To not want my DH to take a demotion?

[sayerville]

Aside the money.....if he takes this then his confidence will go and he'll be in the same dead end role forever. He's not in a particularly high paid job and he wants to go a role with less responsibility, as he has stress issues which I can understand but I feel sad it's come to this.
Obviously his health comes first, I think better a low paid job than none eh?

If it's affecting his health then I think he should take the demotion. I recently quit my job because it had an affect on my health and it was the bes decision I have ever made.

It doesn't mean his confidence will go, it just means he can get his stress issues in order and then maybe in the future pursue something more.

It's more likely to build up his confidence if he can do a lower ranked job well, than struggling in a higher rank job I would think? No reason why he can't move to a different role in a year or 2 when he feels better.

If you really can't afford it financially then of course you have to rethink, but would certainly be exploring other options.

My DH did this , it isn't worth someone's health.
If it were you in the situation wouldn't you want to do the same?

The same dead end role forever may not make his confidence go.
In fact I would argue that a less stressful job would make him feel more in control of his life and improve his confidence.
So YABU, his health comes first.

I don't think he'd pursue anything though after this, this is the 3rd time he's been in this situation. He's not the kind of person but be actively searching for other work, in fact money means nothing to him as I deal with everything all but a 16K salary would make life harder for us as a family but better than no salary I guess

Is he looking for a demotion because he doesn't like his job now, or because his lack of confidence makes him feel like he can't do it (is he right? or paranoid?)

It could go either way - he could be loads happier without the higher level stresses and strains and bits he doesn't like/isn't good at. Or it could be like slinking off with his tail between his legs and the cycle starts all over again at the new lower level.

Can you give a bit more background?

Whatever role he's in we have this, it's paranoia. His managers have no issues, quite the opposite, they don't want him to step down. I think learning another job will bring other issues. He's very easily stressed, has been on tablets since 2003 for anxiety and is now on beta blockers too. Also having talking therapies which he's had before. I don't know where to go from here, I am finding it really hard been supportive this time round, I know that sounds awful. One time he was off 10 months and we lived off savings. I don't know what the answer is.

Could you do something to fill the financial gap?
Because having been in this position and made the choice, I was very appreciative of the support from my family and the lack of teeth-sucking and judgement. OH took on extra work when I wasn't doing much, and now I am, but the cashflow is erratic.
All coping, and they are pleased that I'm less stressed and more patient.
I doubt you want him to break, so let him downsize his job, support his decision and think what you can contribute now circumstances have changed.

x-post, it looks as if he's heading for a complete breakdown otherwise.

At the moment work are not extending/offering extra hours, I work 30 hours and they wouldn't let me do more. I doubt if I can manage any more as I have caring responsibilities which take up any free time I have. I'm shattered most of the time.

Gobinchild, I know what you're saying though this recent episode wasn't as bad as the last.

has he tried hypnosis and meditation? stress is really common at work. i would try everything before demotion personally, but you know your dh - my dh would eventually be more not less miserable with demotion
a move to a different career a possibility?

Tbh he should have moved careers ages ago but they are really supportive of him, it's his choice, his health only he knows. He's not ambitious at all, but then has a go at me for being the same, however I was the one who took on the family responsibilities and decided to take a more flexible role to help with this. Now I need it for other family reasons, so I feel totally trapped.

Perhaps tax credits would help you manage financially.

Given that his bosses are happy with his work then perhaps his stress is more due to his personality rather than work related so he may still get stressed in the lower role. I work with someone who suffers from stress, has had spells of long term sick leave, is medicated and has had therapy. She currently works in a role that is the lowest possible grade but she still gets very worked up about nothing. It is just how she is and the rest of team support her as best we can and take it on the chin when she has a meltdown over nowt.

Perhaps your hubby could look at any help available to learn to cope before making any huge changes.

Hmmmm a change or 'downshift' would be better than a demotion - for his own sake (pride, ego, self worth, whatever you call it). Could he retrain or does he have any other skillset? Would anything help him in the current role - training perhaps?

The only problem you can't work through is death. Life is too short to be thoroughly miserable at work and as you get older, it does impact on your health.

Tax credits...not an option as DD is 18. I'm sure it's personality related not work, just work exacerbates it. He's having talking therapies but has had this before.
I wished he would retrain, I think in his 40's he'd be OK it's moving from what he knows and has no confidence to leave his company.
Agree totally with what you say nicename

Sayerville - is there any way of making this situation work for you? What I mean is that you sound like you're a lot more motivated than he is, and that you'd cope just fine with a pretty high powered job! Whereas he clearly doesn't enjoy work and finds it stressful. Sooooo... wouldn't it be great if you could get trained up to do your dream job and be a kickass career woman, and he could take on a bit more of the household responsibilities and work fewer hours?

Hi struggling, I would cope better, unfortunately I need a flexible situation due to my caring role, I did actually get myself a better job but.....turned it down like a fool as it wasn't flexible enough. Daft I know, kicking myself now. Trouble is I'm older than he and not that many working years left so doubt that would happen, much as I'd like it to. I don't think he'd take on more responsibility at home, he's kinda lazy and unmotivated. I tend to do most things, a bit one sided I suppose, my own fault but I don't want to be a nag and add to the situation, just keep quiet most of the time and get on with it.

If his position is affecting his health he should opt for something that in more conducive to his state at the minute.

What would his 'dream job' be if he had the chance? I mean reasonable (gardener not astronaut!).

He sounds like hard work. I don't think I have much constructive to add, but... sympathy? Sounds like you take a lot on yourself to 'make up' for his problems.

FFS don't you want him to be happy and healthy? FFS your comments make me so angry. Tell you what, keep on forcing him. When he drops dead come on here and complain about how unreasonable he is for dropping dead. Better still, when he finds partner who actually stands by him go to relationships and bitch about your feckless EXH. You need to get a fucking grip

Obviously his health comes first, I think better a low paid job than none eh?

You have your answer here.

If anxiety from his current job could lead to him having no job then you will be worse off.

I hope he finds the right therapy/solution for him.