living with parents, i need some help

[MysticMugBug]

To give some background, i am a 24 year old graduate living at home, trying to find a job.
My mum is controlling and critical, yet can be fine. I am better at being assertive to her than i used to, but it is no wonder that i grew up wanting to seek approval from everybody i met coupled with suicidal thoughts pre teen.
I would move out in a heart beat if i had the funds, my mum can make me very sad sometimes with her assumptions and shouting .
The fact that i have adhd, something that she is ashamed of, and is never discussed makes it worse. I can be childish, but not spiteful or in a negative way, other than being repeatedly described as annoying.
She rarely says anything good about me, but has attacks hard.
While i defend myself, i respect her and treat her nicely.
It might go without saying that i had a difficult upbringing, i've gradually introduced my past of bullying, but my excitable behaviour and bad school reports were things i was made to think were all my fault.
Like i said, it's getting better due to confrontation, but any advice on tactics that i have not thought of?
Tia x

Hi Mystic

I am so sorry that you are having to live in such a toxic atmosphere.

I suffered with similar mental health issues in my teenage years and for similar reasons. I found counselling very helpful. It helped me to understand that many of the things I had been blamed for over the year were not my fault. I think that is one of the first things you need to tackle as it will help rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.

I would also highly recommend doing anything creative or active (such as art, writing a diary, ice-skating etc) as it can be a wonderful way of releasing your emotions.

It may not be possible at the moment, but I think you should focus on moving out of your mums house as soon as possible. I found that once I was away from everything (I moved to a different country) and everyone I was able to discover who I really was without being tainted by everyone elses views, and I started to love myself again.

As things are volatile between you and your mum, face to face communication may not be the best way to tell her how you feel. Have you tried writing her a letter?

I hope you find some peace with yourself and that your mum becomes more receptive and accepting of you x

That does sound a difficult situation to be living in.

How often do you get yourself out and about? With friends/hobbies etc.

What kinds of things would you like to work towards? Working and living where you are or moving out completely?

How you deal with it depends on what you'd like to do long term. Looking in to how to improve the relationship you have with your mum (which you're doing anyway) is going to be more important if you want to stay there for a bit.

If you want to move out, then make it happen! (If only it were that easy.)

There are going to be people who can give you advice on how you can go about it though, it's a bit of a leap but definitely worth it in the end, and your relationship with your mum will probably improve into the bargain.

Thanks, everyone.
I am not perfect, but i'm a kind, decent person. Like i said, things can often be fine.
It doesn't help that i am sensitive, but i think i have a right to feel the way i do.
I went to uni for 4 years and loved the freedom and the genuine friends i'd never had before. I also grew up considerably, as people do. I got more confident and learnt alot about myself.
I miss my friends terribly, i am saving up to afford to move out in the near future (after september).
I am beginning a teaching assistant course that month at my mum's insistence. I DO want to do it, i will like it and will improve the likelihood of getting a job, but she is insisting on paying for it because i could never afford it at £900
It's the control issue again. I AM grateful for her funding that, but i wanted to move back with my friends sooner.
Mum is horrified at the fact that i might be living in a bed sit when i eventually move out. It won't be her living there, but it's mostly the 'what will the neighbours think?' mentality.
Unsurprisingly, i went thru a dangerously anxious phase aged 16-18 worrying about what others thought of me.
I can't move out right now because i have no other place to go and no money, plus alot of sentimental belongings that would get tossed out in her anger.

There are always difficulties when adults live together, doubly so when it's your mum because they always know how to push your buttons

You sound as though you've got a good idea about where you want to be though, you've just got to be strong and insist on how it plays out when your mum tries to influence you to do it her way. She's bound to be worried about you.

How are your neighbours going to know about you living in a bedsit FFS unless you're thinking of having them round for a house warming? She just won't mention it if it means that much to her.

Much better to be out in a bedsit and doing what you want than living the life your mum thinks you should. Just try not to burn any bridges with her so you can keep moving back home if things don't work out as a security blanket when you actually move.

It's going to work out fine, trust me

I don't have any advice to offer that others haven't already but just be strong and be proud of who you are

X ?? x

You sound lovely. Didn't want to read and run but hope you can move out soon (and where you live is your business) and that things work out for you.

How do you get on with your dad Mystic?

Can he mediate at all?

Thanks everyone!
Mumsnet is great bcoz i always find a mix of people that i would never in rl.
I have worked hard to boost my own confidence when nobody else would, but could do with some compliments to outweigh the criticism. I'm on AD's, too. I have no idea as to her reaction if she knew i took them.
She does love me, but she'd never say it. I ask her sometimes, she thinks i'm silly to need to ask
I am friendly and gregarious, but i still need to tell myself that everyday.
When i have a DC, i am determined to give them the best possible love and be accepting if they have any special needs. I will not shout or smack my child about the head/drag them by the hair (yes, that did happen, boils my blood), all because i disappointed my mother at school. I still need to be told that it wasn't my fault. If i hadn't have sought help/counselling whilst at uni, i would be the image of Dobby from HP, no joke.
I will be diplomatic and see things from my child's perspective. Yes, my DM was stressed and worried, she paid for my private ed, but no excuse for what she did imho. She might deny it now, it's never talked about.
Thanks for listening everyone, it helps.

He backs my mum up, but a weak version, Agent.
He avoids confrontation and arguments like myself, but some things need to be said to avoid greater injustice. I love them both, i tell them every day, but it's bloody hard.
If it makes it any diff, my mum gives me money 4 driving lessons and drinks out with mates, she knows i am saving to move out and i'm on JSA.
I do pay for my own stuff regularly tho.
I get her nice stuff on the cheap i got her a yellow rose from poundland that she loves and other bits and bobs.
Bcoz i care, i habitually check that she can afford to live comfortably, she assures me she can.
Like i said before, we have our good times, but hey.