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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I have to say something about my rape now?

53 replies

extremepie · 13/04/2014 21:54

To cut a long story short I was raped a few months ago and decided not to report it, largely because a) the guy knew where I lived b) I didn't feel it would lead to a prosecution because it happened months ago now and c) because his daughter and my sons go to the same school :/

I recently moved to the same village he lives in and our kids still go to the same school so even though he now doesn't know exactly where I live it's still close enough that I still didn't want to say anything.

About 2 weeks ago I saw him on the bus and he tried to talk to me, he strongly hinted that he had figured out where I had moved too (it's a very small village) and kept saying things like 'what are the odds you'd move in just down the road from me' etc and hinting that he might try and come over. He also mentioned that he was moving away to a different area but I have seen him walking past my flat since then so I know he hasn't yet.

Have recently made a male friend who I was talking to the other night and told him about the whole thing, he lives in the same area the rapist guy used to live in so asked for his name - I told him and he says that he knows him and he actually tried to do the same thing he did to me to df's sister! The only reason he didn't manage it was because her boyfriend was there and got rid of him!

So I'm starting to reconsider if I should report him because:
He's hinted that not only has he figured out where I live but has hinted that he might 'pay me a visit'
If he has done this before then there is someone else who could back up my story despite lack of physical evidence
I'm feeling even more guilty about not saying anything before because he has a girlfriend who he got engaged to at Christmas and 2 young children and she obviously has no idea who she's agreed to marry :(

He is looking more and more like a dangerous predatory person rather than someone who took a random opportunity on one occasion IYSWIM, AIBU to think that I have to report him? He's tried it at least twice so it seems likely he won't stop :/

OP posts:
YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 13/04/2014 22:41

Please report it. Keep a written record of anything he ever says or does (like walking past your home and threatening to visit.) I wish I'd reported my attacker but the bastard died and to everyone he was a fucking saint. Pillar of the community and all that.

ICanSeeTheSun · 13/04/2014 22:42

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexualhealth/Pages/Sexualassault.aspx

Have you been to a GUM clinic to make sure he hasn't past on a STI.

Original poster
extremepie · 13/04/2014 22:46

That's a good idea yourma!

Thanks to everyone for the links :)

Fortunately I have been checked since and am all clear :D

OP posts:
YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 13/04/2014 22:47

Good luck extreme. Hugs. X

zipzap · 13/04/2014 22:47

Report it so at least it will be on record. Horrible to do but hopefully doing it will give you a sense of control and achievement over it.

But also - tell the police about him threatening to come and visit you - I'm sure that he will say that he was just trying to be friendly to another parent if he gets questioned about it but again, if you felt intimidated by it then he did intimidate you. And ask them to come and assess your home for safety - check for window locks, alarms etc. And they should be able to flag your numbers and address in their database so that if there is any problem they will know to come to you immediately, I believe.

CuntyBunty · 13/04/2014 22:48

If you do report it, your main priority is to keep safe. He sounds bloody scary and aggressive. Can you make a note of the times he's approached you and said he'll pay you a visit? It sounds threatening. Do you think he's threatening you?

I don't have much knowledge, but I am just thinking ahead to if charges are pressed, with him seemingly threatening you and it being such a small place, perhaps they would deny bail?
Does anyone else think this could be done?

JohnCusacksWife · 13/04/2014 23:15

I think the easy (& correct) response is to say "report it". But given the passage of time and the lack of physical evidence then I think you have to consider what a trial would potentially involve. It would in all likelihood be very difficult for you and, probably, unsuccessful. Only you can weigh up whether you're willing to go though the trauma of reporting it and potentially a trial....

Original poster
extremepie · 13/04/2014 23:18

Just spoken to df and he says his sister probably wouldn't report it :( He also said that because he went to court in the past for reporting a sexual assault that he wouldn't want his family's name involved, which I understand but a little bit gutting because by the looks of things I am on my own :(

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 13/04/2014 23:22

He also said that sort of thing is really common around here and I'm probably better off just forgetting about it :(

You know what though, I just don't feel like that is good enough! It makes me furious, and if it is really common then isn't it even more important that every one who this happens to reports it if they can? Feel so angry, it's not fucking fair that he can do this and get away with it!

OP posts:
MontyDonnsgirl · 13/04/2014 23:30

I'm very sorry you went through this. I'm also not at all impressed with your new "friend." Stay strong.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 14/04/2014 00:02

Oh it's "common" is it? That's ok then. Talk about minimising. You may find many more women come forward when they realise they aren't alone. I had no idea. I thought I was the only one.

Sharaluck · 14/04/2014 00:04

Yes report it and get it on record and get police advice regarding your future safety with regards to him.

