Who is unreasonable, me or him?

[Mrpicklesesquire]

Last nights tea went something like this....

Had jacket potatoes so I put his tea on the table along with the clover butter stuff for it. he sits down, pulls a face at the clover and stands up.

God forbid id put the wrong butter down and should have actually got proper butter, so i said "if you dont want that put it back in the fridge".

He strops of to the fridge and comes back with proper butter, the clover still on the table, so i said why didnt you put it back, "Oh, I'll do it later". I stand up and then take it back to the fridge and say something like, this is why i constantly have to do everything and am sick of it (Im sahm, constantly cleaning and fighting a loosing battle, he never helps, feel like him mum blah blah blah).

So then he starts having a go saying he would have put it back after his tea, I said but you were going to the fridge its not that hard to take it with you and swap it. then i Get a rant about how im a fucking nag.

And that was the last he said, he was looking for a fight all night long but I bit my tongue, went for a bath and ignored him instead (childish i know!).

So this morning he gets up and said to me, dont expect me to apologise I havent done anything wrong. Yet he did, he screamed at me in front of our young ds (22 months) that im a fucking nag cos once in a while I ask him to take his shoe collection upstairs and put them away.

Ismhemthe type who thinks all domestic chores are women's work.

Well you were being a bit unreasonable about the butter, but there's obviously more to this than him putting butter in the fridge.
Maybe you both need to have a proper conversation (not argument) about what you expect of each other.

I'm thinking it was a bit if an over reaction on your part....

However, if you feel he is just lazy and you are constantly picking up and cleaning up after him then I completely understand why you'd feel annoyed even if it was over something minor.

YANBU about wanting an apology if he screamed at you though because that's not on, especially swearing at you too.

I hope you manage to make the peace somehow

Umm...I dunno, without more context it's hard to say.
You do read as being carpy and martyrish over putting the Clover away again...did it really have to be put back in the fridge that very second?

He reads as being peevish by keeping the whole thing going after tea, spoiling for a fight.

If he never lifts a finger I can see why communication about such matters has broken down.

I don't think he was the only one looking for a fight.

You have let your anger build and the fuse has been over a petty row about clover. I could see myself doing something similar getting the mayonnaise out the fridge whilst leaving the salad cream on the table if DH went in a strop over that I would probably empty the contents on him. He needs to stop the shouting and you need to address the real problems.

YABU to insist that the Clover went back in the fridge that instant but if you feel that he is not pulling his weight generally, then YANBU to feel fed up. You clearly need to address this issue, but I don't think playing the martyr is the right way to go about it.

Both a bit unreasonable, but "fucking nag" is not the language of love. Was that a rare, one off way of speaking to you? I hope so. If not, you have a problem.

DH and I were never in a great place together when our DSs were very young, but it was mainly me who was wrecked by it and in a state and DH is quite a tolerant person anyway. He could see how birth and early motherhood fucked me up. It's really hard.
How's the atmosphere now? Are you kind to one another?

Tbh though that would annoy me if he was going to the fridge anyway but yeah, it's a bit unreasonable and sounds as though that wasn't the real cause for the snapping. I think you were both looking for an argument to be honest!

I think you were the one picking a fight tbh.

If he'd demanded you go off and get different butter I would be on your side, but he went off to get it himself, and said he would put the other butter back in the fridge when he'd finished.

You were a bit of a nag and controlling (does it really matter that he puts the butter away in 5 minutes time rather than now?)

It sound like you don't like each other very much at the moment.

I agree with others you need to sit down when this has blown over and sort out what you are unhappy about.

I know how you feel. I don't think it's an AIBU as such. You are bound to be snappy about stuff like this if it's part of a bigger picture so the butter v Clover thing isn't really the issue. (Fwiw I'm with him on having proper butter on a jacket but if someone had been kind enough to cook me dinner I would quietly swap it, not make a song and dance about it, and that would include putting the first one back in the fridge so it didn't sit out melting).

