To wonder why DM didn't move closer?

[Littledidsheknow]

Yes, yes, I know… my DM can live wherever the heck she likes. And I’m NOT saying that she - or any other grandparent - SHOULD move to be near offspring and family.
However my DM and SD are now retired, and wanted to move home to a smaller place with a bigger garden. Fair enough. They have no work or remaining family where they are, and could have moved anywhere in the country if they’d wanted to.
We currently live 9 hours’ drive away in opposite ends of the country, and my mum is always saying how she wishes she were nearer to us, to spend more time with us and help out. Our family have had a challenging year: serious illness of child, other child in hosp for emergency op, another has asd and difficult to manage, DH losing his job, DS in trouble… and my mum keeps saying she wishes she could help.
Their new place that they’ve just bought is a further hour away!
Again, I’m not saying she should move nearer. Nor am I looking for her help, we manage (and her good intentions rarely lead to any concrete help!), but AIBU to wonder why she didn’t when she could have? I don’t ever want to be too fat from my 5 DC!

I don't know... I'm afraid place is as important to some of us as people. There's no way I'd move somewhere land-locked, or much more expensive, whoever was there. I'd love to be closer to my extended family, but not at the expense of my everyday quality of life. And don't underestimate the importance of friends in the equation. My mum is also considering a future move to be closer to family, but right now, though she's single and far from all of her children/grandchildren, she has a very full and busy life, right in the centre of her small community, in an incredibly beautiful part of the world. I think it's important that she keeps that independence and outward-looking attitude for as long as possible. It's always possible that if she moves to be closer to me or one of my siblings, she'll become a satellite of us, and that's not going to be any fun for any of us!

Did you ask her, what conversations have you had about her moving?
Why did she only tell you when she'd already bought it?
Do you have a close relationship with her? I can't imagine any family member or even friend not discussing the whole house sale and plans with me.

You're right, sandthorn, closer is ideal but not at the expense of other things. They're moving away from friends too though, to a new area, and it's gorgeous where we are- in countryside by coast! They are not ancient yetthough, and have their own lives to consider first.
Titty, they told us their plans some time ago, but only when it started happening did I start to feel a bit selfish about things.
I'm just about to drive DD 5 hours back to uni , and will miss her so much (I walked to local station on my own when I went, mum didn't even come to see me off!) guess I just wanted to feel more important to her, though we are closer now than when I was younger.
Thanks for replies.

It's perhaps odd that they have moved even further away!

Perhaps at the other end she is worried that if she was close enough she would do nothing but help you out iyswim.

Did she come to help at all when any of the things that you mentioned were going on?

Maybe they don't like the part of the country you live in, however beautiful it may be.

I would rather my folks be happy and hours away from me rather than miserable and minutes down the road.

As it is, I am eternally grateful they are hours away!

It would piss me off that they say they want to be more help, but then make a decision which makes it even less likely that they'll be able to.

And as they get older it will be a hell of a trek for you to be there for them in an emergency.

No, she didn't come down diddl, but did say she'd give any help we asked. But I wouldn't want to say to come down here when it's so far, seems a bit cheeky, so didn't!
Yes, as they get older it will be more difficult, nmfp. Funnily enough, I mentioned that we were encouraging my mil, who is now suffering from dementia, to move closer as she is beginning to find things difficult and we want to help her. I must say my DM seemed a bit jealous!

It is strange, like you say I can't imagine not wanting to live close to my ds, especially if he wanted me to.
Have you ever suggested she moved closer?

It really pisses me off when people move miles away, and expect to be visited regularly. By all means move hours away but only if you are prepared to do half of the traveling.

It be becomes so hard as people get older and need support more often

Never sat down down seriously and said "move closer" though did sort of jokily suggest it when DM has said she wishes she was, or how nice it is where we live . She told us off, lightheartedly, for taking her DGC further away, but we've only ever moved for work! They can be wherever they want.
Guess I've concluded that it's best that she is where she wants to be, even if I'd've done something different in her situation. Also, perhaps I'm being selfish, looking for a sign of my importance to her. Just hope it doesn't get too difficult later as she and DSD get older.
Thanks for your input, all, was food for thought x

You know I understand where you are coming from Littledid. I know in your situation I would be sad, in fact devastated. When she last moved location I did tell her that I hoped she remained close. I know that it is very selfish but maybe it is a cultural thing. It would be very strange in my tribe for a mother to move away from her daughter.

I feel the same about MIL, she used to live 5 minutes from us and has moved, however she is close by and she is equidistance from all her children. It's fab as we all still get to see her a lot.

We do have the money to pay staff to help with the children but honestly I would rather our parents helped and luckily they feel the same.

YANBU to feel the way you do but what can you do? Shame.

She being my mother.

A bit odd - even if they don't like your area there are surely places they do like closer than ten hours away! I'd just chalk it up to the fact your mum might like to help but doesn't actually want to.

Perhaps she thought if she moves close to you and then you move again she would be stuck in a new area without any friends.

Yes, MyPrettyToes, help from family is better because you know its done with love and best intentions. I guess we were already at such a distance that she thought another hour made little difference.
Brian - sad, but possibly true!
Creamy - good point; we've moved a few times in the last 20 years. Then again, they're moving to a new area without any friends there anyway!
Guess that's just where they want to be.
Thanks, all