The 'pay me a visit' comment worries me.

zipzap · 14/04/2014 00:11

Sad ShockAngry about your df's response.

Might be worth talking to his sis - the reason she might not want to report it is because she's been talked out of it by having a similar sort of chat to her brother/your df. Or because she has no idea that he has tried it on with other people and succeeded. Or she is planning to talk but hasn't yet got her nerve up. Or she might have already reported it but not told her bro for any number of reasons...

And if he has done it to you and her then there are chances that he has done this to others too - so if you report it to the police then he isn't going to know that it is you that reported it as it could be any of the others...

Report it for the peace of mind it gives you, and use it as a way to get your house assessed by the local crime prevention officer to ensure that you are as safe as you possibly can be.

munchkinmaster · 14/04/2014 00:21

Rapes really common round here. What! So it's an acceptable hazard? Your friend is a tosser.

I'm not sure I believe him about his sister? Can you trust him? He's a new friend? I'd be be wary of him.

Original poster
extremepie · 14/04/2014 00:45

Exactly! It's like oh it's really common so the police won't really care especially as it happened a while ago and you have no proof, best just to chalk this one up to experience and move on?

Bit annoyed, especially since he went to court for his own abuse experience, you'd think he would know how it feels to want to get justice :(

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/04/2014 07:10

Victims of sexual offences can't have their names published.

If the police investigate, there's a reasonable chance your attacker will end up with a bail condition to stay away from you. If he breaches that, there's a fair chance he'll go straight to prison and potentially be prosecuted for another serious offence on top of the rape.

If he admits you had sex, but asserts that you consented, the lack of physical evidence won't matter.

If you report, make sure you explain why you delayed.

I think you ought to consider reporting it, but I would talk it through with a specialist first. Google to see if there's a SARC near you, they will help you and then can help you with the police if you want.

Odaat · 14/04/2014 07:59

I have been in a similar situation but I was a teenager and our families knew each-other very well - it's was really difficult.

In the end i didnt press charges , despite a police officer suggesting I should. I did recently make an official statement about him though, so he is kept on file and considered dangerous. If he were to go for any jobs with vulnerable people he wouldn't be able to , a red flag would now be on his criminal record (unbeknownst to him.)

The reason I did all this years later was not for me, but to try and protect other women as best i could now. As its a historic case (plus other factors) I feel pressing charges would now get me nowhere. (I dont believe in the Briton justice system very much, sadly)

I feel you would definately have a better chance of justice as it is recent for starters. I wish I had pressed charges all those years ago. Good luck with whatever you do though and remember you are the victem, so whatever you do decide go easy in yourself regarding that decision.

QueenStromba · 14/04/2014 08:00

I just wanted to come on here and tell you that I'm a rape survivor who reported the rape five years after the fact. The police took it very seriously despite the fact that I "consented" in order to get him to at least wear a condom and I couldn't remember his name. The police have been lovely.

My first step was to call 101 and tell them what happened. They sent a pair of police officers around within an hour and a female police officer took details of what happened. Later that day another female police officer phoned me to make an appointment to come in and give a formal statement a couple of weeks later. The formal statement was very similar to the chat I had with the police officer that came to my house except that she went through everything in more detail in the hope that I could remember enough about him that they could find him. They're still looking for him so I can't tell you what the next step after that is but I was taped giving my formal statement and I was given the impression that the tape would be given as evidence in court rather than me having to testify - I'm not sure about that though.

If you report it then the police will take it very seriously even if it was months ago and you have no physical evidence. The police said to me that the type of rape than you and I have experienced is far more common than the stereotypical stranger in an alley rape which accounts for a tiny percentage of rapes.

If you want to talk about it more with me then send me a PM.

Odaat · 14/04/2014 08:02

British *

Odaat · 14/04/2014 08:05

I should say my situation was not full rape (though even tried. But I was sexually assaulted. Plus I was drunk. Because of this and knowing his family i just felt I didnt have a chance at him getin convicted :(

I would urge any other woman to go forward though, as it is a regret if mine.

ajandjjmum · 14/04/2014 08:11

I'm really sorry you've had to deal with this OP.

Is there any way that you can record the rape with the police, who could then contact you if anyone came forward regarding this disgusting excuse for a human being?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/04/2014 08:13

He may not approach you if you report it.

People like that rely on women being too scared to report them.

I hope he gets what he deserves.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/04/2014 08:15

Also I think you should report it in case he tries to do it again to you.

Horrible piece of filth.

QueenStromba · 14/04/2014 08:17

I should have also said that I feel an awful lot better now that I have reported my rape even though they haven't found him yet and might not ever.

PunkrockerGirl · 14/04/2014 08:24

So sorry you have been through this OP. Hope you get lots of support, whatever you decide to do. Thanks

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