Just a rant

[Cantabile]

about dh. And calendars. And why some people don't feel the need to use them and then get peed off when others in the household don't know what's going on.

Apparently some weeks ago, dh got an email detailing dates for an activity of dd's. The email specifically said that the activity would not be happening over Easter week.

DD thought it was happening later today as usual. I rang 3 people apologising profusely for bothering them on a bank holiday to ask if it were happening today or not. All 3 were out so I left messages.

Then dh came in and said he'd got this email weeks ago.

Nothing was on the calendar. I got cross and said I'd rung round, bothered people and made us all look like ...ing idiots and why couldn't he put things on the bloody calendar. He muttered and printed off the latest emails and gave them to me so I could put them on the calendar (it would seem that that is beyond his capabilities).

I know I shouldn't have sworn. I have been asking nicely that he puts things on the calendar for years. Admittedly I have exploded like this about it before too. He still doesn't do it. Nor will he cooperate with a weekly 'go through the diaries' session.

To be honest, I don't understand your DH either. You are just asking him to put some dates on a calendar not rewrite the Gettysburg Address. What is his problem?

However, if he hasn't ever done this, I don't thing he will ever do it in this lifetime. I don't really know what to suggest.....

Can I ask why he gets this email and not you?

I have always bypassed DH with regard to this type of thing and had emails etc sent to me. It means I can put stuff on the calendar and happily know what is going on.

It does sound like your DH can't be bothered and doesn't attach any importance or significance to it so my only suggestion is to cut him out of the loop and make sure you get all the info. It doesn't excuse him but, in my experience, you are flogging a dead horse trying to get him to do this your way...as simple as it is, it seems beyond him. So, do it yourself and leave him to it. The calendar is there, he can see it and if he misses out because he double books himself, sod him.

Why not just share a calendar on Your phones, simple

He keeps his calendar in a Letts diary, SpiderNugent, using a small pencil. Generally, I try to ensure that emails etc come to me, but this thing somehow went to dh instead and we're stuck with it.

He doesn't miss out if things aren't in his diary. What happens is we don't get to do whatever it is if dh is otherwise engaged. I can try to ensure that things go ahead without him, but it doesn't work.

He is quite capable of writing something on the calendar which clashes with something already on the calendar, and not even mentioning it, so I don't know until I see it. He is an arse about this and I don't know what to do.

The only consequence he ever faces is if I get cross with him and shout a bit. Then he scuttles off and disappears for a while. I am not cross for long, just about as long as it takes for me to shout "you idiot, why the ....ing hell is this not on the bloody calendar" or somesuch. Pretending he's scared when I do that turns the whole thing into a big issue so mostly I don't do it. He is also quite capable of telling dd that "mummy is very cross with me" with teary eyes, which drives me to distraction.

Mostly I just ask why something isn't on the calendar, could he please put it on there/what about this clash/etc. Has no appreciable effect either.

Why do you miss out on things if he's already engaged? He should be the one who misses out if he's not communicating when he's busy, not you. There need to be some consequences that cause him to suffer, and not just you shouting at him.

Where does he keep his diary? Can you hijack it once a week, if he won't actually have a meeting about it?

I slightly want to punch him for being so lame about it, but I think what he may be trying to tell you - in a highly irritating, passive-aggressive way - is that the calendar system just isn't working for him.

I would tackle it head-on - sit down with him, calmly and non-accusatively say "we need to figure out something that will work better for everybody, because the calendar clearly doesn't", and then do that. Whatever you come up with should not be a solution that involves you taking over sole responsibility for the family schedule, though, or one in which you and/or the DC miss out on events due to your DH's inability to communicate his commitments by whatever method you both agree on.

Am trying to think of helpful options to suggest - if one problem is the disparities between his diary and the domestic calendar, would he commit to sitting down with you as often as necessary - maybe once or twice a week - to synchronise them?

Thinking about this a little more now that the DC are in bed, his childish reaction to being rebuked about the calendar makes me wonder - could he have any legitimate cognitive reason for being unable to get on with the calendar? You said he will even write clashing events on there without any apparent awareness of why this might be a problem. OTOH, and sorry that this will sound rude, but: do you often talk to him as if he is a small child?

Oh sorry, just reread your OP and noticed your said he won't synchronise calendars (why on earth...?).

I do not understand why perfectly intelligent women put up with this type of behaviour.

Op, what if this was a mate would you advise ? Then do it.

Sunnydays, I assume you're not actually suggesting I LTB over this! and as I have no idea how I'd advise a friend, I'd be delighted if you could give me a suggestion?

Hi missed the response. Sorry.

No of course not. I directed exasperation for multiple threads on similar small issues at you. Apologies.

Does he express no interest in diaries? He prefers to be told? Or is he offsetting blame?

Tbh I'd say to him, right I get this doesn't work what do you suggest?