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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel reluctant to have an STI test after 10 years.

22 replies

dwarfseekinghelp · 17/04/2014 23:49

After almost 10 years of being together, and a reasonably healthy sexual relationship (apart from the odd barron spell) my wife has now refused to have sex with me until I have an STI test - either visit a clinic or do a home kit. As far as I am aware the only thing that has prompted this request is her concerns that it is not impossible for me to have contracted an STI from a previous relationship and its stayed dormant and therefore this shoud have been something she should have requested 10 years ago, but its better late than never. She has stated that this is not because she has any worries that I have cheated on her.

To put some more persepctive on this, there have been no affairs from either of us, I am the only person my wife has slept with, and before meeting my wife, I have only had sex with 2 other people, the first being a virgin at the time (and 18 years ago), and the other wasn't (and this was around 14 years ago. Also, I have had no symptoms of ever having an STI.

I initally purchased a kit over the internet and the test involved inserting a cotton bud almost fully in the family jewels. Wee-ing on a stick would have been fine, but I drew a line at this. -so its still sitting in the surgical packet

I don't profess to be a medical expert, and I havent spent any time reading up on my wife's concerns about whether STIs can stay dormant, however I do think that after this length of time (14 years) that if I had been carrying a nasty, something would have presented itself by now.

So, is wife being unreasonable to make this request and withold sex without any other concerns of fidelity, or am I being unreasonable about feeling that this is quite an irrational request after such a long time.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 17/04/2014 23:58

Sounds a bit irrational to me. Herpes can lie dormant for many years, some folk only ever get one attack and never have any other problems. Chlamydia can be symptomless in women and cause infertility, and syphyllis has a dormant stage but if your dw is concerned about any of these she's be better off getting tested herself.

WooWooOwl · 18/04/2014 00:05

Some STIs can lie dormant, but that isn't why your wife is refusing to have sex with you now. Even if her concerns were valid (which they aren't) it would be a bit late to start worrying about it now.

Is she having herself tested?

There is definitely something else going on here. Either your wife has had sex with someone else and is worried about STIs for that reason, or there is something else you need to find out about.

Jellaby · 18/04/2014 00:36

I'd just do it. Simple test for 100% security. It may be irrational, but it is not unreasonable to not want to have sex with someone for fear of infection.

In fact, I'm struggling to think of a time when it is ever not unreasonable to not have sex when you don't want to.

If that is what it is going to take for her to feel comfortable, you should do it. She should be taking one too though. If you have anything, so does she.

davrostheholy · 18/04/2014 00:43

Something strange here.
Are you two having unprotected sex together regularly - recently?
if not, she either has really convinced herself that you may have some dormant disease from years ago (if so, why not get herself tested?) OR she has been shagging someone else, caught something, got diagnosed and treated and now wants YOU to get treated so YOU can be diagnosed and she can point the finger at you while insisting that as she is "clean" it can't be her that has done wrong. (I heard of someone doing this once - very devious.)
If she just genuinely believes you have some STI for 10 years then I would say she has some "issues" that will need addressing.
Either way this is worrying.

davrostheholy · 18/04/2014 00:46

Ah sorry just read this bit properly, sorry.
"So, is wife being unreasonable to make this request and withold sex".

So you aren't having sex at the moment...

Ok, any unexplained medical symptoms either in her or you ?

Original poster

dwarfseekinghelp · 18/04/2014 00:51

Thanks for all of your responses. I guess DW and I better ve a frank conversation.

davrostheholy no other unexpalined medical symptoms, we have two beautiful children but these are very much explained.

OP posts:

davrostheholy · 18/04/2014 01:14

dwarf.
It may be that she has done nothing wrong. Maybe she has hygiene issues.
Does she have wider hygiene issues ?
You could just get tested I suppose.
What if its positive ?
What if its negative ?
Pretty strange all round though.

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 18/04/2014 02:13

Surely she would have been tested for at least some STIs when pregnant? My youngest is 24 (that's years, not months) and it was at the height of the AIDS panic, but I was routinely tested (with informed consent) for HIV even back then.

RedFocus · 18/04/2014 07:21

I was tested for sti's during all 3 of my pregnancies as standard. So should your dw op. Something very odd going on here.

meditrina · 18/04/2014 07:30

NHS tests in PG are not for all STIs, and may vary depending on where you are.

Home kits aren't that great either (as OP has discovered, taking a swab yourself isn't a good prospect in terms of what has to be done. And if not done well the test is useless).

