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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want to go back...

26 replies

supportworker · 18/04/2014 13:28

Back in January I was approached by an old friend to do some support work for his daughter, she is a similar age to me and I am a support worker professionally so it made sense.

I asked not to be paid but they insisted I did get paid so I said I would work for £8phr as long as my travel costs were paid.

This was all going okay and I would meet with them about once a month/every 2 months to collect a bit of money and have a chat about how things were going.

They wanted me to take her out of her property and do things with her, be it painting or making things, shopping, going into town (about 4 miles away) etc.

Often this would take over 2 hours which is what they initially asked me to do and so they just said write down on the calendar how long you have been for and we will sort it out when we see you.

They were due to go away last week and I said I would spend some more time with her over the weekend, unfortunately on Tuesday I found out I would need to work in my new job over the weekend so I phoned, let them know my availability and offered to go on the Friday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (if needed)

They were clear this was not ideal for them but there was really nothing I could do, I had been told I had to work or I would lose my main job.

Prior to this there were a few issues where the lady in question had some issues at her supported accommodation and had moved to her parents for a while, so my days/hours changed and I was expected to do more/less, this was no problem for me and I did have my car break down once and had to move the appointment to the following day, but I think three separate times I had my appointment cancelled/moved as well.

Yesterday I went to settle up with them, began to explain what I had been doing and basically got a bollocking for half an hour about how I wasn't doing this and that (all stuff that they had directly told me not to do) and offered me less money than time we had agreed and refused to pay my diesel. Which IS fine, I had said I would do it for free so really not bothered by the money, at one point I turned the little pad (that she was frantically tapping while shouting at me) upside down and said 'please don't pay me'

They have said that it is not 'workable' for them not to pay me, that they won't accept that but my issue is that I left feeling terrible about myself, they had accused me of doing things I hadn't done (like not telling them about my availability over the weekend before they went away) and also rather aggressively pointed out things I wasn't doing (like domestic chores and cooking) that I had offered to do but had been told was not what I was there for, that I was needed more as emotional friendship support than anything like that.

So I left with a bit of money in my pocket and promptly burst into tears on my husband, I have just had a month of trying to do things right and getting everything wrong and it was really hard.

I really wanted to go and give the money back but that would have screwed us over for easter, because of a number of factors but we were relying on some money from them as that was the agreement in place.

WIBU to say that I will not accept money from them anymore? That I will see her on a casual basis as a friend but will not get involved in the money side anymore? I realise they might say I can't see her and that would be a shame but unfortunately I would prefer that over having to go through that experience again.

Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 18/04/2014 13:35

Do you have a contract or is it cash in hand?

supportworker · 18/04/2014 13:36

No contract.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 18/04/2014 13:38

They have made it clear to you that they don't want you to work for free, so I don't think it's worth you telling them you won't accept any money, that is obviously not the sort of deal they want.

I think you'd be better of out of it completely tbh.

justmuddlingalong · 18/04/2014 13:38

Well, if there's no contract, you can walk away. Half an hours bollocking would be enough for me to suggest they find someone else. Do you rely on the extra money or can you manage without it?

supportworker · 18/04/2014 13:41

I can manage without it, certainly helpful but my husband and I are in agreement that feeling that shitty is not worth it. I actually felt 'okay' yesterday for the first time in quite a while, things were looking up, I have things in the pipeline that are helping us out and the weather was good which always helps, when I'd been in there I was just miserable again, just so upset and felt like such a failure. I am happy to go and see her as a friend, on a casual basis but I can't put myself in that position again.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 18/04/2014 13:46

It sounds as tho you would happier if you quit. They sound like terrible employers.

Re: the money. I think it's incredibly reasonable of them to want to pay a professional to do a professional's job.

justmuddlingalong · 18/04/2014 13:49

That sounds like a good idea. Perhaps not on a set day or time as you have another job, but I personally would struggle to get over the moving of the goal posts. It's best to get expectations in writing and I think the lack of this caused the problem. Good luck, you sound like very caring person.

supportworker · 18/04/2014 13:49

I think if they want a 'professional' (regardless of what my skills are) as in someone who is completely fluid, has no other commitments and will be able to commit to a certain amount of hours at all times and not go over (which happens when you are doing shopping/going out/friend activities) then they actually need to pay a hell of a lot more than £8phr!

But I was happy to work on a casual basis and get a casual amount if that is what they insisted on but now I think I would rather just see her as a friend and not worry about money, its made things more difficult for me rather than less and thats not the point really is it!

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 18/04/2014 13:50

a very caring person.

diddl · 18/04/2014 13:52

Are you friends with her as well as being employed by her parents?

