My brother cut ties with her. I suppose because of her controlling ways. My brother eventually cut ties with me when I got engaged. I don't think he could stand being in the same room as her at the wedding. My brother and I never spoke about why they fell out but my DM has. And from what I can gather, she was fed up of being taken advantage of and they went to Blockbusters to rent a DVD and get some sweets and didn't bother to ask her if she wanted any!?!?!? I think it was a lot of little things building up.

As for her friends - she has only one! Two close friends cut ties for reasons unknown when I was a little girl. The one she still has today was her best buddy 30 years ago, they had an argument and didn't speak in 20 years. they bumped into each other at tesco, got chatting and become good friends but then recently (since DS was born), DM decided to tell friend she was being suffocated by her and now they see each other about once a month. Not as close as they used to be.

I have recently found out that the heating issue was NOT the source of this episode of anger and rage. She told my DF to cancel their May holiday because they couldn't afford it. This was the time she began her to have mood swings. My DH and friend were just the 'icing on the cake'.

She isn't caring for him next week and with it being a bank holiday weekend afterwards, she would only be with us for a day so am going to suggest DS goes to CM's. She didn't want to come down for a day next week before DF's pre-op procedure and it would be the same principle the folliwing week - pointlessfor a day. After that, who knows. We're keeping a close ey on things and if she is going to snub DH in his own home I WILL be telling her that we're going to full time childcare and if she wants the truth she will get it!!!

Your poor husband. Don't 'suggest'. Do it. Why would you choose to expose yourself, your husband, and your child (yes, what she does to the grown-ups inevitably impacts the child) to this?

You seem to be floundering in a confusion of trying to figure out why she is the way she is. Newsflash: understanding the causality won't help you with the immediate situation; you need to react and deal with the consequences before you get (her) to deal with causes and possible resolutions.

Take control. Any changes in the way she chooses to relate to others are down to her, not you. The kindest thing you can do for her is walk away from this poison and point her in the direction of her GP.

She has clearly always had issues, and I'm not remotely qualified to suggest what they are, but I wonder if they are being exacerbated by the menopause?

Whatever the reason, you need to clearly state what you will and won't accept from her and what the consequences will be.

She shouldn't be further enabled to behave in the way she does.