To think it's different when a mother leaves?

[Anonynony]

like other people's opinions on it.

My mam left me and my dad when I was 11 or 12 (on Easter Sunday actually!) to rent a little bedsit and just do her own thing really. I always thought this was really cool and had her on a massive pedestal until after she died nearly 3 years ago. Her sister also left her husband and all her kids to move abroad and also just do her own thing.

It's only since I've had my little girl (just before my mam died) that I've looked back at the situation and been incredibly hurt by it. I hate to be sexist and am usually very liberal and open minded but I just can't get my head around this at all. My daughter stays with her dad one night a week and I miss her so much when she's gone (however I also welcome the break and love that she spends quality time with her dad), I can't imagine ever ever just leaving her for ANY reason.
In saying that, there was a thread here a few years back by a woman who wasn't the full time parent or whatever the correct term is and someone commented that it was odd how she didn't have full custody and I ate him, wanting really badly for it to be normalized and I didn't like seeing her condemned, but now I'm left feeling a bit of a hypocrite because somehow I do think it's a bit different.

So I'm just wondering what people's opinions are on a woman being the one to leave and also and most importantly, this is a serious scary fear that plagues me, what if I wake up one day and that maternal instinct has vanished and I end up like my own mam and aunty? It sounds stupid I know but could it be something in the genes or a lacking somewhere?

My mother walked out when I was 14 - left me & my 4siblings. Was tough.
Since having my doc she's turned round & told me she was never very maternal! Tell me something I don't know!!!!
We didn't speak for yrs & then got friendly again but then she's been heartless yet again but not as a mother but a heartless grandmother- this makes it worse! I can deal with it but my doc should have a grandmother who makes a bit of an effort- surely?!
I also fear what you do but I think the fact that we're thinking of this means highly unlikely to walk out

This must be quite a hard time of year for you. Eat chocolate, be nice to yourself.

I don't have any direct experience, although my dm and her mum did end up having a very odd relationship where they didn't see each other in her later years, but had never fallen out.

My not very coherent thoughts are that although I like to believe that men and women shouldn't be defined by gender, and that men can be fantastic primary parents - a widower whose dc's are the exact same age as mine springs to mind - I do think it somehow feels different men or women leave the family. Maybe it's evolutionary, who knows.

In your situation I think this really natural to be questioning, but there's absolutely no reason for your life to pan out the same way. Do you know much about your mum and aunt's upbringing, or your gran? Might they both have felt pressure to make a certain type of marriage, and then realised that wasn't the right path of them?

Tbh i can't honestly say it is different and I'm saying this as someone who'd dad left then mum left. Both hurts and at some point you grieve for what you lost relationship wise.

I'm not sure if it could be a genetic thing but as well as above i have an aunt who left her oldest dc and went on to eventually down later in life.

I have 5 dc's and I'm like you I can't imagine ever leaving any of mine. My oldest is 10 so I'm long past the age mine left me. If anything its made me more determined to be a better parent and not do what she did. I do still get scared sometimes that i could turn into her, normally after a bad day (dc2 has sn) but i remind myself I'm not her and my choices aren't hers. I hope that makes sense.

It is really sad ans really hard to understand, I dont think I could understand it fully. But I do think women have so so much pressure on them to be perfect mums, cleaners, lovers, cooks, diary organisers, drivers, admin etc etc that I can understand someone just saying 'fuck it' and walking out.
Like another poster said, do you know much about her upbringing?

My DM left when I was 9 but she remained very involved in my life, she was still a mother to me - just one I didn't live with.
I know her reasons for leaving us with my DF and believe that she thought she was doing the best thing for us all.
I can't picture myself doing the same thing but I can understand and respect her choices.
If it had been the other way round and DF had left (but remained similarly involved) I don't think it would have been much different.

What your mum did was incredibly hurtful. You must have felt so abandoned. I guess you managed your feelings of abandonment by framing it in your mind as something cool and off the wall, as a way to cope.

However maybe this coping mechanism is falling away now you have your own child.

Thanks for the replies everyone and I'm sorry to those of you who have experienced similar.

Their upbringing wasn't nice, a controlling mother who only loved the boys (myself and the cousins whose mother's left us are all girls actually), ten kids in all and the vast majority were/are very peculiar. Enormous pressure academically and most did very well but most are now dead to suicide/alcoholism etc and one in a mental institution (Oh God, now I'm really fearing for my genes )

I'm relieved to hear others say they have the same fears I do, I'm afraid to admit it in real life, I said it to my dad but he just said they're all barmy and that she left him, not me (hmm)

I'm just surprised at my delayed anger/hurt by it really and a bit shocked at the total turnaround of my opinion on it.

