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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to visit mil this holiday?

24 replies

lecce · 13/04/2014 15:58

I work f/t as a teacher and dh is sahd. Dc are 4 & 7 and, over the past few years, we have got into the routine of dh taking the dc to his mother's during the holidays. In a one week holiday, it will be for 2 nights, and this time, as we have two weeks, the plan is for him to take them for three nights next week. I thought this was working well for everyone - I get some time to catch up on work and relax, dh gets to visit his home town and catch up with friends etc, and mil gets to spend time with the dc on her terms.

However, dh tells me now that his mother has said it would be nice if I went with them this time so that we could all spend time together. The problem is I have a huge stack of marking to do and this term has been a difficult one - I feel I really need the break. Moreover, and I know it sounds bad, but I just don't want to. Mil is great, but she is over-bearing and, tbh, I really thought she liked being in charge with the dc. I feel the holidays are my time with them, and I would rather she have them 'to herself' for a few days, than me have to watch her taking over with everything and me having to give in to things that she does differently. I realise that sounds contradictory, but it makes sense to me!

I do see dh's family a few times a year and, while I get that it would be nice for us all to be together more, it's not an ideal world and this arrangement really helps me cope with the manic term-times (though it doesn't happen every holiday - probably about 90% of them).

AIBU to refuse, politely, to go? Dh says she has been on about it for a while and it's important to her, though he hasn't mentioned it to me before now?

OP posts:

Blu · 13/04/2014 16:01

How far away are they?

Can you go on the last day and have lunch with them all?

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/04/2014 16:03

'I'd really love to but I have a horrendous amount of marking to do and I'd have to bring it with me so I'd be stuck doing that whilst everyone else was having fun'.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 13/04/2014 16:04

If you need to work, then you need to work! I would see if you can agree to a longer stay in the summer instead?

weneedtotalkaboutshriver · 13/04/2014 16:04

I though this was going to be yet another MiL bashing thread, buyt actually I think you are both coming from a good place.

And here's a thought, maybe your DMiL is making a point of saying she wants to see you because she doesn't want to seem too proprietorial over her DS and DGC (and if she reads these threads who could blame her???).

Or...another maybe...maybe she is beginning to feel a little put upon?

Could you mayhap head it off this time by saying you really have scads to do, but fix a whole family get together for sometime in the ntd future?

Xenadog · 13/04/2014 16:32

"I would love to but I have too much marking to do. Thanks ever so much for the offer and I look forward to seeing you soon. Have fun!"

MiL has made a request. You can't meet it. End of.

DIYapprentice · 13/04/2014 16:46

You don't want to go, then don't go.

But I think at some point you will need to get firmer. Just because you are in her house, doesn't mean it all has to be her way. Babysteps, next time, put your foot down with a few small things.

RandomMess · 13/04/2014 16:49

I would explain that you really can't but will def come and stay during the summer hols when you don't have as much school work to do.

MammaTJ · 13/04/2014 16:50

We do the same as you. My DP is not a SAHD, he works full time, but does the majority of the childcare during term time. I am a student nurse, so pretty full on busy.

I get holidays 'off' too but use them for studying and getting a few pennies by working where I used to work on a bank basis, so not exactly rest and recuperation.

He takes the DC just a couple of times a year to his parents. Leaves me at hoe to get on with what I need to do without worrying about the DC.

MIL is VERY different to me and I get that she enjoys being in charge of the DC although DP still does loads and we would clash if I went there.

YANBU!

ithoughtofitfirst · 13/04/2014 16:53

I can't stand my mil. Like... to worrying extremes. Three nights with her. Jesus. Just the thought of it. Shudder.

YANBU!

Jinty64 · 13/04/2014 16:54

If you were in another occupation you would not always have holidays at the same time as the children and would be "going to work" so dh would have to take them by himself. As it is you are working from home that week so no can do. You will, no doubt, see her in the summer.

