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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fed up with this?

16 replies

RosieLig · 16/04/2014 18:45

I need a bit of perspective but please don't be too harsh as I'm quite upset.

Bit of background - I lost my mum in my 20s and my dad remarried a while back. I really like my step mum, she is fab. I'm happy my dad is happy.

My step mum has always spoiled (IMO) her kids. As a result my step sister is IMO spoilt, entitled and often inconsiderate. We can get on OK but she winds me up soooo much. Basically, rude and unappreciative of her mum who gives her a huge amount of help. Ungrateful and rude when I've offered her any of my kids stuff (I've stopped doing it now), moans a lot including most of Christmas Day when we'd cooked and ran around after her and her kids all day (no thank you until a text nearly 2 months later!) She has got her hands full with her kids and her husband away a lot but she doesn't seem to appreciate what she's got (i.e. a lovely mum and fab brother, not to mention amazing step dad!) She never really asks about me and when we had a couple of bereavements there was complete radio silence.

The worst thing about this is that she goes to her mum's (my old family home) every Sunday with her kids for lunch. We are rarely invited and if we are I don't really enjoy it as she winds me up by basically sitting on her bum and letting her mum and my dad run around after her whilst she moans! I get really upset because, whilst there is no way we'd want to go every week, it would be lovely to go there without her and the kids being there.

I have spoken to my dad about it but I hate upsetting him. After the last chat about it (basically I just asked if we could come occasionally without them, even twice a year would be enough!), we got asked last summer to a BBQ, just us, and it was lovely. But nothing since. It's hard for him as my step mum, whilst lovely, can be difficult around these things and go in massive huffs if her kids are left out, making my dad's life v difficult. Sad

I've just spent time with them all and I honestly feel exhausted by it all. I know there is an element of jealousy as I wish I had my mum but I'm generally a positive person who doesn't dwell on things but this is eating away at me. I really can't stand this woman sometimes and it's not a nice feeling. It's affecting my relationship with my dad which makes me sad as we are very close. I don't want to look back and regret my behaviour when he's no longer here Sad

So, mammoth epistle. AIBU and if I am, what can I do? And if IANBU what can I do?!

OP posts:
Skivvywoman · 16/04/2014 18:52

Maybe invite your df and dsm to your house

Original poster
RosieLig · 16/04/2014 18:54

Thanks Skivvywoman, we do invite them to ours. It's just that it would be nice to occasionally be in my old family home without my step sister being there! Even my kids comment on it!

OP posts:
Skivvywoman · 16/04/2014 18:56

Maybe phone your df and suggest you go on a Saturday instead of the Sunday? Or would they turn up?

Jubelteen · 16/04/2014 19:01

YANBU it must be horrible not being able to spend time in your family home alone with your Dad and step mum. Is it the same house you lived in with your Mum? If so no wonder you feel upset.

Original poster
RosieLig · 16/04/2014 19:05

Thanks skivvywoman, I suppose we could but I feel bad inviting myself and then they'd need to cater twice in a weekend which is a lot for my dad as he is 70.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieLig · 16/04/2014 19:07

Thanks Jubelteen, it is horrible. I just don't know if the alternative (making an issue of it again is worth it, as my step mum seems to take it as a personal slight to her daughter).

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieLig · 16/04/2014 19:08

And yes it's the home I grew up in and lived in with my mum.

OP posts:
wendylg · 16/04/2014 20:15

I would go on a saturday, and if you are worried simply turn up in time to help cook, or bring desert with you to reduce the cost of the second catering.

Original poster
RosieLig · 16/04/2014 20:42

Thanks. Would you just invite yourself then? There's no invitation to come on a Saturday, only when the others are there....

OP posts:
wendylg · 16/04/2014 20:45

I would phone up and ask "could we come round on saturday, ages since we had a good chat"

Purplepoodle · 16/04/2014 20:54

Just drop around for a couple of hours in the afternoon, after lunch and before tea.

Jubelteen · 16/04/2014 21:30

Your stepmum is insensitive IMO. Do you think she wants her daughter there so she doesn't feel threatened?
She is spending time alone with her daughter, but denying you and your Dad the same opportunity. I think you need to speak to them together, say how you feel and try to arrange a time for just your family to visit.
Your step sister should also realise that you need time with your Dad but she sounds quite immature.
I hope you sort something out.

Original poster
RosieLig · 16/04/2014 21:51

Thanks all. I have tried to talk to them but my step mum sees it that I don't want to spend time with her daughter, she just goes quiet and I know she's upset. It's tricky as I don't want her to go all huffy with my dad.

Forget my stepsister realising, she's self-obsessed that one. I have fantasies about telling her what I really think about her Angry.

They want us all to be one big happy family.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieLig · 16/04/2014 21:54

I should be clear that I do see my dad fairly often at my place or out and about. It's more about us never going there for a meal when my stepsister and family aren't there IYKWIM(and she's there pretty much every Sunday).

OP posts:
Fefifo · 17/04/2014 01:56

Have you ever pulled your stepsister up on her behaviour?

Original poster
RosieLig · 17/04/2014 07:54

Hi, no fefifo I haven't. It's a drip drip effect. For example on Christmas Day her husband was away so I was sympathetic to that but the moaning started to pee me off so in the end I said something like " well let's try to be positive, it is Christmas Day..." Or she'll speak to her mum quite stroppily but I don't want to embarrass her mum by pulling her up on it.

I did pull her up recently when I got something spilled on me by one of her kids and she didn't even apologise. It wasn't the spilling (kids will be kids) but the fact she didn't seem to think she should apologise even though I was covered.

I've never pulled her up on the "monopoly" as my dad doesn't want me to as "she would get very upset" and she's "low on self- confidence", will "go into herself" yada yada.

She actually made a snidey remark on fb about looking like her mum recently (her mum looks amazing) and I thought that was mean. Luckily loads of her relatives told her how lovely looking her mum was so I didn't say anything!

Or the time we asked her to Christmas and she said "great, I can put my feet up" and didn't lift a finger all day apart from to play with her kids! I did joke and say " oh we'll all need to pitch in" or something like that but I was pretty gobsmacked.

OP posts:
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