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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Holiday Help

30 replies

AngryAndLost · 18/04/2014 01:01

AIBU in refusing to look after my friend's DD during school holidays? I run my own business, have a 3year old and 10month old so have enough on my plate as it is. Still, friend of mine asks me EVERY school holiday to help with the child care. My friend works part-time over 4 days, she has another child (17year old), who could look after younger sibling, yet, it is always me who she turns to in crisis! My friend has a husband also, but "it is not worthwhile for him to take day off as he is self-employed builder". This week I am refusing to look after my friend's child, although, giving silly excuses or not answering her calls. At the same time. I feel a bit guilty.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 18/04/2014 01:05

Just tell her no.

Why on earth would you make silly excuses and avoid her calls? What on earth do you have to feel guilty about?

AgentZigzag · 18/04/2014 01:08

Don't feel guilty, just keep up a rotation of excuses/not answering her calls.

If you agree that you have a choice over whether you want to look after her DC or not then what is there to feel guilty about?

Or are you thinking you should look after them because she asked? That would be ridiculous. She's asking you a favour not ordering you to do something and you're obliged to obey. It's OK to choose not to, as many times as she asks.

Accept that she's not going to like it and move on to thinking about something more interesting. She's got other options, let her hassle them instead Smile

LyndaCartersBigPants · 18/04/2014 01:26

Don't feel bad. I had the same thing, i work from home, so I'm available right?! Err no, it's still work. In the end I trained as a childminder alongside my other business. Funnily enough she never asks now she knows she'd be expected to pay for it like everyone else!

sleepwouldbenice · 18/04/2014 01:30

She doesn't ask if she has a crisis, she asks every holiday.... There is a big difference. It's fine to say no. Grin

Xihha · 18/04/2014 03:45

She's not your child so you have no duty to look after her, your friends eldest can look after her or she can pay for childcare. DON'T FEEL GUILTY!

500smiles · 18/04/2014 06:04

Agree don't feel guilty just say no.

I wfh too with one of my p/t jobs so am assumed to be available to all and sundry. What is harder for me is that for certain children I will look after them as they are my DCs calmer well behaved friends who keep her amused whilst I work. However I have annoyed others by declining to look after their noisy demanding children.

ProudAS · 18/04/2014 07:16

If you were to have friend's DD would she reciprocate whilst you got on with some work?

Delphiniumsblue · 18/04/2014 07:19

The only way I would do it is if she took turns and had yours. With a 17 yr old she has a built in babysitter- or one of the 17 yr olds friends could be paid to babysit.

Delphiniumsblue · 18/04/2014 07:20

If you feel guilty you could say 'I will have your child in Tues if you have mine on Wed'.

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/04/2014 09:55

If you are ignoring her calls and don't want to help her out, it sounds like you are not really friends.

Does she ever help you with anything? Could you count on her in a crisis?

I don't think the 17 year old should be viewed as an "on tap" babysitter. Parents choose to have more children and older siblings get no say in that and shouldn't then be expected to not have their childhood/teen years eaten into covering an adults responsibility.

Original poster
AngryAndLost · 18/04/2014 09:56

Thanks everyone for replies. I do feel guilty as I know she is in trouble when she calls, but am fed up with her behaviour as well. My friend is not the most organised person in the world and she does things at the last minute, so, she is in trouble when she calls- thats what I am feeling guilty about. And, in her eyes, I am available, as I run my business from home. And, no, she has never looked after my children for me- grrr, the more I write, the more I realise how silly I've been for feeling guilty. Thanks everyone for replies again, it really made me feel better about myself.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 18/04/2014 09:57

Why can't the teenager do it?

Say no if you don't want to. :)

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/04/2014 09:59

All day every day no.

For a week in the hols yes. Don't see a problem.

RedRoom · 18/04/2014 10:01

If she works part time, has a flexible self-employed husband and has 17 year old, then those avenues of child care should be thoroughly explored before she comes asking you to look after her children week after week in the holidays.

You work and you have two children. She expects you to work and look after hers too, and not as a one off?

Taking the piss.

WooWooOwl · 18/04/2014 10:04

You have no reason to feel guilty, you aren't doing anything wrong.

It's not an unexpected crisis for her if she does this every school holiday, it's a lack of organisation.

I would agree that if it was an occasional problem she had then the right thing to do would be to help your friend, but as it's not, and you are actually trying to work, then you have no obligation to help.

redskyatnight · 18/04/2014 10:51

I don't think it's fair to ask a friend to do regular childcare.

The occasional one off - fine

She looks after your DC one day, you look after her DC another day - great.

Unless she does you lots of favours in other ways, any arrangement where one person does all the giving and the other all the taking, is never going to work out.

clam · 18/04/2014 11:01

How are you available, if you're working from home?
She sounds a bit cheeky to me, so say no.
In fact you might free yourself up a bit if you stopped ducking her calls and tell her you're not able to help out and she perhaps ought to organise something more permanent for herself.

fairylightsintheloft · 18/04/2014 11:12

I would agree that you need to be clearer about this rather than just ducking phone calls. Apart from anything else, in the long run she will be better off if you make it clear you can't help out just randomly on the spur of the moment and she can put proper childcare arrangements in place like most of the rest of us have to. Also, her DH is a parent too, so why is it down to her to sort it our without it impacting on him in any way?

clam · 18/04/2014 12:09

"so why is it down to her to sort it our without it impacting on him in any way?"

Or rather, why is it down to the OP to sort it?

rollonthesummer · 18/04/2014 12:19

What's the saying, 'why should lack of planning on your part lead to an emergency on my part'. Just say no.

Or arrange a swap-she has hours for the day in return.

londonrach · 18/04/2014 12:34

Repeat after me op....no I'm afraid I can't look after your child as I am working. (Said with a smile)

LeBearPolar · 18/04/2014 12:38

You should not feel guilty. But nor should it be assumed that the teenager should do it, unless said teenager is willing to do so and is paid (take it from someone from a large family where the elder ones were treated as free childcare for years.)

Your friend should sort out appropriate childcare which doesn't impose on anyone who is not completely happy to help out.

Why doesn't she use holiday clubs?

TrenchCoat · 18/04/2014 18:28

Just be straight with her. Tell her you are self employed and it wouldn't be worth your while taking a day off. Smile
After all if its a good enough reason for the child's father then its a good enough reason for you!!!

Why should you lose money to provide unpaid (i'm assuming?) childcare because she cant get her act together in time for the holidays.

She will know well in advance when the holidays fall, so to not have a arrangement for childcare in place is her problem not yours!

RaspberryLemonPavlova · 18/04/2014 18:45

I was a SAHM mum, and my working friends only ever asked me in a real emergency. They used to swop with each other but all of them held the view that it wasn't fair to ask Raspberry as she wouldn't want a reciprocal favour.

Because of that I was quite happy to offer occasional help.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 18/04/2014 19:04

She's disorganised, hence the emergency I presume? Agree with others, 'I'm really busy with work at the moment and I'm afraid I can't afford the time off to look after your child'.

Honestly can't believe some peoples brass necks!