AIBU to find this sort of eye 'contact' bizarre and unpleasant?

[SixImpossible]

When we're with the ILs, if either of them is telling us something that the other knows, they never look at us - the person they are talking to - but at each other. For example, FIL will tell dh and me about some gadget he and MIL bought together, but will not look at dh or me while doing so. Instead his gaze will remain fixed on MIL throughout. MIL does exactly the same.

It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and, in some bizarre way, excluded from a conversation that is actually aimed at me.

Surely you should be looking at the person you are talking to?

Dh does this, too, but to a lesser extent. I've been training him out of it by indicating that he should look at the person he's talking to, or saying "I know. Tell David." When we're with his parents he slips right back into this weird thing.

Does anyone else do this? Does it bug you? Or am I weirdly over-sensitive to be bothered by it?

That's weird alright!

Are they all quite shy? Sounds like they're seeking reassurance from the other person when telling a story.

They might be so in love that they can't take their eyes off each other

It's weird, but probably not deliberately rude.

I thought exactly what Swedish said, it sounds like they're looking to the other person to make signs they're backing them up.

Does the other person (whoever the talker is looking at) make nods/sounds of agreement/corrections if they get something 'wrong'?

How confident are they individually? Do they spend 24 hours together? Tell us more about how they are together. They wear matching distinctive jackets don't they?

I would find constant eye contact to make sure you're paying attention much more unnerving/annoying, but I can see why you'd want to know what's behind them needing the the other persons reassurance that, no, they're not lying.

My dad does that because my mum is touchy and demanding - he's looking for approval and anxiously searching her gave for signs that she's getting pissed off or wants to take over.

I find it horrible :(

Her face, not gave - autocorrect error

when talking I do not always use direct eye contact as it seems rude to be constantly staring at someone.

It is rude to constantly stare into someones eyes when you're talking to them Vic, but you'd usually flick between their eyes and stuff in your surroundings.

It's unusual to completely turn your attention onto someone else as though it's them you're talking to, and do it every. single. time.

You'd have to wonder WTF's going on.

Yep its a reassurance thing. Checking to see they're telling the story right/ saying the right thing. Is one or both of them a bit touchy if things arent done exactly their way?

How is your relationship with your PIL generally, OP? "Training" your dp sounds a bit, well, erm...

Fuck off OldLady.

Fucking stealth boasting that yours didn't need training.

()

I know. Tell David.

Oh how I'd laugh if my husband infantilised and humiliated me in this way.

I'd be especially pleased when I found out it was all part of training.

Maybe if I got it right, he'd let me sleep in the house or have extra walks.

Although as I am not a dog, and am in fact and adult woman who he chose to marry, none of this would happen.

It sounds like they lack confidence and seek reassurance and confirmation from the other person. Personally I find those who do the continuous eye contact thing to have a serial killer vibe, like they want to wear my skin. Its a balance, I'm sure you can get over it.

Agent,

There's ten tonnes more I want to say, but it's too late at night. :)

But the point about op's relationship with her il stands. I'm married 30 years, I'm not close to my MIL, but we tolerate each other. It took time to reach this point, I had years of petty shite with my MIL, and if MN had been around back then I'd have bitched posted about it.

A bit more peace, love and understanding wouldn't go amiss.

Although it seems longer I've only been married 14 years OldL, so a mere YTS in comparison to your sentence years of bliss

I've also have bitten my tongue on a number of occasions to keep the peace with my MIL like her bitching about me behind my back to my mum FFS.

She leaves me alone and I do the same, I really couldn't ask for more.

Ach, we're on the same page. But, exploring some of the shite I said I wouldn't, I have a v delicate dil, who finds offence wherever she can; damn sure dh and I would be making "is this ok?" eye-contact in convo with her.

(apologies to op, this may have gone in an unexpected direction, but that's MN for you.)

I think that was the point of the OPs post, that everything is going in the wrong direction.

Maybe it's her karma to be ignored while others have convos around her cleverly avoiding face to face bun fights

Oh they most definitely are fixed in the way things should be. I am a southerner, and a different religion, and I might as well be the daughter of the Man in the Moon. One of their earliest an most frequent comments to me used to be "Why must you be different?"

But as for reassurance, that's not how I read their faces. It's a fixed, expressionless stare. When I tell them about something dh and I have done, I will glance from one to the other, occasionally at dh, especially if mentioning him. Sharing attention.

I think they love each other, but he is a bit of a bully. He often treats MIL with contempt that to me is rude and disrespectful. Early on in our relationship, dh-to-be used the same sort of joking rudeness to me, but I reacted very sharply. I will not be treated that way. Maybe dh learned from his father how to express love and humour, but he can find his own way. And he did: we treat each other with love and respect, not nasty mockery.

Perhaps you consider that to be patronising as well? That I am treating my dh as a child or a puppy? Believe me, if dh feels patronised he tells me. Then either I apologise and stop doing it, or we have a short, sharp argument. Either way, within a day or two we both realise that something one of us is doing bothers the other, and we work out a way of compromising.

But dh lacks confidence in certain areas, and I am sure it his his father's influence.

BTW married for longer than AgentZigzag, but less time than OldLadyKnows. Reached the 'tolerance' stage. I think.