Is my daughter BU in not visiting her partners mum without him?

[Overthehillmum]

My daughter is pregnant, living with her partner. Before they lived together he stayed at his mums, the mum is mainly housebound, this is due to mobility problems exasperated by her weight (according to my dd, I've never met her). My DD used to sit with her whilst waiting for her boyfriend to come home.

So, that is the background, partners mum texts him complaining my DD hasn't been to see her, he wants her to go visit his mum without him, she doesn't want to as finds it difficult to have any conversation but is willing to go with him, he doesn't drive but goes by bus when DD is working, she is frustrated and feels he is being unreasonable as the two of them could go together when they have a day off together (dd drives).

As an extra point his mum does appear to create dramas in the family, and has sent texts to both if them saying she feels left out of DDs pregnancy and complained if DD is slow in responding to texts. My DD can be a bit of a brat but says she finds the constant emotional blackmail tiring and she's not getting involved, she will visit with him but not make a special visit without him, we are very close and spend a lot of time doing stuff together so this could be annoying his mum hence the complaints!

So is she being unreasonable, will visit with him but not without ??

I think she shouldn't have to but it would just be a nice thing for her to do.

Could she visit once a month on her own. Possibly mil enjoys her company, misses her sons company or alternatively she's trying to get everyone into a routine of popping along so she can see more of the grandchild when it arrives.

I used to visit my PILs without DH and would phone them to chat or they would visit or phone me.

We were married fairly quickly and I took the view that we were all part of the same wider family now and I wanted to build a relationship with them that wasn't just as a side order to DH's relationship with them.

Thinking about it, he didn't do the same with my family.

And with his, it didn't work out. PILs were demanding, unreasonable, controlling, manipulative and selfish. Which is why I don't see them at all now.

But I agree with Wheresthelight, although she shouldn't feel forced to have a relationship she doesn't want, she and her MIL could make some effort to get to know each other on their own terms. But it has to come from both of them and the MIL sounds alienating with her "how is my son's unborn child" and her "DIL must visit me alone" demands.

I would have loved a great relationship with my PILs at the start and I really did try. By the end I would have been happy just to have a pleasant relationship and now I'm glad to have nothing to do with them at all, they made me ill.

But that came from PILs never being satisfied with whatever they had. Visit for an hour and it should have been the morning. Visit for the morning and it should have been all day. Stay all day and it should have been the weekend. Stay for the weekend and it should have been a week. Nothing was ever good enough or as much as they wanted it to be.

I don't understand the view of "I married him, not his family" when his family are nice people you could have a good relationship with but in this case his mother sounds like a difficult person to get along with and she's doing herself no favours.

Again, I agree with Wheresthelight, an invitation rather than a demand would be better from the MIL.

I think it depends on what the in laws are like and you should trust your daughter's judgement. I wouldn't see mine without my partner. I refuse to take on the role of social secretary so I expect him to maintain his own relationship with his family as I do mine. And I am glad I have done this as when they are being difficult it isn't a dumped on me to sort out, which I have seen so often. Let her be the judge of how best to manage her relationship with her in laws. It'll be a long relationship so she needs to manage it in the best way for her.

My take in this is that, with the imminent arrival of their baby, she sees your DD as family now, and that's both an honour and an intimacy. Th snag is, that when you blend two families with different habits, there can be friction.

It's her DP who sounds like the arse. He is the one being difficult, by his refusal to be sensible and visit together when they could drive. It him that is placing indirect pressure on her to take on more visits (indeed is he trying to get out of them totally). If his attitude changed, I bet most of this problem would vanish.

If she isn't going to challenge her DP about his expectations, then all she can do now is deal with her (near)MIL in a way that leaves as many options of types of contact once the babyis born. Can you encourage her to visit at least once, to see how it goes?

Well it wouldn't hurt her to pop around for half an hour.

If she really doesn't like the woman, fair enough, but if they would get on OK, shame to refuse just because MIL has been clumsy in her approach-ie complaining to son rather than contacting DIL directly.

How did she used to be sitting with MIL waiting for boyfriend to come home?

he said he would!

So how often has he popped round to see you then, in the last 6 months, on his own? People can say all they want but reality is another matter.

I would never visit PIL without DH even after 20 years being together. They are his parents not mine.