OP: where are you? If in UK, you really would be better of going to a clinic for this.

That aside, why is your DW asking this of you? Has an incident led her to conclude you have cheated? Reassurance from you isn't working.

So the big question is why has communication between you broken down to this extent?

hippo123 · 18/04/2014 07:38

Why doesn't she get herself tested if she's worried? Could she have cheated and be worried she's passed something onto you?

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 18/04/2014 07:41

Sounds barking from your description. I'd be more worried about her mental health. Has she gone very odd in other ways?

fluffyraggies · 18/04/2014 08:10

I just cant picture the conversation process that would lead you both as far as buying an STI testing kit online, but not as far as you understanding exactly why DW wants the test How can you not know?

The basic question - ''is with holding sex until your partner gets a test unreasonable?'' - well the answer is no, obviously. It's a sensible precaution if there's cause for concern.

PansOnFire · 18/04/2014 08:32

My first thought was that she's cheated, caught something and knows there is a risk you also need treating too. She's right, some STIs can take a while to present themselves but 14 years? It's more likely that she's caught something a while ago and it's just come to light now.

I'd go to the dr, do the test and find out first. You don't want to put yourself at risk of complications of something. Then you need to speak to your wife, something is not quite adding up.

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 18/04/2014 08:34

She's cheating on you and contracted something

afterthought · 18/04/2014 08:37

Does she watch any TV programmes where this has been a storyline? I only ask as Emmerdale has had a HIV storyline and it has given me an irrational idea that I could maybe be carrying something without knowing. I have always got tested after a partner (seemed sensible) but watching the programme has almost made me want to test again, even though I have no reason to.

hamptoncourt · 18/04/2014 08:47

Yes I think she has cheated and needs to know if you have caught an STI she may have passed on to you.

Sorry.

shakethetree · 18/04/2014 08:53

Only 2 reasons for this;

A) she's been playing away & caught something ( or thinks she might have ) so she's asking you to test so she can blame it on you.

B) as the above poster said, she watches Emmerdale & is worried about the HIV storyline. ( although that's a bit irrational - unless she has been doing things she shouldn't be )

Get tested.

Ponkypink · 18/04/2014 10:12

Maybe she has some kind of symptom that her GP has said could be related to an STD? It would be unlikely but my GP was recently telling me to get swabs for heavy/irregular periods, even though I pointed out that there was pretty much no risk of a new STD, because she claimed they could be dormant and not have shown up on previous tests. There are all kinds of reasons someone might want a partner to get tested (and really ffs, it's not any more invasive than a smear test which women have to have regularly, so it's very juvenile to complain about that). There's no reason to assume all kinds of bizarre scenarios without actually having an adult discussion of why she has asked this.

Either way, you aren't being unreasonable not to consent to a medical procedure, obviously, if you don't want it, but neither is your wife obliged to have sex with you, you are not entitled to sex and if she isn't comfortable for any reason at all however irrational then she is completely within her rights not to have sex. Whether you want a relationship within those parameters is up to you.

magoria · 18/04/2014 10:22

If she has some symptom that a gp suggests could have been dormant she needs to be tested not OP.

She could have caught something pre him. He could have had something pre her.

If I were worrying about my sexual health I would be getting myself checked out first not someone else.

It all sounds a little strange that she is demanding you get one and is with holding sex in the meantime. Especially after kids.

You really do as you say need a proper chat.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 18/04/2014 11:32

You've hit the nail on the head OP, you need to find out specifically why your wife wants you to test. At the very least you need this information to give the clinic and idea of what to test for. Most clinics will have a set of tests they do as standard (usually HIV, syphilis, gonorrhoea and chlamydia) and will add on any other tests (Hep B, Hep C etc) according to the history you give when you go their.

Don't jump immediately to the conclusion that your wife has cheated, I've seen this type of thing very often in connection with anxiety about herpes or warts. Without going massively into it, both of these infections are super common (think in the region of 80% of sexually active people) and generally harmless as far as your general health goes. However, there is a lot of upset and worry attached to these a wee trip to the clinic and a chat to a nurse can often be enough to put people's minds at rest.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 18/04/2014 11:44

Can you both go to the clinic together, then it may be easier to talk about it?

I have had a swab for irregular bleeding, for infection which turned out to be an STI test when the results came back - nobody told me that before, and it threw me somewhat! (bleeding turned out to be St Johns Wort related).

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