to feel my one 'close' friend has quietly ditched me and want to give up on the whole friendship debacle?

[Oddbod42]

I'm so fed up trying to make friends and maintain friendships when it feels like such a one way street so much of the time. I'm as sure as I can be that there's nothing seriously wrong with me - I'm a bit quiet and reserved at times but I'm kind, polite, occasionally funny, I don't mistreat people as a rule and, as far as I know, I don't smell hideously. But I don't seem to be able to hold onto friends - I find it hard to make them but seem to manage often enough and things go well while it's easy for them.

I've had seemingly fantastic friends while we've worked together or lived near each other or had something else very obvious in common - and I don't just mean polite acquaintances, I mean go out for lunch, spend evenings out, phone each other etc. But then if it becomes any harder for them or I become less 'useful' - ie, they move away, change jobs etc - they just seem to drift off, rarely contact me again and seem like it was all a bit of a sham. I know this happens a lot but it seems to happen to every single friendship I make - I'm struggling to think how's it's me putting them ALL off but other people manage to hold onto at least a couple of friends - I feel like I'm permanently hovering around 0.

Most recently it's hit me harder as I've realised my 'best friend' (who's often called herself that - it's not me being clingy!) is quietly ditching me as we've moved a couple of hours away so I can't just pop round or nip out for coffee anymore (although I've already visited her 3 times and she's said nothing about even trying to come and see me).

The move was planned for ages and talked over with her loads and she never had any problem with it so it's not like I've done a moonlight flit and pissed her off. Yet now she never phones me, I've stopped phoning her now as it's just embarrassing to be told she's in the middle of something and will phone me back but doesn't. She only texts or Facebooks me in reply to a message from me, and then seems more and more distant and not particularly bothered. Yet I'm good enough to be used in tags on FB to make it look like she's got loads of close friends.

I'm realising more and more that, especially since she's had a child, she's far more concerned about appearing popular than actually having friendships - I've seen her go OTT to befriend other people only to virtually ignore them after the initial 'honeymoon' period. I didn't think she was like that

It would be sad but understandable if it was just a realization that she didn't like me that much but was too nice to say, but I'm her ds's godmother (she asked me to be, didn't volunteer myself), she regularly calls me her best friend, we've been friends for over 8 years! It looks objectively like she was just using me for a friend while it suited her but even if I think that of her it can't apply to everyone. Should I just give up on having friends at all and become a recluse? (besides DH and DD!)

The vast majority of friendships are not lifelong. they are really more friendships of convenience, ime. That's not to say there's anything wrong with either party- both people can be really nice and actually genuinely like each other and get along well. But the whole point of it is that it's easy. You find people who you like and that it's easy to get together with and you spend time with them.

If something happens that changes that, then you move on, find other people.

Very few friendships are long distance, and they tend to be those made early in life for some reason. I don't know why. Bonding maybe? I don't know. It's just my observations, not a big survey or anything

I'd say just move on. Look around for people local that you get on ok with. Put her in your box of people you used to know/friends you had/someone you really liked who moved away and drop her down to your xmas card list.

It's really not you, I am sure there is nothing wrong with you. It's just, I dunno, people, really, as far as I have ever seen.

God I could have written that op.

Right now I sat lurking on mumsnet with crappy downloaded American TV on feeling like s* whilst my former local friends are all off at a BBQ that I haven't been invited to because it hosted by someone with whom I've had a disagreement. I live in a small isolated town. Been here less than 1 year and missing my friends and family 250miles away more than ever!

A lot of people think once you move from the area, the friendship is more or less over.

I imagine that most people don't have a 'best friend'. I know that I don't. I have friends that I've met through DC but I know that when they move on to school then most likely the friendship will drift. Also old friends from my old job. We kept in touch for a whilst but the gaps between seeing each other has opened up. People that I only keep in touch with through facebook and I see very rarely.

Truth is that we are all busy with our lives. We get caught up in family life and work which leaves little time for our friendships. Especially ones that are distance based.

Even people that I count as 'best friends' I often only see twice a year or so, and there are very few people that I call for a chat apart from family, as we're all so busy. I also find that when you don't see people frequently they are less involved in the minutiae of day to day life so you don't contact them as much iykwim. If she's just had a baby then maybe at the moment her priorities are sadly elsewhere at the moment. Give her a bit of time and don't contact her for a bit, see if she makes a move to contact you.

Thanks - maybe it's just happens more than I thought and I'm on the extreme end of normal friendships, just find it depressing that I don't even have one friend now that I could phone in the middle of the night if something incredible/awful happened, or even one that's likely to ring and ask how I am sometime this month.

