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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Well am I?

21 replies

Wooodpecker · 18/04/2014 23:15

DH and I are having a dispute so I thought I would get your perspetive. I shall try and be brief.

DH helped a friend with DIY today from 9 to 3. Then he returns for a snack it transpires he's going to the pub. I said thats unfair as I have been at home most of day on what should IMO be a family day. I suggest we all go as there is a playground which he says is fine as long as I know he will stay for a few beers whilst I take the children home . WTF.

I decline that offer and take the DCs to the park. The youngest falls off his bike and has a nasty injury. Not hospital bad but a fat lip, lots of blood and very shaken . He is only 5. I call home and catch DH about to leave and ask him to collect our son and I walk the others home . I really would have struggled to get him home.

Once DS settled DH goes to the pub as planned. Admittedly I think its crap and I would not have left as DS injury was nasty. Anyway an hour or so later DS is crying for his dad and I am struggling to deal with a 5 year old in pain and make tea for the others, bed time.etc. So I call DH and give the phone to DS who wimpers for him to come home.

DH come back and is now sulking and accusing me of being selfish and saying I was wrong to call him back as DS is fine and he even told DS the accident was my fault!

I didn't think it was fair he went out after being out most of the day. I would not have left DS myself but I only called him as his absence was adding to his distress.

AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/04/2014 23:20

Hand on heart, would you have phoned your DH if you had been happy for him to go to the pub?

EatShitDerek · 18/04/2014 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 18/04/2014 23:23

You are definately NBU! Your partner sounds very selfish - for wanting to go to the pub and leave you with all the childcare & vvvv unreasonable to have gone out after his child was injured. Is he usually so selfish and inconsiderate ?

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 18/04/2014 23:27

Totally depends really. If him going to the pub is very regular and nothing special I'd have asked him to nip home or stay in till ds was asleep

If he doesn't often get to go out then I'd have dealt with ds myself

All seems a tad dramatic over a fat lip though if I'm honest

Original poster

Wooodpecker · 18/04/2014 23:30

It's a chicken and egg situation for me. I didn't think he should have left anyway but particularly after our sons fall. If my son had not been crying for him I would not have called. And he was crying as he was distresed after the fall and his dad had gone out.

Bananas he canbe selfish as we all can be.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 18/04/2014 23:30

I want to ask also if you would have rang him and put your bairn on if you had ushered your bloke out of the door with a smile on your face?

Be honest, any excuse would have done to make him come home wouldn't it?

It's not bad that you wanted him there for support though and unfair that he left you to it all day. Does he go out a lot?

AgentZigzag · 18/04/2014 23:31

I can see how it could seem as though you've played on your DS wanting his dad, I'm not saying you did, but normally you'd just tell them daddy will be back later and give them a cuddle. Putting him on the phone is pressurising your DH with something he can't ignore, which is unfair.

But then he should have come to a compromise about going out, it's not on that he presumed you'd be OK with him leaving you on your todd. That's when you've got to get the boundary in the right place somewhere in the middle between asking your DP and telling them you're going out.

What's his thinking on you causing your DS to fall off his bike? Is that just something he's said in the heat of the moment? How did he phrase it? It's a shitty thing to say that to your DS, 5 YOs fall off their bikes all the time, why would he want your DS to think you caused it?

TheNightIsDark · 18/04/2014 23:32

It's a fat lip. Perspective may be needed on this one. I don't think asking your DP to come home from the pub was fair really.

Original poster

Wooodpecker · 18/04/2014 23:34

He goes out regularly .

I know it sounds dramatic but it was particularly nasty and i am normally pretty good with these things. I guess I was miffed he had already been out all day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wooodpecker · 18/04/2014 23:37

Hmmm MN decrees I am unreasonable then. Maybe so.

OP posts:

Joules68 · 18/04/2014 23:38

Is he with the person he did the DIY for?

AgentZigzag · 18/04/2014 23:39

It's OK to be miffed he'd been out all day, but you're on dodgy ground if you use (or look like you're using) your DS to bring him to heel.

What you're really looking for is for your DH to choose to spend his free time with you, it can hurt when you think they're not bothered.

Milmingebag · 18/04/2014 23:41

Do you get equal time off too?

NearTheWindymill · 18/04/2014 23:50

Was the DIY done for a friend who has helped you in the past OP? I'm not sure tbh. My DH has spent most of today resting on the bed. I appreciate he is completely knackered. I haven't done much except Sainsburys either and was a tad disgruntled when I got back to find the kitchen a shambles but it wasn't worth spoiling a day over.

WooWooOwl · 18/04/2014 23:51

Whatever YABU or not depends on what planned for the rest of the long weekend. If your DH is going to be around for the next three days then you are being over the top about him being out for most of today.

You seem to be making a very big deal over him helping a friend with a DIY thing today, and that's unfair, it's not like he was out on this piss. On a four day weekend I can't see why you can't each have a bit of time to yourselves as well as some nice quality family time.

Ruprekt · 18/04/2014 23:56

YABU

Because you would probably not have phoned him if he had been at work....you would have just dealt with it.

Am surprised you even called him to collect your ds from the park.

However, I can see why you were miffed and you should get some time off now too.

AgentZigzag · 19/04/2014 00:00

'Hmmm MN decrees I am unreasonable then. Maybe so.'

Hope you didn't tell him you were opening it up to a MN judgement you'll never hear the end of it if he's a sensible lad

Is this part of something bigger though?

You say he's off out regularly, how regularly? How much time do you spend together?

Original poster

Wooodpecker · 19/04/2014 07:07

Thanks all. Yes we both get time off and no its not part of a bigger picture.

DS s injury is more than a usual fat lip. He still looks like he has done a couple of rounds in the boxing ring. I think you would have to have seen it to see why I got DH to collect him. He was shaking and I don't think I would have got him home and knew DH was about.

Anyways. I will secretly admit to MN only that I probably did want DH home and although I didn't ask DS to ask for him it was no bad thing. I felt as he had been out all day then I shouldn't be left to it all evening as well. Particularly as one of them was in pain and it was feeding and bedtime for the others.

So I was unreasonable but I still think DH was as well.

Have a lovely Easter [tbusgrin]

OP posts:

Original poster

Wooodpecker · 19/04/2014 07:08

Messed up the bunny

OP posts:

Original poster

Wooodpecker · 19/04/2014 07:16

Re the accusation I had caused the accident. No idea what that was about. He told DS I should have been next to him. DH likes to lay the blame TBH I doubt it would have stopped him falling as he went head first over the handle bars.

I need to make breakfast for my gang so will step away from MN for the day. I can lose a day on here.

OP posts:

RedFocus · 19/04/2014 08:52

My exdh used to call me home from so many nights out that my friends refused to go out with me in the end. He would say one of the kids are ill. I would get home and everyone would be in bed fast asleep with no drama. I would go in my bedroom and my ex would be fast asleep
He used to go away a lot for work and I would call for a chat in the evenings and he would be in a club getting drunk and I couldn't say a word because his work paid for it all. I couldn't go out for months or see anyone because I couldn't drive back then and public transport was awful so nights out with my friends were rare and he knew that but still he did it every time.
There was no major reason you called your dh back other than you didn't want him to go and so you used your sons accident as an excuse.

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