Hello to both of you.
It must be a hard cross to (bare?)
There is somebody close to me who did this, I am convinced it was psychosis, but the hospital wouldn't listen and she went, just ran.
She would say exactly the same she wasn't maternal, too selfish, not cut out for it.
I realise this is the bravado and deep down they are really crying out for help.
Have they been able to hold down any long term relationships?
The person I know has just gone from one disaster to another, eventually falling out with or distancing herself from others.
I know this is just one person, but the not being maternal struck a chord with me. She is an adopted person and about 7 years ago find out her bm did exactly the same thing and has been in institutions for a lot of her life.

There is nothing, nothing like the birth of a first child that will bring out unresolved mother issues. I went through similar (I chose to live with her, but she'd have left had I refused to go. My other siblings stayed behind), but hand on heart, she did the best she could. She loved us all fiercely. She chose not to live a life that would have made her desperately unhappy and resentful. She was brave.

I think it's definitely going to be different if the primary carer leaves, as opposed to the secondary carer, whichever parent is which.

Beyond that, I don't know, because picking out innate instincts, from social/cultural values is not something I'm qualified for. I do think that if you were male, and it had been your father who left, you'd probably be reassessing what you thought about it, now you have a child of your own. But maybe differently, due to gender issues around parenting?

But regardless of all that... genes don't dictate everything. Nurture and insight one's own upbringing about it are rather important. You're not even a clone of your mother! You only share roughly 50% of your genes with her!

Don't worry. You're not going to suddenly morph into your mother and go off to Madeira. You're a different person, had a different upbringing and live in a different Britain. All very important factors.

I'm one of those people! When the relationship broke down I decided to leave my son with his dad and I have him at weekends. It's not about being less maternal, and in my case not because I wanted to do my own thing. My reasons, for what they're worth, were my ex had taken over the childcare for the previous six months as I worked full-time and he ran a business from home, so he could pick him up from school etc and I would have had to use after school care, it was his property which I moved into with him and so I felt it was more stable for my son, and he had close, non-dysfunctional family who were there to help him - I didn't have any family. 9 years on my son is a well balanced, loving young man who knows I and his dad love him and flits between two homes.
Was it easy? Hell no. I don't honestly know how I coped with not having my son. Was it the right decision? Definitely. Unfortunately, if a relationship breaks down one parent has to move out, it's not about not being able to manage it,it's about what is best for the child.
I'm sorry for those of you who lost your mum's and didn't have a relationship with her, I know well what difficulties you face without one.

I am sorry I missed your last post before mine.

The child has now grown up and has a daughter of her own. She is a brilliant mum and although I'm not in contact with her I see her on fb sometimes and secretly pm without telling her mum, obviously.
She knows that if ever she feels like she could leave herself to seek help. I think every female in the universe has told her this.
Even if it is a genetic trait, we don't always follow our genes.

You know that you would get help and you would seek it. You sound like a fantastic mum, who will probably never feel like your mum did.

if im totally honest if a mother leaves i do judge more than if it was a man

my friends mother left her and her sis when they were both teens to run of 200 miles away with a bum,when my friend left home she and hersis ended up living in the area there mother moved to

the dad was so upset though never stopped or tried to keep them in his area,but always felt for him and how hard it must of been for him,bringing up 2 teenage girls,no family to help,worked full time and there was no tax credits etc ,he really did have it hard more so being a man

the girls adored there mum even though she really let them down and c clearly choose to live 200miles away to be with a guy

he done a fantastic job

My parents separated and after a couple of weeks my mum decided she didn't want my brother and I, but she did keep my sister. I was 3 at the time and I saw her on a Sunday afternoon( never overnight or for holidays) I spent my childhood trying to please her- I felt I must be to blame. She never once true to explain what happened. When I had my own dd it really hit me and despite cellar eying on seeing my mum I started to dislike her intensely. I couldn't understand how she could do it, then never offer an explanation. ( I was told by other relatives that she did she didn't want to 'be lumbered with several children')

I'm nearly 50 now and I still feel angry towards her, it'll never be resolved though as she died very suddenly at the age if 60. She had very few friends and all 4 I her children were estranged from her. It's all so sad and unnecessary and I wish I'd got to the bottom of why it all happened.

My mum and dad emigrated taking my 4
Siblings and left me to fend for myself at 20 sold house etc I had to get a flat no financial help etc, it's only these last few years watching my children grow up I just can't imagine buggering off and leaving one behind however good the job opportunity was before they left we were quite close now it's just very distant.
The other scenario I have come across that made me think was
My Friends daughter emigrated and I was shocked at how bereft she was spending Xmas
Away from her daughter etc my mum
Never seemed to be bothered.

