to ask at what age you can expect some gratitude from your dc?

[Sampanther]

Apologies in advance if this is a rant.

Dd is nearly 7. Her dad and I have been separated since I was pregnant and since then he's seen her the bare minimum - recently it's two days per month. Dd thinks the sun shines out of his backside. He openly tells her about the trips he, his gf and their son have been on without dd, tells her about holidays abroad and nights out etc. He promises the world and lets her down every time without fail, yet she always excuses him.

He's off at the moment as it's a bank holiday weekend but didn't want to have dd. However, he did do her the honour of popping in today on the way back from a day out with his gf and their son to drop off an Easter egg for her. Half hour later she'd made a card for them telling them they're the 'best daddy, mummy and brother in the world.' He is encouraging her to call the gf mummy because 'she's her brothers mum, so that pretty much makes her her mum too' They've been together for two years.

During the Easter holidays we've been away camping, had three big days out, two playdates, an Easter egg hunt, an Easter party, made Easter cakes and crafts and an sleepover with her friends. Her dad spares five fucking minutes and about two quid and he's a hero....!

I do absolutely everything for dd while he contributes nothing besides this calling the gf mummy crap and still, she thinks hes magnificent. I know she's young still, but surely there comes a point where a little gratitude should be shown? I know it wouldn't be an issue if it weren't for him as I just do what parents do but right now I really feel like not bothering to do anything above and beyond for her because she currently has zero appreciation.

You sound angry and jealous (and rightly so) of your ex, and i think you're misdirecting it at your daughter. She's only a child. She doesn't understand what it means to be a parent or have such responsibility. Nor should she have to.

I think it's good to rant on here, if it means you don't voice your frustrations to her.

At about 13 the sun will stop shining out his arse and by 17 will realise what a useless selfish prick he is but still hurts child to know that they fall down the list of priorities by other parent and still have that hope maybe one day they will change. (Speaking of my own dd) you just have to be there to pick up pieces and reassure them that you are there no matter what.

What Juniper said.

Precisely newt that was the point of my rant as I had to bite my tongue so hard yesterday while she was telling me about how he couldn't afford some cream she needed, or to have her over in the holidays but is now off on holiday for a fortnight...! Oh but it's ok, because he'll be really kind and send her a postcard....if he's not too busy...!

Oh dear

I was that child Sampanther. My bio father left when I was 3 and we only had intermittent contact and he led (and still leads) a very glamorous lifestyle that I was in awe of (luxury holidays, lots of money, huge houses etc). When I was about 5 my DM gave me a story book as a little gift, I wrote inside it

'Dear Cunk,
I love you so much.
Love from Dad.'

I hate the thought of what that did to my DM (who was working 3 jobs to try and financially support me and my DB), I bet it crushed her. She never mentioned it though.

My point is that I was projecting an image of what I wanted my relationship to be like with my bio dad and felt I had to make it up as the alternative was too emotionally upsetting to deal with.

I realised when I was a teen what my DM had done and once I became a mother myself, well, I worship the ground she walks on.

Please don't let your DD see your frustration, vent to friends and on here as it is just horrible to witness.

I for have masses of advice just wanted to handhold really. That honestly sounds awful and it must be so heart breaking

My Ds has just turned 7 and I'm also not with his bio dad. The difference is my Ds knows that his dad is a waste of space and and it's dp and I that do all of the actual 'parenting'. I don't know why this is but obviously it makes it easier for me as he never had his dad on a pedestal/never expects anything other then the bare minimum from him.

You ex should be ashamed of himself, he sounds completely manipulative and telling a little girl to call another woman mummy on those grounds is horrid!

I am 100% sure that in years to come your dd will see what's really been going on and appreciate what you have done all the more. But I'm also sure that when that happens it'll be just as heartbreaking for her then as it is for you now. Thankfully she has your support and she will get through it.

I can fully understand you feeling like this OP. But you have to remember that what this is all about is your dd wanting his approval. And I have no doubt that one day she will see things as they really are.