My DP doesn't live here full time but he never puts anything away and it drives me insane. I'm still on 'best behaviour' with him so don't generally say much, but every so often I make a stand. I imagine in a few years I won't be so polite! However, if he swore at me or called me a nag I would not take it lying down.

It's so hard being a sahm as you accept that the main responsibility for the house is yours as a trade off for not bringing in money, but that doesn't mean you're happy to pick up after everyone, especially those who are old enough and physically capable of looking after themselves.

I suggest a proper chat about him pulling his weight when you're both at home.

It's not just the butter thing is it?

Why didn't you just leave the clover on the table until you'd finished eating, it's not a thing to get wound up about.

You need a chat about what you expect from one another, him swearing at you like that isn't on.

Put it this way, when DH went to the fridge without taking the margarine back like he could have done he sat down, looked at the tub and said "how thick am I? I could have put that back" and then I took the mickey a bit about old age and his memory going in a good humoured way. Would that happen between you two?
The Clover sounds like the last straw for.you tbh.
You need to talk about his attitude to you and him.screaming at you.
Being called a nag is him trying to insult you and shut you down.

You made a bit of a meal of things by making the point of putting the marg back in the fridge - I'd have left it until you'd finished the meal. It sounds as though you knew he would have preferred butter, so why did you not just ask 'butter or Clover for your potato'?

My DP does things like go into the kitchen for one thing without taking something which ultimately needs to go back there with him. Yes, it's more efficient to make one trip for both things, but it's hardly the end of the world is it?

Ooh, difficult!

You both sound a bit prickly/petty.

He could have taken the Clover back, but equally it could have waited until the end of the meal.

I'm thinking that you doubt he would have done it at all though?

I don't go out to work but I don't pick up after my husband either.

If we've had a cup of tea I don't always take his cup up when I take mine.

Sometimes he'll hand me his cup as I go by, if not he'll take it later.
No big deal.

With the shoes, why doesn't he put them away or doesn't it bother him/he relies on it annoying you first?

Most of our shoes live in the hall as we're a shoes off house.

You started it.

It's not so much unreasonable, as it is unhappy. Does it really have to escalate to a fight over butter being left out for 15 mins when he eats his dinner?

I'm trying to lighten the mood, but see these things called teenagers, they're worse .

Ok I may be partly to blame but like a lot of you have guessed it is just 1 minor thing in a long list of things that he doesnt do around the house. and for the record, he would not have put it away after his tea. He never does. Mayo, salt and pepper, gets them all out and then they sit on the table for days until the day I explode and put them away. If im going back to the fridge anyway I dont get why you wouldnt take it back and swap it. he usually does have clover which is why i got the bleedin thing out so he was just being picky.

He doesnt scream at me very often, no, that was a rare one, but still not on and Ive told him i expect an apology.

If he was usually tidy i'd have let it go, but just the fact he had got up to go to the fridge anyway, he could have taken it with him, but instead left it there as he knew I will eventually do it.

I dont think its even the fact Im here all day so its my responsibility to do stuff, he just thinks like that automatically as thats what his parents are like. Im slowily falling into that trap where i become him mother.

This is so pathetic and petty to be arguing over, yet its part of my daily life, to clean up after him. just gets me so frustrated when i get no help.

He has never put anything away. As for the shoes, they are taken off and left at the bottom of the stairs, and i mean right at the bottom of the stairs. so anyone else coming down them has to then step over a few pairs of nikes to reach the floor. Ive asked him to take them of and put them at the side under the radiator, but no, he kicks them off right at the bottom and doesnt care where they land. Theres times i got up to do night feeds with ds in my arms and would have to juggle stepping over them in the dark, once I fell. He still does it. I now have put them in a bag and left all his junk at the side of the bed. Ive tried asking nicely, Ive tried talking, Ive tried almost everything, so dumping his stuff in a pile by where he stands is the last thing left I can think off.

yabu for keeping the 'proper butter' in the fridge. How do You spread it?