Now she is a redcoat Not a granny we visit For holidays and she comes here
But there is no quality granny time just the whirlwind entertainment core sad tho my kids don't know her and she has grandchildren were she lives and is like the perfect granny days out sleepovers etc really sad that she just walked away and never really looked back :-/

Bragmatic, your first sentence is so true. I wish I'd read it 13 years ago, when my DD was baby and I was so conflicted. It may have prompted me to get the help I needed at the time.

Sadly my DM died 8 years ago. We didn't have time to resolve things fully, and I'm not sure we even could have - but we did love each other.

I just want to suggest to anyone who experiences similar feelings which are really dragging you down, see your GP. I didn't until I realised I would feel that way until the day I died, and reached the point where it seemed an attractive option.

There is certainly something about motherhood and maturity which brings unresolved issues to a head.

Seeing your life as a child through the eyes of an adult can be uncomfortable at best and deeply distressing at worst.

Well in my subjective experience I have known/know many, many more crap dads than mums in terms of adequate parenting. In my own case my DM died when I was 13 and my parenting immediately stopped even though I was living with my dad. I raised myself from that point.

As much as nurture is very influential in terms of socailizing us to be adequate parents, growing your own baby as a woman and breastfeeding her/him for years makes it very hard to imagine leaving them. I was physically/mentally suffering after my third and remember longing to run away once as I felt so overwhelmed due to no emotional support at all but I didn't.

OP I think developmentally in our teens we are more likely to need to make ourselves the hero/heroine of an exciting narrative so that may be why you explained your mother's behavior to yourself the way you did. Only now are you confronting the reality of leaving your own flesh and blood.

It's not different. Any time a parent ups and leaves us hard. But my mother left the family home as at the time she had a job that meant she worked away and my dad was better suited to being the resident parent, it was what was best.

This is making me very sad. Not only for the people here who have suffered abandonment - but for my daughter. Her father left and she was so shocked she became very ill. She is still not back on track and clearly many issues have emerged. She has gone from happy funny little monkey to a paranoid, angry, unmotivated person. I could never ever leave my child. I don't there should be a difference in perception about men and women who leave however. My MIL has used the 'Oh well my husband left - men do that' line, which is infuriating.

But hugs to those who were left behind.

I don't think it is different. There seems to be a shadow of opinion (in general, not on this thread) that lone fathers are saintly compared to your bog standard lone mother. Men are expected to fall apart without a woman there to guide them and the ability to hold it all together is seen as a tremendous feat for a man.

It's interesting that people are saying to seek help. I've been on ADs for nearly a year and I know deep down it's to do with my mother leaving. I have blamed it on a recent traumatic event but I know the anxiety I feel, has been there since I was a little girl.

I think there is a world of difference between a mother (or father for that matter) abandoning his children, vs leaving the family home.

Also, there are plenty of threads on the relationships board about parents who were physically around, but not actually there for their children.

My mother left with her OM (my dad's best friend) the day after Mother's Day.

I've had years of therapy, mainly after I had my dc - because it was then I realised just how awful it all was.

I'm NC now with her and that's the best option for me. My dad is the best mother I ever had, and I'm very close friends with my Stepmum (who dad met on the day his divorce was finalised!).

I've done my best with my mother but as she blanked me at my Gran's funeral and was very "off" with dd1 (13 at the time) talking to her at my brothers wedding (I was blanked there too) I'm just glad that there are no further events I'd be expected to see her at. Her husband is narcissistic and she enables that - I'm frankly quite glad to be out of it all!

My mother left when I was 7 Years old. She ran away.

I have had limited contact with her for 19 years. I was lucky in that I have a really good dad. I think what the parent you are left with is like probably affects how much not having one parent around affects you

My DM was left in the care of her DF lucky enough (siblings went to Dr Barnardos) and my DM is grateful for that as her M was a nasty piece of work.
My dh was left with his dc when their M ran off with another man. The kids thrived in his care but for reasons even he doesn't know she came crawling back when the OM dumped her and he took her back and the kids have run riot ever since. So they would have been better off if dh's ex had never come back and she clearly didn't miss them as he had to force her to visit. Personally I can't stand it when my dc are away from me. I miss them so much it. I have a dc with SN and even though she's hard work and their are lots of things we can't do because of her problems I don't care I love all my dc and wouldn't be without them for anyone or anything in the whole world.