Don't mean to dripfeed but it makes it worse because I'm getting married next January (just realised I called him DH in OP instead of DP ) and, besides family, this friend was the only friend I even considered inviting, anyone else seems too 'distant' now, I'd fully expect them to get an invite from me and think something like 'wtf, she must be scraping the bottom of the barrel - we haven't even spoken in months!'. Other people have at least a handful of friends at weddings, birthdays etc - I don't expect they're 'Friends' level of closeness but they're at least close enough to turn up to occasional events - I literally don't have anyone ('BF' excluded) I could even invite to something like that, which makes it feel even more like I literally have no friends, not even superficial 'meet up once in a blue moon' ones.

I doubt very much it's you.
Friendships need to be easy to work, no body makes time IME. It's all about convenience and "keeping up".
I can definitely relate to your post, not the godmother but, the rest. It's sad and leaves me questioning myself, but I do have a friend I met in the infant class over thirty years ago and we still get on brilliantly so I can't be that bad. :-)
Try not to over think these things, there is probably nothing to uncover. I've learnt to really enjoy catching up with friends I don't see that often and try to not worry about who rang who, more important to me is their reaction when I ring, it's nearly always very enthusiastic and that means so much.

I hardly ever ring people, my friendships are almost all conducted via Facebook and text, and I'd say that's pretty normal out of my friends. How long ago did you move away and when did she have a baby?

So sorry you feel down and lonely. This may be rubbish, but I have heard that some people feel very let down, angry even, when close friends move away. A bit like having been dumped, and they respond irrationally by going cold on them.

I agree with other posters that it isn't you personally - you sound lovely, but it is the way a lot of people view friendship. Very ashamed to say I do. Friendships tend to thrive when you are close by and have something immediately in common which is relevant at this time in your life. While I like and even love many of my old friends, we rarely get in touch, mainly because every day life is so full on, and there's so little time or money to be organising get-togethers when the day to day flow and familiarity of the friendship has gone.

It sounds like you need some new friendships locally. If you have DC, have you tried volunteering at a playgroup or school PTA to get to know other parents at a deeper level than just school gate nods? Do you have any interests that could help you get to know other people? Sport or music or book groups etc?

FWIW, I'd ask your old friend to be involved in your wedding. Ask her to be chief bridesmaid or some other key role that celebrates the friendship you've had over the years. Just because she's rubbish at getting in touch doesn't mean she won't want to be involved on the day.

Hope you feel better soon.

I feel the same to be honest.
We have moved house and area quite a few times over the last few years and every time I have to start all over again.
It's very lonely and I've sort of lost the energy to 'get out there' and meet more new people. With 2 children and one on the way it gets harder (though I'm sure I will drag myself round the mother and baby groups when this one is born in the vain hope I will find someone to talk to)
Sorry you feel this way, not much help really, hope things look up for you.

IME as your life moves on, so do friendships. I have no "best friend" as most people mean - haven't for the last 40 + years (since school) !
I have had lots of friendships through work, hobbies etc, but I find that when you no longer work together, or share the same hobby, the friendship gently fades away.

I am v lucky to have several sisters, and miraculously we all get on v well, so I would say my Dsis's are my best friends, because they are for life.

Don't distress yourself - you are perfectly normal !!

I have the same question - and problem - OP. I have been dedicated to past friends like a sibling, I took best friendship (they also called it that) very seriously. I saw my role in their life as very important and I felt at least partially responsible for their happiness. They reciprocated while we had practicalities in common, but not when there were more miles between us or when our circumstances started to differ. I have a very romantic idea of friendship, I suppose.

But I don't know who the person is I'm supposed to call if things go pear-shaped. I am an only child, my mother is a narcissist and my father an enabler. I have a great DH, but I don't want to rely on my husband my whole life for all my emotional support, for his own sake no one person wants to be your EVERYTHING. I certainly don't want to burden my (future) kids with that responsibility. With no siblings - who are my people? Who are my girls?

friendships change so much over time. I sympathise op because it's incredibly hurtful when you invest lots and it isn't returned.

