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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

upset by the possibility of only having 3 months maternity leave

43 replies

Melissamissa · 19/04/2014 18:28

Hi everyone, sorry this is rather long and rambling....

this might also be the wrong place on the forum to put this question, but I could do with some advice and maybe reassurance from people who have for whatever reason taken very short maternity leave. I am not sure if I'm being reasonable in being so worried about only taking 3 months off.

I'm from the UK but have been living in the UK for ten years. I got married recently and my partner and I (we are in our early 30s) really really want to start having children... But because I'm working in the US I will only get 3 months maternity leave and the idea of having so little time is really breaking my heart. I just can't imagine it.

I have lived in the US long enough to know that even 3 months is generous here (American friends of ours went back to work after one month and thought they were lucky). But I guess because I'm from the UK I always imagined that I'd be able to take more time to bond with my baby and look after him or her, and I think I've always thought of that 9 months as something that would be a really special part of my life.

Plus, without being alarmist, there are a couple of serious genetic issues in my family and while it's not a massive risk, there is the possibility that my baby might have some serious health problems when he or she is born that we would have to deal with in the first year. Its not likely, but the possibility is there and something I need to consider.

It would make more sense for my husband to be the stay at home parent in the longer term because his salary couldn't support us, and given how we each respectively feel about our jobs we would both be much happier with this arrangement. But as much as I love my work, I am really having a hard time persuading myself that I'll be ok with going back to work after 3 months and missing that first stage.

I've thought about the option of us moving back to the UK, but the restrictions on visas to bring non-EU spouses home have got so tough recently that (for reasons I won't go into here) it could take several more years before we could consider doing that. Then I'd have to work at a job long enough to qualify for maternity leave, which altogether could mean I'd be in my mid/late 30s before we even start! So that's not really viable.

So I guess I'd just like some realistic points of view from other mothers who have gone back to work after 3 months or so, to let me know whether I'm being unreasonably upset about this. Thanks!

OP posts:

Gen35 · 19/04/2014 20:50

I agree with boom booms, i found things can be negotiated such as leave, flexibility etc somewhat. It costs money to replace people and train them. Have you sat down and discussed with your boss?

Pilesofironing · 19/04/2014 20:55

I went back to work at 4 months (2 months adjusted age as baby was 2 months prem) and 5 months. We all managed just fine. I think kids actually need you more when they are getting to teenage.

Where I now work maternity leave is usually a year or more. I think it must be much harder for mum to go back to work when the baby is almost walking and will miss you more.

CaptainSinker · 19/04/2014 20:58

I think having your DH as a SAHD will make a huge difference. It will be hard but you will soon get into a routine and will be reassured that your baby with your DH. Depending on your work/schedule there might be options like meeting DH and baby for lunch sometimes, or having a quick skype/FaceTime call.

WyrdByrd · 19/04/2014 21:32

My DD was a little over 4 months when I went back to work.

I had a less than brilliant pregnancy & labour/delivery. DD had jaundice and was incredibly colicky. I had an infection in my EMCS wound and was diagnosed with severe PND at my 3 month check.

In spite of all that I found it a lot easier going back to work (albeit part time & with family looking after DD) that I expected.

I do look back and feel a bit cheated with regard to the first few months of my daughter's life, because it was a very stressful and upsetting time and I wish I'd been asked to enjoy it more, but I have no regrets about when I went back to work.

Two of my friends had their DCs within 10 days of me. One went back after 9 months, one after a year - I would have found that so much harder as by that stage we were more settled and I was really enjoying motherhood.

Nearly 10 years later I can honestly say it's had no impact on my relationship with DD - I have continued to work throughout her life and we are as close as it's possible to be .

MariaJenny · 20/04/2014 08:11

Pilesof - my view too. Go back at a year and child has huge emotional wrench go back at 2 weeks as I did or 2 or 3 months as used to be the UK norm when I had my first children and there is no such wrench. So in a sense a mother (or father for that matter) staying home for a year could arguably be said to be indulging herself and putting her own needs above that of the children which isn't necessarily wrong but not the way you ever see it put.

I certainly can see no difference in my relationship with the children due to my having gone back earlier than many at all.

Lonecatwithkitten · 20/04/2014 08:48

I run my own 24/7 business so having anyone cover me for more than 3 months was financially prohibitive at the time. What I notice was that starting at nursery at 3 months was settled and it was her second home by the time separation anxiety set in so I didn't have those awful mornings peeling the tearful child of me and hand them to a member of staff and walking away.
As others have said now my business is more secure I have been able to take more time since she was 6 years old (she's 10 now) and DD will remember this far more as an adult. Our bond is fab.