WooWooOwl · 13/04/2014 16:57

Yanbu. Tell her no this time but book date in the summer holiday to soften it a bit.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 13/04/2014 16:59

When I was a SAHP I used to take the DC to stay with my parents on my own fairly often, as DH only had limited amount of holiday.

LouSend · 13/04/2014 17:05

Oh, that would have been lovely if only you'd mentioned it a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately I'm having lunch with the Head teacher one day and I have the carpet cleaning company coming on another day. And, of course, I was trying to spend as much time with the dc before they came to visit you that I'm way behind with the marking and had set aside those days to get as much done as possible.

Maybe in the summer holidays we could spend a few days together. I'll look forward to that.

fluffyraggies · 13/04/2014 17:05

If your DH is a SAHD, perhaps, when he is at his mums with the kids, he tends to leave the whole parenting role to her? For a break for him too. Not unreasonable - but maybe at 4 and 7 the children are getting a bit much for her for 3 full days (and nights)?

What sort of social contact do you have with your PIL? If you dont see them with DH at holiday times.

fluffyraggies · 13/04/2014 17:07

Or maybe your DH is the one who is keen on you going too, and is 'blaming' it on his mum?

Original poster

lecce · 13/04/2014 17:12

Thank you for all the replies - it's nice to know INBtotallyU.

Tbf, I could get the work done by doing it in the evenings when the dc are in bed. The truth is, I don't want to do that as it doesn't then feel like a holiday. But knowing I could do that makes me feel guilty about not going. I will certainly make it clear I will go in the summer, though I do anyway.

I'm not sure what dh does when he's there, but I doubt very much that he leaves it all to her in a lazy way as that wouldn't be like him. I know they tend to go on outings and he has never not gone with them. As I said, she is pretty controllong and he sometimes complains to me that she has undermined him or taken over, so if she is feeling the children are too much for her, that will be partly her own fault. However, I will try and look into that as I wouldn't want her to feel taken advantage of.

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 13/04/2014 17:19

he sometimes complains to me that she has undermined him or taken over,

P'raps it is more his idea that you go along too then? My DH would struggle being back at his mums on his own, ie: just him and our DD. But he wouldn't admit it or want to directly lay a guilt trip on me

i dunno OP, i'm just guessing. Anyway YANBU to stick with things the way they are IO.

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 13/04/2014 17:55

If the situation was reversed and you invited your in laws to visit the grandchildren and yours - but only your PIL came, even though your MIL also had the time off work... What would you think?

I would start to think the person didn't like me very much and was avoiding visiting me.

Maybe your MIL thinks same as me.

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 13/04/2014 17:57

Agh, damn autocorrect typos... Hope it makes sense anyway (FIL not PIL etc)

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 13/04/2014 18:18

Its OK for her to ask and its OK for you to say no.

Hopefully your dh will get a little bit of down time to see friends.

Yanbu. I am in a similar situation with work. I will not be going and will not feel the least bit guilty. I'm going to do my work then have a nice dinner, wine and an on demand catch up.

thebody · 13/04/2014 18:25

It's a difficult one but my take on it is she's feeling a bit miffed that you don't go and maybe is finding the arrangement that worked well as kids were tiny is now more difficult as they get older.

It gets harder and more expensive to entertain a 4 and 7 year old than littlies.

I think she's indirectly asking for your help while the kids are at her house.

Maybe your dh relaxes more than you think while they are there and reverts to 'little boy' ways.

BirdieWhirlie · 13/04/2014 18:33

Her son is bringing his children to visit. It's lovely if you go to visit sometimes, too. But you don't want to this time. So don't. Promise to visit this summer, as you mentioned.

If her son isn't pulling his weight with the kids, then they can sort that out between them. Not your problem.

parakeet · 13/04/2014 19:52

The OP has work to do. Why should she have to cram the work into evenings (not much fun) because some people suspect her DH isn't pulling her weight? If that's the case, MIL needs to discuss it with her son.

Just tell your MIL by phone that sorry, you'd love to come but you have work to do.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/04/2014 19:54

tbh id only consider going if dh or the dcs wanted/needed me to. not MIL.

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