Difficult Parent!

[prawnsmummy]

Hi all

Looking for a bit of advice about my difficult mum! Not sure if I've posted this in the right place or not as I'm a newbie. Hopefully I have.

Basically my mums a nightmare. Bit of background about me, I have a Son who's almost 3, I'm 28 weeks pregnant with second child and working part time (3 days a week). I live about 20 minutes drive away from my Mum and to cut a long story short she expects me to do all the running about. For example I've just gone through the process of buying a house (first time buyer) and it's been a long process with lots of two-ing and fro-ing to the solicitors and bank. I told my mum I'd visit this week but had to cancel as the solicitors had phoned wanting further info to complete the house purchase. I cancelled the visit with my mum and told her why. Today my Sister has phoned to tell me that my mum has done nothing but talk about me behind my back for not visiting and how I've let her down. Pathetic really as I'd expect her to be understanding and happy for me that I finally own the house after such a long drawn out process!

Also just to mention that my mum NEVER visits me or her grandson, it's always me who has to drive to see her. Fair enough she doesn't have a car but she manages to get about to see my sister and our other family members. She does not work either so has more time on her hands than what I do. She knows I've been having difficulties during this pregnancy and she doesn't seem to grasp the idea that I may not feel well some days and I just want to stay at home before I'm back at work again.

She's my mum and I think the world of her but lately I'm just starting to realise just how selfish she really is and I'm not liking it.

My partner says I need to tell her straight which is all well and good but I've tried this before and it goes in one ear and out the other. Was wondering if anyone else has had similar difficulties with family members and was looking for advice on how you deal with them?

Thanks

You don't necessarily have to tell her. What you can do is decide how much contact you want with her and what kind, then act accordingly. So if you aren't prepared to go over more than once or twice a week (for example) then don't. If she wants to see you more, suggest she comes to you.

Don't do lots of stuff for her if it is really inconvenient or takes too much out of you. If your mother is still fit and active she can manage things for herself without expecting you to do it. Only do what you can manage and is reasonable.

And your sister has not been helpful-what was the point of telling you your mother's been bitchy? It upsets you and resolves nothing, bearing in mind your mother wasn't bothered enough to tackle you about it directly.

Your sister is as much as a problem as your mother.

Do not do more than you want or feel able to.

What's the worst your mum can do if she's not happy? Bitch about you to diss.

Step out away from the guilt trip and start enjoying your life in your new home!

Yes, my mother is the same - it's all about her and if I don't do things her way I am a bad person.

I have emotionally disattached myself from her - I realise she won't give me the support I need so I treat her at the level I would a colleague at work - I tell her things I want to, and don't get overfussed by her reaction. If she gets annoyed (and I consider I have behaved in a rational way - like you have with having to cancel your meetup) I will say that I'm sorry she's upset but things come up sometimes. I will refuse to get upset by her being upset (iyswim). If she continues to be angry, I leave. Actually I treat her like you would a toddler throwing a tantrum (because that's what it feels like) - so just imagine she is your DS!

Since she's worked out that she doesn't achieve anything by getting angry about/with me, she has miraculously stopped doing it (or does it less anyway).

with redSky 100% (why no like button)

Some interesting advice there, thank you. I do agree my sister shouldn't really be 'stirring' the trouble and I've decided to have a word to ask her not to tell me when things get said. Or if it continues I'll just have to take it with a pinch of salt. It annoys the hell out of me that my mother is so unsupportive and self centred but she's never going to change.

As from now on I will make a stand, and promise myself not to go out of my own way or bend over backwards. I will visit when I see fit and not because I've been nagged to do so.

Thanks again for the advice, much appreciated!

Wow I thought my DH was posting about his mum, but you said you were pregnant so I thought probably not .

YANBU. In fact I've just spoken to DH about how his mum has messaged him to say she has Easter eggs for the kids and can hego and get them. He saw her last week, she does this every time its Xmas,birthday, anything. See time the week before, not give anything then text in the week asking him to go and pick it up. Pisses me off because she makes no effort at all, she has been to our house about 3 times in the last 5 and a half years (we live a few miles away), has free bus pass, healthy, works very few hours but wants everyone to do the running. When she was getting divorced and crying down the phone, we had to be sympathetic and listen but if she happened to ask me how I was and I said about a difficulty I was having (wrt my health, I have a long term illness) I just get a "oh well,never mind"

I can't be bothered with selfish people and your sister is shit stirring by telling you. Don't run around after her any more. If you can fit her in then fine, if not she can sulk and act like a child all she likes.