Gen35 · 20/04/2014 10:25

Also consider your relationship with your own dad, my dad only ever took us out Sunday afternoons and certainly didn't take paternity leave. My mum was a sahm but I can't say I'm closer to her than my dad now or that I'm particularly grateful she gave up working - I'd rather she had worked tbh as she's quite depressed about her lack of 'worth' due to not working. So take a long term view, even if it's hard when the dc are small.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/04/2014 10:36

I think MariaJenny is Katie Hopkins.

I think you need to have a word with Sweden about their maternity leave, if shorter periods off are so much better. They're doing it all wrong.

janey68 · 20/04/2014 10:38

Another one here who returned when my dc was 12 weeks- because that's what the UK entitlement was, not that many years ago. I guess it was easier in that when its the norm and everyone around you is in a similar situation, you just accept it... I think that's the answer. Just accept that the situation is what it is, and then approach it with a positive mindset.

I would say the most challenging aspect of it was that physically it's tough... I was still ebf, and I still had night feeds to begin with. However I totally endorse what's been said about the emotional side: I think it's far easier to leave a baby at a few months than it is to start leaving them at around a year which is when separation anxiety peaks. My children settled in childcare very easily, whereas some of my young colleagues who are now taking a year off, are having a much tougher time settling their children in childcare. From your point of view it's psychologically easier too because you won't feel out of the loop with working life.

Yes, you will sometimes hear other mums of young babies saying 'goodness, I couldn't leave mine at 3 months'... But actually, yes, you can. Remember that whatever stage you return to work, you're probably initially going to feel a bit of a wrench... In the long term it makes no odds anyway, my teenagers are very well adjusted and normal!

pommedeterre · 20/04/2014 10:41

alis - maybe they are, who knows? I think the one thing I've learnt from having children is that there are no certainties, no black and white, no universal right way. I get confused by women who seem to have learnt the exact opposite!

NiceTabard · 20/04/2014 10:46

In the US what happens with people who have 2 weeks mat leave if they have a difficult birth or a CS or something else that means they are not able to return after a fortnight? Does anyone know?

MissDuke · 20/04/2014 11:52

I think you need to forget what is the 'norm' in the UK and look at what is the norm in the USA as that is where you live. Any baby can be born with serious health problems, it is something that no one can predict. Just enjoy every minute you have off, and see how you get on. Huge congrats on your pregnancy :-)

MissDuke · 20/04/2014 11:57

And I completely disagree with the poster above who said staying off a year is putting the mother's needs in front of the childs. That poster needs to read the most recent research on early brain development.

Everyone does what they can for the best of their child, it is wrong to blame mother's for doing everything they can within their situation. We saved for a year before becoming pregnant to enable me to take a year off, that wasn't just me putting my needs before my child's needs. If I hadn't been able to do that then I would have returned to work sooner, as I did with my first child (she was only 4 months). You can only do your best.

Groovee · 20/04/2014 12:02

I got 14 weeks when I had dd 14 years ago. I had a traumatic end to her pregnancy and struggled a lot and ended up not returning to work because of various things. It was what we got at the time and just had to get on with it.

The UK have become a lot more generous in the last 14 years as I just missed out on the 18 weeks which was introduced in times for all my friends. Most took around 5 months off.

jasminemai · 20/04/2014 12:08

Out of 3 maternities 2 of mine will have been 2 weeks. Its more tiring for me but doesnt really make any difference to my children.

lentilpot · 20/04/2014 12:16

My friend works in a nursery and says that in many ways the younger babies have an easier time of it - very young babies are less scared of new people and by the time separation anxiety kicks in they are already settled with trusted carers rather than just starting nursery in anew environment.

ImAThrillseekerBunny · 20/04/2014 12:23

Thousands of men go back to full time work when their babies are two weeks old, leaving them in the care of their other parent.

I can see why you're unhappy OP but you sound very sensible and I'm sure you'll make it work - as others have said you may even be able to negotiate something better with your employers once you're pg.

misog2000 · 20/04/2014 12:28

I will only be taking 3 months before returning 3 days a week for a further 3, I am the high earner so we can't afford for me to take any more anyway, but I would be putting the brakes on any chance of progression anytime soon if I was off too long so it's got to be done.

I am lucky in that grandparents have offered to do the childcare in the months I'm pt so I will have a bit longer to find a good nursery once baby arrives.

It's about what's right for you and your family, sure you will find a solution that is the best for all of you

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