To try and teach my almost 4 year old about manners?

[CrazyOldCatLady]

DD (3.10) was given a magazine yesterday and complained that the crappy plastic tat that came with it was similar to something she already had (she wouldn't usually complain, honestly, but was very hungry and had just woken up from a nap so was a bit left of centre - please don't immediately write her off as a brat!).

My mum was trying to distract her from it when I came in and heard what was going on. I told DD that when that happens, she should just say thank you and not tell the person that she already has the toy, as it might make them sad that she was disappointed.

Mum did a raising-her-eyes-to-heaven thing and told me that it was fine, that I shoudn't be saying that to her, that I can't expect proper behaviour in that situation yet. She clearly thinks I expect too much of the kid.

I'm going to keep saying it regardless as I want it to be second nature to her. I think she's well capable of understanding - she's a very empathetic little girl and likes people to be happy, plus she loves to behave well and be praised for it, so I don't see why I shouldn't say it.

To be honest I don't have huge faith in my mother's approach to teaching us how to behave; we didn't get advice, we just got given out stink to if we got things wrong. It didn't work out too well; I have the confidence and social skills of a brick, and I want better for DD.

AIBU to continue to gently tell her what's expected of her, rather than just write her off as incapable of proper behaviour till she's older?

the only unreasonable thing would be if you hadn't started teaching manners from earlier!

no-one is born knowing the right way to behave. At 4 she is entirely capable of understanding what you are asking.

ah yes, the 'I'm hungry' grumps - very common!

doesn't sound much wrong with your social skills, you clearly know how to behave and are passing it on.

Manners starts from day 1 IMHO.

You think they are going to suddenly wake up and be 'ready' to be taught manners?

I don't think you're ever to early to start.
Long as you're not hitting the roof if she gets it wrong (and at 4 she will) then you cant do any harm.

Definitely keep up with teaching her manners. She may be too young to understand just yet but IME its much easier to teach them from the beginning rather than let them get away with bad manners, then suddenly they turn 5/6/7 and are expected to have manners IYSWIM.

Definitely start as you mean to go on; it will become second nature.
Set her a good example by always displaying good manners yourself and she will follow your lead. It is much harder to change bad habits than to teach good manners from the start!

Why would you not? Manners are terrifically important at all stages of life.

The specific instance is tricky because we don't want to teach our children to be dishonest.

Good manners start much earlier than that. My DS is almost four, with ASD and speech difficulties and some of his first word were 'please' and 'thank you'. You are definitely not being unreasonable in wanting to teach manners.

I know it's a Mumsnet No-no and I don't care but as soon as my DC and DGC were old enough to take a rattle from me, I would say 'Ta' so that they associated a Thank-you word with receiving something.

Never too young to start.

Definetly keep going with teaching manners. I do exactly the same with my DS who is 4 - he quite often gets told to just be happy with what he has got, to not whinge if he gets something he already has and to say thank you. I can't stand people and children who are ungrateful and moan when someone gives them something just because it isn't exactly what they wanted.

Allow me a reminiscence here about how teaching manners can go wrong.

I was at the cinema; mother and child, I guess 5, behind me.

CHILD Mummy, I can't see because of that man's big fat head!
MOTHER Johnny, your manners!
CHILD I mean that gentleman's big fat head!

So I moved myself, big fat head and all, leaving mother mortified.