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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off DS wants to find his dad?

21 replies

shitatusernames · 18/04/2014 20:08

I'm 35 now, DS is 17 nearly 18.
His dad hasn't seen him in 17 years, no contact what so ever, not stopped by me, he just never bothered turning up.

I was 17 when I had DS and left his dad due to violence and numerous times he cheated on me, the light switched on in my head and I actually plucked up the courage to leave. Move back to my mum's, cue numerous threats of suicide from him and threats to shoot us all, obviously involved the police.

Met my husband when I was 18 and have been married 10 years this year. Now I can understand his need to want to find his dad but I can't help but be worried about what will happen if he rejects him all over again, and it will be me and DH who will get the crap after, AIBU?

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 18/04/2014 20:11

YABU to be pissed off with him. He is his dad and, unfortunately, he need to find this out for himself. Does he have any idea of what your ex put you both through?

antimatter · 18/04/2014 20:13

Were you honest telling your son why you split with his dad?

jeanmiguelfangio · 18/04/2014 20:13

Yanbu to feel that way, not at all,in fact I think its probably pretty natural to feel that way. Ywbu to stop him, but I dont think thats what you would do.

Original poster

shitatusernames · 18/04/2014 20:14

Yes he does, he knows that his dad also knows where his nan and grandad lives but has never sent anything there or tried to get in touch, I know he has to find out for himself and I completely understand the need to, I've told him to go ahead but to prepare for rejection again.

Doesn't help being 30 weeks pregnant and emotional either.

OP posts:

Original poster

shitatusernames · 18/04/2014 20:16

Yes he knows antimatter, I just remember the threats to kill us etc and really don't want that shit to start again, I know it more than likely won't.

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Alisvolatpropiis · 18/04/2014 20:18

Yabu.

littlewhitebag · 18/04/2014 20:21

He is reaching adulthood and i guess he is making sense of his identity and who he is. It is a very normal part of growing up. I am sure he can work out for himself what an arse his dad is if he meets him.

Original poster

shitatusernames · 18/04/2014 20:29

Yes very true littlewhitebag, I'm not happy but accept he needs to do it, and it won't take him long to work it out, if he does want to see him it'll be to get what he can out of him.

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 18/04/2014 20:31

At almost exactly his age I sought out and contacted relations of f=my father with whom my DPs had - for good reasons; not like yours - cut off contact. My father was then dead; my DM not best pleased but accepted it. I met them once or twice, we had little in common and we drifted apart. They must be long dead now. I'm glad I did it; they were my relations.

And a father is much closer, like it or not.

So please don;t give him a hard time over this. He does not love you less because he wants - maybe once more in life - to meet his father. All the best to you, it can't be easy.

Original poster

shitatusernames · 18/04/2014 20:39

I'm trying not to be, I just don't want him to get hurt, and I really can't be part of it, it took me a long time to get over what he put me through.

Kids aye, wish I could have a

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littledrummergirl · 18/04/2014 21:32

My dm left my df when I was a baby/ toddler, although he was never abusive to her.
My dm married my ddad when I was four and we moved away. Df actually drank in my uncles pub yet only once tried to contact me (he asked if I could stay with him for a month when I was ten).
I was visiting my dgm with my parents when we bumped into him at my uncles pub. I had a very quick conflab with my parents, explained that I didnt want to upset anyone, especially ddad but I needed to have answers to questions about me. I needed to know how having this man as part of my life, even though he had never been in it had effected me.
My dm assured me that my ddad was confident in our relationship and that he understood my reasons.
I saw my df the next morning and we exchanged phone numbers and addresses. I phoned him once and it was excruciating, he has never phoned me.
I was 21 at the time, I have since got married and had 3 dcs. He has never met them.
I was always of the opinion that I have a mum and dad who love me and who I love. They play a large part of my life and I feel incredibly lucky to have them. Even if df had stayed in touch he would never have played a large part of my life, I dont think that I could have trusted him enough to get close.
Talk to your ds, let him know that you love him and will be there for him to answer any questions. Trust his judgement, you brought him up and instilled his values, just be there to help him through any tricky, difficult, hurtful times.
I think you have to try to put your feelings to one side and support him.
I am glad I was able to meet my df and understand him as an adult, it turned into a positive experience.

littledrummergirl · 18/04/2014 21:33

Sorry, long and rambling.

Original poster

shitatusernames · 18/04/2014 22:31

Thanks for sharing little, I'll make sure he knows I'll be there, I've calmed down now, and will see what happens x

OP posts:

Meloria · 18/04/2014 22:38

If he could be let down then your son needs your support, not you feeling pissed off with him. Put your own feelings to the side for his sake.

MrsMook · 19/04/2014 06:56

I got in touch with my father and his family that I'd never met. They were a young boyfriend and girlfriend, and weren't ready to deal with a serious relationship and parenthood. My mother hit the roof. She'd made her stance clear when I was in my late teens, and I respected her wishes for over a decade, before another opportunity arose. Fortunately in my case it's gone well and I have a good relationship with them. They are good people who long regretted the mistake they made. Sadly my mother has never attempted to understand my needs and feelings, and our relationship is permanently soured. Each of my life events since then has been soured by her theatrics in the buildup over who us coming, will she, won't she... I understand that my decision to get in touch stirred up difficult memories for her. I'm just sad that she made herself unapproachable over it, and has never accepted that I'm a grown adult with my own emotional needs and that my paternal family have changed in the last 30+ years.

It will be tough for you, and has potential to be tough for him, but being supportive with him is the least damaging path.

Delphiniumsblue · 19/04/2014 07:10

I think that littledrummergirl has very good advice. I can understand your feelings but this is the man he gets half his genes from and everyone needs to know who they are (most people anyway) and half the picture is not enough. If you and your DH have a good relationship you have nothing to fear from it. Be supportive.

mytimewillcome · 19/04/2014 07:37

I suppose this is an obvious comment to make but do you think you being pregnant has spurred him on? He sees you making your own nuclear family and feels on the sidelines? Having said that I think the advice that he needs to find out for himself what his father is like is good advice. Could his father have changed for the better 17 years on?

Original poster

shitatusernames · 19/04/2014 07:58

I'm not going to stand in his way, I do understand that he needs to do this, I was just emotional last night, this is my 4th baby, so this isn't new to him.

There wasn't just violence, there was drugs involved too (not with me, I've never took them), he injected and I knew I had to get away. Do I think he's changed in 17 years? Honestly? I doubt it, if he was a better person he would've tried to get in touch with him, I never stopped contact, I was advised by my solicitor to turn up after the 2nd time of no show and I did, surprise surprise, he never turned up, told me the maintenance money he was going to give me got spent on new trainers, he was a lovely person .

This is why I have my reservations, he couldn't have cared less back then, so why should he care now?

I will however be ok with DS him and support him.

OP posts:

sandgrown · 19/04/2014 08:19

Just allow him to try because it is so important to know your identity even if you then do nothing with the information. I speak from experience as been looking for my father for many years.

Original poster

shitatusernames · 19/04/2014 08:22

Oh I'm sorry sandgrown, I hope you find him.

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Original poster

shitatusernames · 19/04/2014 08:23

I'm not pissed off anymore

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