Yes, I can relate to this too. I find I constantly have to make an effort to 'get out there' and mix especially now having a 6 month old baby and not working. It feels very much one way most of the time apart from the one good friend that I have who lives locally. I think its true to say that people do get caught up in their own lives and day to day things. I was recently let down by someone I considered to be a friend. I feel like I totally misread our friendship and that I valued our friendship more than she did and I must admit it has made me feel more wary. Other friendships have changed over time. I had a friend and it appeared we got on quite well until I had a baby and she is in a different phase of life and I am surprised how that friendship has changed too (and feel sad in a way). I try to keep in touch with the few friends/acquaintances I have whilst seeking new ones and actively going out to baby groups etc and meeting people. I quite often wonder why it does all feel one way most of the time and it would be lovely to have a wider circle of friends/better social life with less effort involved but at the same time a lot of my time is absorbed in family life at the moment and a little out of balance.

I can relate to this also. I have had many close friends over the years. In some way or another we seem to drift off - sometimes its been me, sometimes them. And I always wondered if it was me and I was fickle or annoyed people over a long period.

But I have since spoken to a close friend who said she had the same feeling and I realised that sometimes, you and another person might only have a set amount of time together. That friend might be in your life to show you something or bring out something in you. Its all about other people helping to enrich your life and you theirs, and once that purpose is fulfilled, you can both go separate ways having learned from the other person. People change, even you, but you may not realise until years later.

I have long term friends but I think that I have just found people who are more adaptable to change, or that we have changed in the same ways and grown together. With my best friend you have to scratch very deep below the surface to see our similarities but they are very fundamental and that is why it works.

I hope you find some good friends, I am adamant you will. You sound very nice

I have moved around a lot in the last 10 years due to dh work and have had to start all over again with friends every time. It's easier if you work as you make friendships at work that can be largely maintained just by being at work together with the odd get together outside. People are busy and get tied down with family life etc. I know I have not maintained what were once close friendships when I have moved on just because I get carried away in my new life and just don't seem to have time. That's why I like Facebook. You can keep in touch without having to invest huge amounts of time. I am a sociable person and consider myself to have lots of 'transient' friendships but I only have one friend who I call regularly and make loads of effort with who lives away from me but we have known each other since we were 3 so she is more like a sister anyway. If you are feeling a bit lonely at the moment why don't you suggest to your friend a weekend city break together? I'm sure it will only be a matter of time until you have made some new acquaintances. Don't take it personally though, it is no reflection on you as a friend, just one of those things that happen when people's lives move on and change.

I think yabu. You have moved 2 hours away, people are busy things are never going to be the same again. I've got loads of 'Facebook' mates who tbh used to be really close friends. It's the way it is, make some new friends, enjoy life, move on.

You haven't been 'ditched' you are being melodramatic.

I think you're probably taking it too personally. I've found I spend more time with friends who live nearby or who have something in common, such as children of similar ages or close work colleagues. I've also moved away in the past from people who I would still consider to be close friends with, but we rarely contact each other now. (Although we get on as well as we ever did when we do call or meet up). I agree it's often just that life gets busy. I would just invest in new friendships. In my life I always find that in a new place or job, you often end up forming a couple of good new friendships after a while. Just keep chatting and be patient about it.

I think you are expecting too much. I have friends from as long ago as 30 years. We see each other once or twice a year and I would consider them really close friends - however we never/rarely phone or talk in between. Real life gets in the way. When we do see each other it is as if we have never been apart. It is very easy.

You cannot maintain the same friendship from a distance. It has to change. If you are applying pressure then you may be putting her off. Expect nothing. Keep the door open and hopefully your friendship will survive, even if it is different.

Sympathies, op, it's horrible when you first have this realisation. I am guessing you're mid to late 20s? For some reason friendships start to take on a different complexion round then.

One piece of advice re your wedding - do NOT think hat you can't invite people because you haven't spoken for months, or even because you're no longer present in their lives. It's your wedding, surround yourself with people who are meaningful to you & who you know will support you on your day. I have had invites to weddings for people I haven't seen for YEARS and I've been excited to attend, because I still value them and love them - even if we don't speak so often anymore.

Also, to a massive extent, your DH ends up being your best friend in that 'through thick and thin' aspect of friendship, if the marriage is strong.

Was chatting to DC this morning and mentioned DH was my best friend. They were amazed.

I think this is pretty common. I have a group of friends who I now consider 'old' friends - in the sense that I've known them for a long time, 20 odd years - but I wouldn't say we're close anymore. We mostly live within an hour of each other but our lives are all so different that I only see them maybe three or four times a year. Day to day friends, well I guess I have my NCT group but they're not the sort of friends I could call up in the middle of the night. I see the same people all the time at the various toddler groups I go to, but I only talk to them there. I don't socialise with them.

DH is my best friend.