to think a child having their siblings at their party is non-negotiable?

[Sampanther]

I have a 6 yr old. My 7 and 8 yr old dsc have their birthday soon and were going to have a combined party with our 2 yr old dd whose birthday it has been recently. Because of the contact order, there are three potential party dates:

A) when all the children can be there, plus my dd can invite some friends to allow dsc to make local friends and long-term family friends can come but paternal grandparents can't make it

B) on a date everyone can come but has been verbally agreed with exW, meaning it may well be revoked as all other verbally agreed dates have been

C) on a date where my eldest dd is at her fathers, so it'd be just the three siblings plus grownup family members

Dsc want the first date as they, understandably I think, want children and particularly my dd at their party. Dp thinks his parents should be there, though, so says that date is off. They're away that weekend though they knew it was dsc birthday so I feel they wouldn't have made alternative plans if that bothered about coming. Aibu to say having a sibling at a party is more important than having grandparents?

2 events?
a separate cake/party thing with grandparents?
we usually do cake with each set of gp separate to a party for kids, plus a cake on the day
no need to limit cake

I suggested that merci - a kids party then a family party because I'm sure GPs don't really want to be sat in middle of 15+ 6-9 yr olds but dp thinks they'll feel they're missing out

2 separate events might be fine. But if the GPs knew it was the birthday date and still booked a trip, then they are obviously not bothered.

A party to include the children is, I think, better for the children, they'll have more fun.

I certainly remember my birthday being dominated by grandparents and other older relatives. Boring as fuck!

Precisely. I figure party on the sat and a roast dinner and birthday cake with older relatives on the Sunday evening is the best option

Sam sounds good to me

That's really difficult!

Would the exW really cancel when she knows her own children have a party planned? That sounds incredibly mean! Is there any chance it woudo help to get it confirmed in writing?

If you definitely think that date is a no go, then it should be up to the children whose party it is. If you are certain they want that first date and aren't just saying it because they think that's what you want to hear, then I'd push for it as well.

I think go with date A and then have the grandparents round at some point for birthday tea with cake and candles.

If they booked to go away when their gc's birthdays are then they are obviously not too bothered about attending the party.

Can your dp suggest the two event idea to them and see what they say?

I'd go with the first date, invite no grandparents then do something "family" another time. It's about the children really, and having all the children there surely best for them.

It has to be 'A', with a separate tea or something with paternal grandparents.

Agree with the majority - we never had grandparents visiting when the DC had birthday parties.

Due to weird timings of all three of my children's birthdays one of them always had two "parties" and the other two children have been known to have three

One for family, one on their birthday and a party with friends.

Not every year and nothing big but birthday "parties" all the same

YANBU

My dcs always have a family party, usually on their birthday and another event with their friends. Mil has a hearing aid which means she doesnt enjoy loud events.

I'm confused, why is there a risk of their mother cancelling date B but not A and C. Because, apart from that, it sounds like date B is perfect. If she is like that then couldn't she turn around and cancel any of the dates?

And don't the children want to be at home for their party so their existing friends can go? Or are they having another party on a different date to their birthday?

Sorry if I'm misreading!

Dates A and C are court ordered. Date B has been mutually agreed as the extra contact the contact order states she should offer, but she has cancelled three such previous dates - particularly if she knows there are plans.

Dsc live 90 miles away and will have a party with their school friends during their time with their mum.