Please, any parent, never doubt your child's live ir appreciation for you.

As her mum, you are her world, even if she were to call other women "mummy" too, she will never everdoubt who her REAL mum is.

My cousin, now grown up, had this sort of relationship with his divorced "Disney dad", on the surface their relationship was good.

Last year at Christmas though, for a small reason, he suddenly blurted out " fuck you dad, don't tell me what to fo! You were never there for me when I needed you so butt out!"

We were shocked, he had never shown his feelings before!

OP, I think your DD, deep down, already knows she's not really part of his life. Even at 7 years old, she won't have missed that all his trips, stuff, etc, don't really include her.

She's still at the age when she thinks she can make things better with the cards, etc. The "if she tries to be better" sort of thinking. It won't be long before she gets the maturity to realise that actually, he doesn't really care as much as she thinks. And then it'll be you she turns to.

ynbu or silly to be upset at all. and unless youv been in that situation its hard not to feel hurt.

i felt this this morning actually.

ds's dad speack to them on xbox, suppodly every frieday. h e for got this friday, told them yesterday (sat) he was to to tried talk that day but promised today (sunday)
7 am they come running in asking to connect xbox life, where he tells them he about to watch a programe with his gf so cant talk right now.

ds1 came and shouted at me, thats its not fair he always does this.

than went back to message him that it was ok, he understood have a good night love you loads.

my point is. that they feel secure with you, they know, through your actions that you wont be going any where, they can count on you, that you do do stuff with them.

where as if they where to lets their dad know how much it upsets them, they run a risk of making them angry and not giving them the little time that they do.

my two think the sun shines out of their dad ass as well, god knows why, ds1 is starting to realizes he lets them down alot, but will still make excusses for him.

so no, i dont think you are being a child or being stupied. rant away and remeber that your dd does love you and when she is older and able to handle emotions better she will realize how much of a twat her dad really was!

Thanks for all your kind words. She's been lovely today and back to her normal, settled self. The sad thing is she barely mentions him in between seeing him and doesn't even consider that he might attend assemblies, shows etc. She has such low expectations of him that anything he manages is deemed as amazing in her eyes, whereas she doesn't even ask if I'll be there - she just knows. I hate him on her behalf but know it's pointless. Luckily I have a fab dp who provides a much better male role model for her.

I don't think she thinks he's amazing at all, how sad she is already making excuses for him and coming up with reasons why he can't buy her stuff or take her anywhere. I think deep down she wishes he was amazing but really she knows he's a bit rubbish and puts her second all the time.

You are always there for her and I totally get how you feel, as I feel unappreciated sometimes by my children and that's nothing to do with not being with their dad (I still am) but everything to do with them being a little self-centred and secure that you are always there.

It is hard, but she obviously feels she can say anything her dad says to you, even the hurtful stuff, so you must be doing something right in terms of being open and her being able to express herself.

You've answered your own question. She has such low expectations of him. If she wanted the pink trainers and you bought her the purple she will unleash hell as she knows you will still be there come what may. Him? No. She can test you, build up her self belief and self worth, begin to understand that behaviours are acceptable and unacceptable. Him? A wannabee Disney dad.

Don't underestimate your dd . She knows that he 'dad' is a waste of space.
My dm was a single mother . I only really appreciated her when I had my own children.
My father was too busy enjoying his life to bother with myself and my siblings, which is why we are indifferent towards him now, which upsets him . However, we dote on my mother

Poor little girl. Its really hard for her. She knows you love her, she doesn't have to work at keeping your interest. Thats how it should be. She doesn't need to show you gratitude, she's just a baby. Look at it from where she's coming from. Her dads a waste of space, but he's her dad. She wants his interest. Obviously. Its heartbreaking really.

About 25 years old perhaps?

I read the thread title and came on here to say this^, but ForalltheSaints beat me to it.

Mine are both mid 20's by the way.

Also what Custardo said - only when i had kids did i appreciate what my mum did.