Does she see you as a friend & would want to see you?

supportworker · 18/04/2014 14:03

Well because of my role, we have become friends but no, I don't know her aside from that. We do things like go for a walk or go into town for a coffee, she talks to me about things that are going on for her and I try and support her as best I can. I suppose my role is really to give her a friendly face that is similar to her own age, rather than her only contact being with her mum and dad.

One thing that really got me was that I said 'I went for an hour last Thursday but don't worry about paying me, just give me the diesel money to get there' and she said 'we don't pay your diesel are you saying that you actually charge £10 an hour because that is not what we have agreed' so she turned it back to be about money despite me obviously saying that was not the intent behind my actions.

Also £10 an hour is considerably less than you would pay in a professional sense, regardless.

It was just very awkward and made me really, really unhappy. The crux of it is that there is a vulnerable adult at the heart of this who, I think it is fair to say, often finds herself at the whim of her mothers controlling nature and that must be really, really hard. I would like to continue supporting her but not to be paid for it because that would remove the mother from the situation

OP posts:
supportworker · 18/04/2014 14:04

Can I add as far as I was concerned I was receiving £8phr + my travel costs. I thought that was always the situation.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/04/2014 14:54

I think if it's not working out then fair enough to do no more paid work.
Seems fair enough to see her as a friend as well.
If you're worried about her then I assume you would know who to contact?

Oldraver · 18/04/2014 15:06

I think you need to walk away totally. If the mother is controlling, removing her form the money equation wont alter that.

You need to tell them you found their manner rude and aggressive and will not be working for them. I dont think you can continue as a friend without the mother being involved

Eebahgum · 18/04/2014 15:08

I can see lots of reasons why you should cut off and advise them to find a new support worker. If there are reasons that you actually want to carry on I think you all need to sit down and draw up some form of contract so everyone is clear about what has been agreed.

Birdsgottafly · 18/04/2014 15:09

I wonder if they insist on paying you because they have that funded (as such) through the Direct Payment Scheme, so have to show how the money is used for the Vulnerable Adult (to who the award is made but managed by her Mother)?

If that is the case, then they would have to accept your help and then pay for something else, possibly.

I wouldn't be happy with such an informal arrangement for a relative that needed a professional befriending service.
Although you may mean well by "volunteering ", the woman needs a fixed plan in place.

Set out terms and conditions/pay and then proceed, if it is agreeable.

This is a job, like any other, not a favour, but sometimes informal care arrangements muddy the boundaries, which isn't good for anyone involved.

Birdsgottafly · 18/04/2014 15:10

"Can I add as far as I was concerned I was receiving £8phr + my travel costs. I thought that was always the situation."

Not unless that's what is agreed.

Gen35 · 18/04/2014 15:24

It sucks but you have to protect yourself and cut the work side of it out completely. They've treated you unprofessionally and horribly, walk away, invest in more rewarding situations. Forget about it, it's often a bad idea to mix friendship and professional work, this seems to be one of those times.

supportworker · 18/04/2014 15:43

But that was what was agreed, otherwise i would have been agreeing to minimum wage for the work which i know i didn't.

My husband remembers that being the agreement too.

Anyway I am not quibbling about money, it was a shame it came to that.

OP posts:
supportworker · 18/04/2014 15:53

They don't get any help with costs, I've mentioned it to them but they aren't keen.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 18/04/2014 16:48

No it shouldn't have come down to money, they don't sound nice at all, rather that they completely overreacted to a minor inconvenience and blew it out of proportion. I think you should try and move on, I'm sure in couldn't work with people that unreasonable even if i cared about the person I was caring for.

supportworker · 18/04/2014 16:54

Okay well I have sent an email just saying that I really need to get on top with 'life' stuff now and though its been a great experience, I will only be spending time with X on a casual, friendship basis and will not accept any money for it.

I feel a lot better. Thank you for the moral support and advice everyone. It's been really quite hard, mostly because of how awful life has been for the last few weeks and how much I have tried to keep on top of everything (often failing) and this has just made me feel way worse.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 18/04/2014 18:02

Hopefully they'll feel a bit ashamed, good that it's dealt with and don't let it spoil the rest of the weekend if you can.

supportworker · 18/04/2014 18:54

Thanks, we have already had a really good time, went to the soft play and to bowling, eaten good food etc.

I think it will be a lovely weekend, just didn't really need that at the beginning of it!

OP posts:
whattoWHO · 18/04/2014 19:07

I think you will need to be clear that while you are visiting your friend, it will not be on a professional basis. You will shoulder no responsibility, nor will you carry out their instructions with regard to what activities you do.
I suspect the mother will throw her toys out of the pram and refuse to let her see the daughter.

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