Sounds like both she and her MIL (not to mention her DP) might be a bit clumsy in how they are developing their relationship. From her perspective it probably feels like work she is being expected to do when she's feeling like she should be being looked after a little more. I think it's a bit short sighted if the MIL is just trying to be friendly. But if the MIL has form for creating drama and using emtional blackmail then your daughter is probably wise to set her boundaries and stick to them.

I love my mil but I don't think I ever visited her before the children were born without DH.
She lives about an hour away, she probably would have been happy to see me but I doubt she expected me to go.
Actually I think I did call in once when I had been nearby for work and was on my way home and I wanted to discuss something wedding related with her.
If your DD doesn't want to go she should be emotionally blackmailed into it

I think the DP is trying to get out of visiting his mum, by putting pressure on the OP's DD to go without him.

I don't think she should have to go just to placate someone who is into creating dramas, but some sort of occasional visit might be nice.

She should have a sensible discussion with her DP about this (let's hope the DP can be sensible), but I don't think they should look at setting visits in stone. I've seen where that can lead!

I find it weird that people feel the right to be 'involved in a pregnancy'.

How odd.

On reading only your first post, I would agree that DP's mother sounds quite emotionally demanding and I can understand your DD wanting to distance herself from it.

I would be a bit about sending texts to your DD directly, especially if she complains that DD hasn't answered quickly enough. Sounds a bit like everything needs to be about her.

How long have DD and her DP been together? Do you like him?

He might be trying to get out of it, or he might be thinking that when baby is here, he doesn't want to spend all free time visiting his mum, so that if OPs daughter visits whilst he's at work, then job done!

Your daughter is NBU. If she doesn't want to go she doesn't want to go. I hope she doesn't capitulate.

The MIL sounds pretty demanding really - people should never 'complain' if others are slow to respond to their texts, unless there is something mega-urgent in them which has to be dealt with promptly. If it is just 'chatty' then DIL doesn't have to snap to attention the instant it arrives.

And the comments about her creating family dramas, and it feeling like emotional blackmail would have me being very cautious of developing a separate relationship with her.

Her DP should make more effort to make it possible for them to go together. If that lets them get to know each other a bit better, then the relationship might improve.

But simply demanding and moaning are not a good way to get people on your side. I don't blame your DD in the slightest for being wary of the situation, and not keen to get deeper, on the basis of what you've repeated here.

as in asking her how her son's baby is feeling today

See, that sentence suggests to me that she is trying to make it all about her. TBH, I think your DD is right to try to maintain some distance and boundaries.

I think her DP is being a bit unreasonable in expecting your DD to manage his Mum on her own. Especially if she has form for drama. If I were your DD, I wouldn't be responding to any of her texts - it is DP's responsibility to manage his relationship with his Mum.

I don't think your daughter is being unreasonable in the least. Since she "used to sit with [Dp's mum] whilst waiting for her boyfriend to come home" it's fair to assume she knows what she's talking about when she says she "finds it difficult to have any conversation" .

IMO her DP's mum sounds a bit of a pain. She texts (texts!) her son to complain about your DD not visiting, but doesn't actually invite your DD round. And as for complaining that "she feels left out of DDs pregnancy" - - WTF? Er, maybe because it's not your pregnancy? What are her expectations here, that your daughter should behave as if she is her daughter? Ick.

Your daughter's comment that "she finds the constant emotional blackmail tiring and she's not getting involved" is quite telling. I think she has probably identified the problem with his mother's modus operandi, and is absolutely correct in her way of dealing with it. Good for her!

I would also raise an eyebrow at her DP's part in all this. Your DD has offered to drive both of them to visit his mother when they have a day off together (I consider joint days off to be precious), but no, he takes the bus to see her when your DD is at work. Maybe their joint days off are further apart than he wants his visits to be, but it strikes me as a bit - odd. As for "he should visit at our house, he said he would" - well, that means he hasn't already, doesn't it? So he's asking her to do something that he hasn't thought to do. Words are cheap, saying he would doesn't mean he actually would.

I think that your stance of remaining neutral and not wanting to encroach on their relationship is laying the foundations for you being a really good MIL, btw! That and the offer of hot chocolate when the going gets tough!