To not feel good enough?

[extremepie]

Inspired by another thread about good parenting!

I love my children but I don't think I'm a good parent, I don't even feel good enough :(

I hate being a SAHP and if I had any choice in the matter I wouldn't be - before ExH left I was the sole earner and he was a SAHD, then he moved to the other end of the country when we spilt so I had no choice to give up work. DS2 has ASD so very difficult so find childcare and even if I could find it I'm not a high earner so I can't afford it :(

Sick of having no life, sick of having no friends, no social life. My family all live elsewhere in the country and I can't move to be closer to them.

All this means that, especially over the holidays I am pretty much with the kids 24/7 and I feel like I'm terrible at it - I don't want to do stuff with them most of the time because I just want a break or some help - I'm constantly tired and just want to hide in my bedroom and lock the door so they leave me alone :( Not all the time obviously but I feel like they are missing out because I'm not better.

My social worker suggests that I seek counciling or go to the GP but I don't feel depressed I just want some help and I feel like going and talking about my problems is pointless - the GP is not going to be able to arrange childcare so I can go back to work, or have a night out etc and that is what I need to feel better!

Feel awful :(

I feel like I've been listening to ds2 scream and bang his head or throw himself on the floor for the entire holiday and I am sick to death of it, have no one to take over even for a minute and I'm so fucking fed up :(

You say you don't feel depressed but the tone of your op definitely indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed and unhappy.

I don't really know what to suggest but accepting there may be a problem is a good place to start. I had PND when my little ones were tiny and accepting there was a problem was extremely hard but once I had accepted that things started to get easier.

Maybe your SW has a point. The doctor may be able to help with some counselling or some courses to get you out and meeting other people.

I know how it feels, OP. Never having a break is exhausting. Being a SAHP with no support is relentless.

How old are your DCs?

I have been depressed before and it doesn't feel quite the same but yes definitely overwhelmed and unhappy - I just don't feel like talking to a councillor or GP will help solve anything, it won't give me any solutions! What I need is childcare, a job, a course so I can retrain and do something with my life and going to the GP won't do that :(

Ds2 only goes to school part time so I only have 4 hours in the mornings mon-fri in which to do anything for myself and none of the courses I've looked into operate in those times :( Just feel a bit hopeless!

They are 7&6 Charlotte :) I do love them but I feel that I'm not good enough to give them everything they need while I am feeling like this - I can do the basics but I feel like that isn't enough and I just don't have the physical or mental energy at the moment to give any more :(

Have you considered Open University?

You can train at any time convienent to you, and there is funding available if your on benefits/low income.

Presumably he won't be part-time for ever? In the meantime, get outside with them whenever you feel too cooped up - it can be a real effort to get them out, but usually everything seems better with a bit of fresh air (or puddle stomping, depending on the weather).

The other thing to do is to develop your DC's friendships. When I first moved here, I invited the DC's new friends and potential friends over - meant a few chats with parents on the doorstep, and invitations for my DCs back to their houses, which in turn has built me a support network.

Toddler groups? Other events or activities? Playground? Church? All good places to exist alongside other people for a while and at least feel you've had some human contact.

Could you be on the defensive with regards to the GP and counselling? Could you get tax credits to cover any Childcare? It sounds like at this point, even a small break would be great!

Did you say DC are 7 and 6? How come they are only part time in school? Or have I misread there?

Ok, scrap toddler groups - xpost!

I think you have a fair point, that you can't do it all yourself. It is far too full-on and demanding. You need a support network, but unfortunately that takes time to build up.

The first thing to do is to look after yourself. That means good food, exercise, sleep, avoid people or situations that you find draining.

But honestly, it sucks. It's not what we imagined for our families, is it?

And next holiday, plan a trip to your family so that you can get some support with the entertaining of the DCs!

Is XH supporting you financially at all? Will he see the DCs at some point or has he just abandoned you all?

What a lot you have on your plate. No wonder you feel overwhelmed by it and isolated.

You say XH has moved a long way away and your family is also a long way away- could you move elsewhere nearer to family and friends. I would do this if I were left on my own with the children as I would feel very isolated as indeed you do.

I also think the SN board on MN has the reputation for being really helpful and sympathetic, it might be worth posting there as well as they may have more practical suggestions on how to get support in your situation.

You are good enough- better than a dad who is miles away anyway, it is so often the mums left to pick up the pieces.

No it isn't all at Charlotte :(

Ex was supposed to come to visit over Easter but didn't, doesn't really support us financially, speak to them over the phone but he isn't here to help and doesn't have to listen to ds1 crying because he misses his dad :(