Is my mum unreasonable or me?

[theworkofsatan]

I will make this as concise as possible.

My mother lives in Spain. She has a very close relationship with my DS who is 9. She wanted to take him to Spain for the Easter holiday and I agreed.

She arrived last Friday night at around 8.30pm. I collected her from the airport. I took her back to my house, where I live with my DS and my DP. We have lived together for six months, prior to this I was a LP.

When we arrived home she played on her ipad almost continuously until she went to bed at 10.30pm. She talked but it was very short sentences and it was obvious that she didn't really want to talk.

On Saturday she got the train from our town to go and see her friend who lives two hours away. She arrived back at 9pm on Sunday night.

She was in a foul mood. She answered all questions with one word answers. She made some comment about my DP not being my sons dad, in a nasty way. This is the truth but I have been with my DP for six years and my DS and DP have a great relationship. His dad, on the other hand, sees my DS once a fortnight for one day, so not exactly dad of the year. The atmosphere in the house at this point was not good.

I had work the following morning and she was going back to Spain on the Monday. She asked me what time I was leaving for work in the morning and she said that she would get DS up (they were sharing a room) so that I could say goodbye to him before his holiday.

At 8.25, five minutes before I was due to leave for work, there was no sign of him so I went up. I felt a bit funny about going into the bedroom, because I knew that my mum was in there and because of the previous night, but I went in to say goodbye etc. She rolled over in bed and said that my DS had woken up but that she had let him go back to sleep and that he didn't really need to say goodbye to me.

They both then got up, she went straight into the kitchen and didn't even say goodbye when I left.

My DP says that she is incredibly rude to both of us and that he doesn't want her to stay in our house when she comes to bring DS back.

For clarity her having my DS doesn't do me any favours. I am paying for FT childcare to my childminder to keep his place open anyway.

Was she rude, or am I supposed to feel uncomfortable in my own home and put up with it because she is my mum?

She was extremely rude, Just because she is your mum does not give her the right to treat you like that. Especially in your own home.

Is there some back story between your DP and DM? How was she on previous visits before DP moved in?

She was incredibly rude!! How awful. What on earth was her problem?!

The house is a new house that my DP and I rented together. There is no back story between my mum and DP. Previously I lived alone so she rarely saw him.

She is very opinionated generally and she speaks her mind quite a bit. Last time she came over (March of this year) she had a go at DP over different stuff in the house that she didn't agree with, for example hanging our coats on the stairs. My DP was a bit pissed off with her during that visit too but he kept his mouth shut and just agreed with her for a peaceful life.

However during this second visit he said that she was very rude to him and me and ignoring us both on the night before she was due to leave was out of order.

Your mum is a cow!! I agree with your dp! Either she is nice or she finds somewhere else to stay

She was very rude to you both.

It's also none of her business where your dp hangs coats in his own home. I think your dp has been remarkably patient with her so far. If he's now reached the end of his tether, I can't say I'd blame him.

How old is she?

She sounds very rude. I am wondering if this about your DP or about some change in her

She has been off with me since last year. As I said she is very opinionated anyway but in October she came over for a week to stay with me. I was still living as a single parent with my DS at this point. Anyway within half an hour of her arriving she started slagging off my brother, who died two years ago. Actually he was my half brother (same dad, different mum), but I don't make that distinction, he was my brother.

I ended up exploding at her over it and she has been off with me ever since.

She was just ruder than normal during this last visit.

She sounds awful.

And she wouldn't have been taking my son back to Spain either.

She's 64. She has always been a bit difficult but she is getting worse.

diddl - trust me I did think about telling her that she couldn't take DS but that would have been punishing him too. He adores her.

She was very rude. She sounds pretty horrible in general actually!

Have you considered what she might be saying to your DS about you and your DP while he's in Spain with her?

I really think it would be better to reduce contact now, for the sake of your family.

There is not a chance she would be in my house if she spoke to me or my dp like that, not a chance!

She was rude, but I don't think your DP is any better by saying he doesn't want her to stay when she brings your child back. That's just petty. If he wants to make things easier for you he should be trying to find out what the problem is and build bridges with your Mum, he shouldn't be making it harder for you by effectively making you choose between upsetting him or her.

If after he's tried to talk to her and sort the problem she continues to be rude, then it woudo be fair for him to say she can't stay anymore. But until then, he should be supporting you, because presumably you have higher expectations from someone you chose to be with than you do from your mum who you are stuck with either way.

OP YANBU.

I have a lot of form for telling people that their MIL is not the problem, their DH is.

In your case, I think you have to back your DH because it is his MIL, your DM who is being totally out of order.

I would be tempted to leave it be whilst she is away with DS as if you tell her whilst she has him that she isn't welcome in your home when she comes back, she will no doubt do a big number on DS whilst she is in Spain and this could cause problems for you and DP. I would simply tell her when you pick her up that you have to drop her at a B&B you have booked for her, as she cannot stay at your house for "personal reasons."

Then when you can speak freely, tell her exactly why she isn't welcome any more. But do try to make it all about we rather than saying "DP doesn't want you here."

If she apologises and accepts her behaviour has to change then you and DP can reconsider. I wouldn't hold my breath though!

My DP is just fed up with her at the moment and I can't blame him for that as most of the acidic comments have been directed at him over the last two visits.

The atmosphere in the house when she is there is horrible, very tense. It's a weird feeling when your own mother doesn't seem to like you very much. I think my DP is more worried about the effect that she has on me, rather than his own feelings to be honest. After all she isn't his mother so he has no emotional involvement.

She will definitely be undermining me with my DS. She always has done so I can't think that she will she would stop now. Whilst my DS adores her he does pull her up when she says stuff about me so I'm not overly concerned about that.

I'm just dreaded her bringing him back and having her in the house again to be honest.